Prime Minister Jean Chretien returned late Friday night from a disasterous round of peace talks in the Middle east. Infuriated by Chretien's almost complete lack of knowledge of the conflict, White house officials commented that "Chretien's peace mission failed not for a lack of trying on the aging Prime Minister's part, but for the simple fact that he is an uneducated boob."
High on the Prime Minister's agenda was his proposal to implement a Canadian style gun registration policy on all belts in the Middle East. Suicide bombers have been using belts to strap explosives to their bodies. "Control da belts, and you control da people," Chretien drawled to reporters, "look I am not saying dat belts are bad you know, I even wear one myself, I think they are great for the holding up of da pants and da fashion, but you know dat der are millions of belts out there and we do not know where dey are."
Chretien believes that the registration will help the army track stolen or missing belts, crack down on smuggling and know when there are belts in a home they're searching. Background checks will keep violent or unstable people from legally owning belts.
Palestinian groups responded in outrage when news of the proposal was leaked. "We belt owners are being singled out for attack by the Canadian Government - not just on our right to wear belts and keep our very poorly made pants up, but on our private property," meeting organizer Hussein Husseini said. "Where are the belt registrations for the Israelis? This is nothing more than a calculated effort to portray the Palestinian people as violent and barbaric, when the vast majority of Palestinians have barely killed any Israeli pigs."
Chretien's plan also met resistance by other Middle eastern countries, who not only viewed the plan as racist, but ineffective. "Are the terrorists going to register their belts?" Jordan's King Abdullah asked. "I resent that the Palestinian people are being treated like second-class citizens just because they own belts. It certainly won't reduce the suicide bombings." King Abdullah also insinuated that this was nothing more than an attempt by the Israelis to obtain all the belts in the area for their own purposes.
Even the Israeli's seemed to back away from the idea, with spokesmen expressing concern over the cost of such an extensive effort, and the possiblity of the Palestinians simply using string and rope to fashion makeshift belts.
Other items on the agenda included Chretien's proposal that Israel simply give the land back to the Palestinians. Geniunely surprised when the Israeli's refused, Chretien remarked, "well that's all I got boys." before leaving the stunned officials to open a golf course in Jerusalem.
The Israeli's say there are no further plans for peace talks with the Canadians.