Concerned2, I appreciate your story very much because I have joked for decades said that I had a dysfunctional family, but from your description, you win.
I wouldn't take too much from your family's actions personally, to the point it disrupts your immediate family's peace or somehow you carry some guilty feelings that you are to blame for their dysfunctionality. The reason for this encouragement is the behavior of my dysfunctional family.
For example, my family has the judgemental and punishment aspect of Jehovah's Witnesses professionally down pat. They are very good at imitating the hate that Watchtower teaches, they are not only haters of what is bad, but anything inbetween of being an angel, or Jesus Christ himself to somewhere between most human behavior.
To illustrate, if you had a brain tumor, my family would angrily say, "you don't have a tumor, you have a demon." My extended family is still very active in "the truth" acting like the "example" family in the circuit/district, with one of my brothers as chairman of the RBC, one brother is long-time ex-bethelite, one brother is still in bethel, brothers have talks regularly at the circuit and district conventions. etc.
However, with all that so called "spiritual" fluff there is absolutely NO LOVE between the families. IMHO, They have all had their souls (hearts) ripped out by the WT organization and been taught by WT to maintain a highly judgemental system within the congregation and family. This system of condemnatory judgement does not produce peace. Although I have not been disfellowshipped or disassociated, (and I do not know that they know of my inactivity), my mother will not talk with me, return calls after leaving messages etc. This has been going on for over seven years, and I've learned not to blame myself for any of the families problems including the "strained relationship" with my mom or siblings.
The problems that exist in the family were from before I was born or from when I was just a child, and I will not take ownership of the families problems nor blame myself. I haven't led a life of debauchery, I am still married to my wife and have excellent loving and normal children etc. As far as the family fueds, I went out of my way to treat all honorably and not get into their fights or take sides.
However, After I had experienced the full wrath of my family when my brother launched a full on character assassination I consulted with a family councilor to try to understand what was going on. The professional councilor listened to me for less than 45 minutes when she said, "I don't need anymore information, I know what's going on".
She indicated that that since I had a great relationship with my father when he died, the other siblings and my mother, (that did not get along with Dad), projected their hatred of the deceased father onto me and my family. It was a simple case of jealousy, like experienced in the bible story of Joseph. The councilor explained to me that since I had a good relationship with my father before he died, (when my brothers and sisters did not), their reasoning was that I "may have had influence with my dad and been his favorite, but they have influence with my mom now, and she is alive, not dead". To set it straight, my father and I did have some problems over the years, but he mellowed somewhat and I got to know him at a golden time when he was actually fun to be around, he was not perfect at all though.
The councilor indicated to me that with the lack of human "qualities" of my siblings, to not even attempt any relationship with them, it was not worth it. Further, she indicated that the "character assasination" and continued hateful attitude towards me would not stop, reguardless of how I tried to make it work.
Like a cat that had played with the mouse to the point of its tiring, when the mouse caught its breath and tried to leave, the cat would just paw the mouse back into submission. I felt like I was the mouse, exhausted by their games of condemnation, but whenever I tried to go about my business they would attack again.
Their behavior got old but I tolerated it for a few years and realized that my family councilor with was 100% correct, and that the situation would not improve reguardless of what I would try to do to improve it or just not bother them. Therefore, I moved out of town.
I didn't just move down the street, I made a major move to another part of the country. The result is at first I did take a hit financially getting reestablished, and lost many "conditional friends", however, my immediate family has an abundance of peace and happiness and we are building other friendships. Until I read someone's post like yours and I am reminded what sore shape I was in staying around them I rarely even think of them. I have learned to minimize and compartmentalize my thoughts of my family, they are simply not worth the pain.
My advice to anyone younger and old enough to live independently either single or just getting married, is to leave your JW family behind and make your own life. If you have family members as J witnesses, move as far away as you possibly can afford to and you nor your family will be influenced by their negativity and dysfunctionality. This may sound like overkill, but I had a brother tell me this 30 years ago, and I truely believe it is the best course, and regret that I didn't do this when I first married. I believe that the husband and wife have to, not just resist, but fight these negative influences.
Thanks for venting about your family and I hope the best for you.
