Daddy's Little Girl

Lost Diamond

I was feeling a bit nostalgic this morning in my way to work..and I guess I just feel like venting, so feel free to back out of this thread if you'd like.

I was raised as a JW since I was seven yrs. old. I'm the only girl out of four kids. We were the "ideal" witness family..my Dad was an elder, mom stayed home and waited for us to get home from school, all of us kids pioneered and got to go to pioneer school. Our family was even used a lot in symposiums for assemblies, and I had quite a few parts at assemblies too. Dad would comment how proud he was of us kids.

Time went on and I married a JW man, thinking that I found my Mr. Wonderful. He was everything to me and I help him on a pedestal. To me nobody could ever compare to him. I couldn't do enough to make him happy and show him how much I loved him... That soon changed after our wedding. He became abusive, mostly with words to the point that I became feeling numb..like a robot going through the motions of being a good christian wife, and tried to raise our two children with a plastic smile painted on my face.

My parents never knew of this...they too thought my husband was great christian man. I didn't want to burden them or dissapoint them in any way, plus I was protecting my husband's reputation. This was my war...my fight. My parents eventually moved out of state, as did my brothers. I felt lonelier than I have ever felt.

Dad eventualy had a massive heart attack and was diagnosed with Congestive Heart failure. I re-located and moved closer to them. During this time I was going through my divorce, and this dissapointed Dad tremendously and I could see it in his eyes each time I looked at him, because witnessed could not get divorced without scriptual grounds. He wasn't proud of me anymore, and this really hurt and it cut right through me. My Dad was never a man to show his feelings, much less say, "I love you". How I wanted to hear those words from him so deperately! He took a turn for the worse and needed a triple-heart bipass. After surgery I visited him many times, rembering that the doctors said the firs 48 hrs. were the most cucial. One one visit, 30 hrs. after his surgery, the doctors told us how very well he was doing and they planned to remove all the tubes he had attached to him the very next day. How relieved I was! I held my Dad's hand, and I could feed a slight squeeze..I said, "Goodnight Dad, I'll see you tomorrow. I love you" I kissed his balding head, the one I gave a hair cut to the day before surgery. He looked at me with tired eyes and knodded every ever so slightly. I think he was trying to tell me he loved me too.

I went home that night, and as soon as I got home, I got a call from the hospital. My Dad had become worse and they were calling the family in. My the time I got there, Dad had passed away.

I will always carry the pain of knowing the dissapointment I had caused my Dad and never hearing the words "I love you", but I hope that that very night he tried to tell me...I'll never know.

SixofNine

I'm sure he did.

Your father was a victim. A victim of growing up in a society where men pretended to be men by being harsh, and a victim of a religion that pretends to be god-like by imitating the harsh qualities god is accused of having in the bible. No wonder he felt at home there.

Your father was not a victim of you. Not even in the least.

apostate woman

I know what you mean - I had/have somewhat a very distant relationship with my own father. My dad is a current JW and it does hurt me to simply see his want for me to be a JW. Realistically (exuse the spell) - but if God is a loving God - you will see your father some day.

I deal with the possible loss of a parent on a daily basis. My mom has partial kidney failer and has very poor health and expect her to die soon.

I do hope to see her some day. Where? I don't know.

But at this point in time of my life? We shall see.

As far as your x-husband (the j dub) there should have been no reason for you to hide an abusive man. But on the other hand, it would have been totally dismissed. I think a lot of us x-JW's hide things - due to not wanting to "disappoint". I know that is true in my case... My husband has to live with it every day.

Put your energy into your family. My frame of mind is "life is about living and learning". Learn from your own experience and try to move on.

Sure we all deal with that on a daily basis.

We all will find an answer.............

Nikita

Hi Diamond,

One thing about our Daddy's is that they never stop loving us, no matter what mistakes we make! He may have had trouble communicating that to you but know he felt it, take that last bit of time you spent with him and make it what you believe it was-you are the one that lives on. Take it, hold onto it!

Hugs,
Nikita

Carmel

Dear Lost,

Sixonine said it so well. The teachings of the GB are so grounded in old testament garbage that it is nearly impossible for a contemporary male to exhibit any of the qualities and needs of a loving and caring father, even though their natal inclinations are correct, they do not know how to express them as they are conditioned to love conditionally, to scorn rather than to listen, to judge rather than to accept difference in beliefs and actions.

I do think your father loved you, but couldn't bring himself to say it in fear that he may be endorsing your choice to get out of an abusive marriage. You have to wonder if he was married to a four hundred pound gorilla who treated him like dung, if he wouldn't have made the same choices you did...

I hope the emptiness you feel goes away and you can replace it with the certitude that he loved you beneath all the surface appearances.

hugs,

carmel

simplesally

There is a song where the lyrics talks of a fathers love for his child....words to remember: "He said let me tell you a secret about a father's love, A secret that my daddy said was just between us, You see daddy's don't just love their children every now and then, It's a love without end, amen, It's a love without end, amen"