Have Trouble Deciphering Personals?

by patio34 5 Replies latest social humour

  • patio34
    patio34

    Subject: Fw: DECIPTHERING PERSONAL ADS

    > >
    > >
    > > > >> > > > > Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads
    > > > > > > > >
    > > > > > > > > WOMEN'S ADS
    > >
    > > > > > > > > 40-ish...................... 49 and counting fast
    > > > > > > > > Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
    > > > > > > > > Athletic.................... No tits
    > > > > > > > > Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
    > > > > > > > > Beautiful................... Pathological liar
    > > > > > > > > Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
    > > > > > > > > Educated.................... Banged her Political Science
    > > > > > > > > professor
    > > > > > > > > Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
    > > > > > > > > Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
    > > > > > > > > Free spirit................. Junkie
    > > > > > > > > Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation
    as
    > a
    > > > > > > > > slut
    > > > > > > > > Fun......................... Annoying
    > > > > > > > > Gentle...................... Comatose
    > > > > > > > > Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
    > > > > > > > > New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
    > > > > > > > > Old-fashioned............... Lights out,missionary position
    > > > > > > > > only, no BJs
    > > > > > > > > Open-minded................. Desperate
    > > > > > > > > Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
    > > > > > > > > Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
    > > > > > > > > Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
    > > > > > > > > Professional................ Certified Bitch
    > > > > > > > > Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
    > > > > > > > > Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
    > > > > > > > > Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
    > > > > > > > > Social...................... Has been passed around like an
    > > > > > > > > hors d oeuvres tray
    > > > > > > > > Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
    > > > > > > > > Weight proportion w/ height. Hugely Fat
    > > > > > > > > Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
    > > > > > > > > Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot
    > > > > > > > > himself
    > > > > > > > > Young at heart.............. Old bat
    > > > > > > > >
    > >
    > > > > > > > > MEN'S ADS
    > >
    > > > > > > > > 40-ish...................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
    > > > > > > > > Athletic.................... Watches a lot of NASCAR
    > > > > > > > > Average looking............. Unusual hair growth on ears,
    > nose,
    > > > > > > > > & back
    > > > > > > > > Educated.................... Will patronize the shit out of
    > you
    > > > > > > > > Free Spirit................. Banging your sister
    > > > > > > > > Friendship first............ As long as friendship involves
    > > > > > > > > nookie
    > > > > > > > > Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six
    pack
    > > > > > > > > Good looking................ Arrogant
    > > > > > > > > Very good looking........... Dumb as a board
    > > > > > > > > Honest...................... Pathological Liar
    > > > > > > > > Huggable.................... Overweight, more body hair than
    a
    > > > > > > > > bear
    > > > > > > > > Mature...................... Older than your father
    > > > > > > > > Open-minded................. Wants to sleep with your
    roommate
    > > > > > > > > but she's not interested
    > > > > > > > > Physically fit.............. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
    > > > > > > > > Poet........................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a
    > > > > > > > > bathroom stall
    > > > > > > > > Sensitive................... Cries at chick flicks
    > > > > > > > > Very sensitive.............. Gay
    > > > > > > > > Spiritual................... Got laid in a cemetery once
    > > > > > > > > Stable...................... Arrested for stalking, but not
    > > > > > > > > convicted
    > > > > > > > > Thoughtful.................. Says "Excuse me" when he farts
    > >
    >

  • larc
    larc

    Patio,

    I like it. I thought of some to add to the list.

    social drinker -- drunk all the time.

    Friendship and maybe a long term relationship -- deperate to get married

    Full figured woman --- very fat

    Professional woman --- got a degree from a diploma mill

    Looking for someone:

    Financially secure --- need someone to live off of

    Older, more mature --- write me into your will.

    Fun loving ---- I am superficial and that's what I like in other people.

    No smokers or drinkers --- I'm a Baptist prude.

    I was going to write this personals ad,
    61 year old married man looking for a woman to take him out to dinner and pay for it until my wife recovers from her ankle injury. I can leave the house at 5 and have to be home by six. Need the restaurant receipt to verify my whereabouts to my wife.

  • waiting
    waiting

    I am soooooo shocked. There was a time.....when a jw.......that MY sister would have NEVER slunk to the use of words liked "banged" and "tits."

    Guess I'll just have to send this joke to my kids and say "Look what your Aunt Pat has said NOW!!!"

    Snickering and giggling they have responded to me (when I've done that before to Pat): "THAT'S the SAME Aunt Pat we know??????"

    And I smugly answer, "Yes, she's an apostate like me now. Ain't it cool....."

    waiting

    ps: Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic Ain't that the truth.

  • waiting
    waiting
    Fun loving ---- I am superficial and that's what I like in other people. - larc

    Ain't it the truth. LOL

  • COMF
    COMF

    Patio, here's a utility program that will format the text from email messages to get rid of all those >>>>>>>>'s.

    COMF

    - http://home.attbi.com/~fredsaw/Files/Email_Cleaner_201.zip

    Up from Earth's centre through the seventh gate
    I rose, and on the throne of Saturn sate,
    And many a knot unravel'd by the road;
    But not the master-knot of human fate.

  • COMF
    COMF

    Here we go...

    Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads

    WOMEN'S ADS
    40-ish...................... 49 and counting fast
    Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
    Athletic.................... No tits
    Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
    Beautiful................... Pathological liar
    Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
    Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
    Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
    Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
    Free spirit................. Junkie
    Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
    Fun......................... Annoying
    Gentle...................... Comatose
    Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
    New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
    Old-fashioned............... Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs
    Open-minded................. Desperate
    Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
    Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
    Professional................ Certified Bitch
    Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
    Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
    Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
    Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors d oeuvres tray
    Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
    Weight proportion w/ height. Hugely Fat
    Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
    Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
    Young at heart.............. Old bat

    MEN'S ADS
    40-ish...................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
    Athletic.................... Watches a lot of NASCAR
    Average looking............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
    Educated.................... Will patronize the shit out of you
    Free Spirit................. Banging your sister
    Friendship first............ As long as friendship involves nookie
    Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
    Good looking................ Arrogant
    Very good looking........... Dumb as a board
    Honest...................... Pathological Liar
    Huggable.................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
    Mature...................... Older than your father
    Open-minded................. Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
    Physically fit.............. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
    Poet........................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
    Sensitive................... Cries at chick flicks
    Very sensitive.............. Gay
    Spiritual................... Got laid in a cemetery once
    Stable...................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
    Thoughtful.................. Says "Excuse me" when he farts

    Up from Earth's centre through the seventh gate
    I rose, and on the throne of Saturn sate,
    And many a knot unravel'd by the road;
    But not the master-knot of human fate.

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