Have Trouble Deciphering Personals?

by patio34 5 Replies latest social humour

• 

  patio34

  Subject: Fw: DECIPTHERING PERSONAL ADS

  > >
  > >
  > > > >> > > > > Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads
  > > > > > > > >
  > > > > > > > > WOMEN'S ADS
  > >
  > > > > > > > > 40-ish...................... 49 and counting fast
  > > > > > > > > Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
  > > > > > > > > Athletic.................... No tits
  > > > > > > > > Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
  > > > > > > > > Beautiful................... Pathological liar
  > > > > > > > > Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
  > > > > > > > > Educated.................... Banged her Political Science
  > > > > > > > > professor
  > > > > > > > > Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
  > > > > > > > > Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
  > > > > > > > > Free spirit................. Junkie
  > > > > > > > > Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation
  as
  > a
  > > > > > > > > slut
  > > > > > > > > Fun......................... Annoying
  > > > > > > > > Gentle...................... Comatose
  > > > > > > > > Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
  > > > > > > > > New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
  > > > > > > > > Old-fashioned............... Lights out,missionary position
  > > > > > > > > only, no BJs
  > > > > > > > > Open-minded................. Desperate
  > > > > > > > > Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
  > > > > > > > > Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
  > > > > > > > > Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
  > > > > > > > > Professional................ Certified Bitch
  > > > > > > > > Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
  > > > > > > > > Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
  > > > > > > > > Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
  > > > > > > > > Social...................... Has been passed around like an
  > > > > > > > > hors d oeuvres tray
  > > > > > > > > Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
  > > > > > > > > Weight proportion w/ height. Hugely Fat
  > > > > > > > > Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
  > > > > > > > > Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot
  > > > > > > > > himself
  > > > > > > > > Young at heart.............. Old bat
  > > > > > > > >
  > >
  > > > > > > > > MEN'S ADS
  > >
  > > > > > > > > 40-ish...................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  > > > > > > > > Athletic.................... Watches a lot of NASCAR
  > > > > > > > > Average looking............. Unusual hair growth on ears,
  > nose,
  > > > > > > > > & back
  > > > > > > > > Educated.................... Will patronize the shit out of
  > you
  > > > > > > > > Free Spirit................. Banging your sister
  > > > > > > > > Friendship first............ As long as friendship involves
  > > > > > > > > nookie
  > > > > > > > > Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six
  pack
  > > > > > > > > Good looking................ Arrogant
  > > > > > > > > Very good looking........... Dumb as a board
  > > > > > > > > Honest...................... Pathological Liar
  > > > > > > > > Huggable.................... Overweight, more body hair than
  a
  > > > > > > > > bear
  > > > > > > > > Mature...................... Older than your father
  > > > > > > > > Open-minded................. Wants to sleep with your
  roommate
  > > > > > > > > but she's not interested
  > > > > > > > > Physically fit.............. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
  > > > > > > > > Poet........................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a
  > > > > > > > > bathroom stall
  > > > > > > > > Sensitive................... Cries at chick flicks
  > > > > > > > > Very sensitive.............. Gay
  > > > > > > > > Spiritual................... Got laid in a cemetery once
  > > > > > > > > Stable...................... Arrested for stalking, but not
  > > > > > > > > convicted
  > > > > > > > > Thoughtful.................. Says "Excuse me" when he farts
  > >
  >
• 

  larc

  Patio,

  I like it. I thought of some to add to the list.

  social drinker -- drunk all the time.

  Friendship and maybe a long term relationship -- deperate to get married

  Full figured woman --- very fat

  Professional woman --- got a degree from a diploma mill

  Looking for someone:

  Financially secure --- need someone to live off of

  Older, more mature --- write me into your will.

  Fun loving ---- I am superficial and that's what I like in other people.

  No smokers or drinkers --- I'm a Baptist prude.

  I was going to write this personals ad,
  61 year old married man looking for a woman to take him out to dinner and pay for it until my wife recovers from her ankle injury. I can leave the house at 5 and have to be home by six. Need the restaurant receipt to verify my whereabouts to my wife.
• 

  waiting

  I am soooooo shocked. There was a time.....when a jw.......that MY sister would have NEVER slunk to the use of words liked "banged" and "tits."

  Guess I'll just have to send this joke to my kids and say "Look what your Aunt Pat has said NOW!!!"

  Snickering and giggling they have responded to me (when I've done that before to Pat): "THAT'S the SAME Aunt Pat we know??????"

  And I smugly answer, "Yes, she's an apostate like me now. Ain't it cool....."

  waiting

  ps: Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic Ain't that the truth.
• 

  waiting

  Fun loving ---- I am superficial and that's what I like in other people. - larc

  Ain't it the truth. LOL
• 

  COMF

  Patio, here's a utility program that will format the text from email messages to get rid of all those >>>>>>>>'s.

  COMF

  - http://home.attbi.com/~fredsaw/Files/Email_Cleaner_201.zip

  Up from Earth's centre through the seventh gate
  I rose, and on the throne of Saturn sate,
  And many a knot unravel'd by the road;
  But not the master-knot of human fate.
• 

  COMF

  Here we go...

  Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads

  WOMEN'S ADS
  40-ish...................... 49 and counting fast
  Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
  Athletic.................... No tits
  Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
  Beautiful................... Pathological liar
  Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
  Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
  Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
  Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
  Free spirit................. Junkie
  Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
  Fun......................... Annoying
  Gentle...................... Comatose
  Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
  New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
  Old-fashioned............... Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs
  Open-minded................. Desperate
  Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
  Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
  Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
  Professional................ Certified Bitch
  Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
  Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
  Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
  Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors d oeuvres tray
  Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
  Weight proportion w/ height. Hugely Fat
  Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
  Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
  Young at heart.............. Old bat

  MEN'S ADS
  40-ish...................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  Athletic.................... Watches a lot of NASCAR
  Average looking............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
  Educated.................... Will patronize the shit out of you
  Free Spirit................. Banging your sister
  Friendship first............ As long as friendship involves nookie
  Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
  Good looking................ Arrogant
  Very good looking........... Dumb as a board
  Honest...................... Pathological Liar
  Huggable.................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
  Mature...................... Older than your father
  Open-minded................. Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
  Physically fit.............. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
  Poet........................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
  Sensitive................... Cries at chick flicks
  Very sensitive.............. Gay
  Spiritual................... Got laid in a cemetery once
  Stable...................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
  Thoughtful.................. Says "Excuse me" when he farts

  Up from Earth's centre through the seventh gate
  I rose, and on the throne of Saturn sate,
  And many a knot unravel'd by the road;
  But not the master-knot of human fate.