The following Ann Landers column appeared in 1991. I thought
it was rather amusing, so I filed it away. I'd like to share
it with you.
Dear Ann Landers: In August 1988, you printed a bit of comic material that had been sent to you by a friend in Washington D.C.
You said, "The author is unknown." The piece I refer to was about a dog named Sex.
I am the person who wrote it. Will you kindly acknowledge this in your column?
Sincerelyyours--Morty Stom, Brooklyn, N.Y.
Dear Morty Storm: It is my pleasure to give credit where it is due. The piece was hilarious. I'm sure my readers who already have seen it will enjoy it again. Those who haven't are in for a big laugh. Here it is:
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex. He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.