How did I get away with it??

by home_and_dry 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  home_and_dry

  The more I read on this board, the more it makes me wonder how on earth I managed to escape the JW's without being DF'D.

  I was baptized in 1990 aged 15. I was DF'd in 1991 and was reinstated after only 2 months 'out' and a further 3 months of returning to the meetings.

  Two years after being reinstated, I knew I wanted out but couldn't bear the thought of being DF'd again. So I found a flat to rent and moved out of my JW parents home. From that day I never went to another meeting (expect 1 memorial and one day at the July convention the following year which was just 'for a laugh')

  I kept a low profile, didn't associate with any JW's other than my parents. I didn't even see them that often because they would just go on about me getting to the meetings etc. After a couple of months I think they realised I wasn't going back.

  I soon met someone, now my partner of 7 years. I fell pregnant. This was about 9 months after my last meeting. I delayed telling my parents for as long as I could but eventually my condition was getting just a bit obvious!

  My (elder) father offered to pay for a shotgun wedding there and then. I refused, as I didn't feel it was a basis to get married. The other elders were informed. A conversation ensued between my dad and the PO. My dad argued that because I no longer associated with any JW's other than them, by being DF'd, all it would acheive is to ruin my relationship with my mum and dad. The PO AGREED and I wasn't DF'd. To this day I am still unmarried, still living with my partner and have 2 children.

  I have an excellent relationship with my parents, and my children also have a great relationship with them. They babysit for me and we go out for daytrips quite often. There is absolutely no limits on my association with them.

  Everyone that knew me in my ex-cong know my situation. Alot will stop and talk to me, ask about my partner and children. Some will even jokingly ask 'isn't it about time you two got married?!?' There are very few JW's that will not acknowledge me.

  I feel like I must be the exception to the rule here. From what I have read even some are DF'd on mere speculation. So how on earth did I get away with it???

  We all make a mess of our lives from time to time
  It's part of the process that you stumble as you climb
• 

  mouthy

  I met one Jw( an elders daughter ) who admitted she was a lesbian-Her Father & Mother knew- she was NOT Df- she said Elders kids have an astrik
  beside there names ( meaning they are special.....)
  Just thank God you havent been treated like a lot of us- lost our fathers, Mothers, children, & friends...
  Good Luck to you.
• 

  ITguy

  I think your story is actually the more common one. It is from my experience anyway. The ones that get shunned and treated badly by their families and friends are the ones that have a need to speak out on the matter, and end up finding these boards and talking about how they've been treated. Most of the ones like you, who are treated reasonably, have no need to speak out, and thus we don't hear from them on boards like these.

  Just my two cents.
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  DazedAndConfused

  mouthy, you hit the nail right square on the head. I know from personal experience that if you are an elder's child you get nothing. nada, zip as far as public discipline. Second in line are the children of ministerial servants.
• 

  roybatty

  Not true ITguy. It has been my exp. that it copmes down to two factors, perhaps three.
  One, how active were you in the congregation? If you were/are an elder, pioneer, MS, etc. it is unlikely that you can break the WT's rules and not be df'd.
  Two, what kind of elders are you dealing with. Most will follow the WT's rules to the letter but sometimes a reasonable elder will pop-up and do the right thing.
  Three, how long has it been since you last attended meetings or went out in service on a regular bases.
  If this person were an active pioneer or even an average JW (reg. service, at all the meetings, comments, gives talks, etc.) there is no way that she could do what she did and just walk away.
• 

  LDH

  IT Guy says:

  Most of the ones like you, who are treated reasonably, have no need to speak out, and thus we don't hear from them on boards like these.

  RRIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHTTTT.

  That's why we're hearing from her now! [8>]

  The simple fact is, she got to take advantage of the WINK WINK rule.
  In case you never heard of it, it goes like this.

  Someone raised a JW decided to distance themself from the Borg. They may do this by moving or just stop attending meetings cold turkey. They embark on their new life, engaging in whatever sins they so choose.

  The elders are baffled and dazed, and don't know how to proceed. They attempt SEVERAL times to contact said sinner, but get nowhere.

  Now at this juncture, the body of elders has two choices:

  1. They leave/mail a letter for said person notifying them that "by their actions" they have disfellowshipped themselves, and unless their decision is appealed, the letter is read to the congregation 7 days later.

  2. Because that person's family members may be in contact with the elder body, "pleading" with them not to take action, the elders decide that "since that person is not LIVING THEIR LIFE as a JW we do not need to take action." That is the WINK WINK rule. This is usually exted to the *special* kids/people. [8>]

  BOTH techniques have been used upon family members.

  We won't even talk about the gross hypocrisy that allows Home and Dry's family to have NORMAL interaction with her while she commits her gross sins! But God forbid that letter gets read, she is a dead woman.

  Lisa

  PS Home, WELCOME to the board, what made you decide to post and stop lurking?!?!?
• 

  orangefatcat

  Yes you are very lucky, that you have not been dfed.
  I was instantly disfellowshipped, I left my ex husband on the 24 of December and was disfellowshipped 2 1/2 weeks later. I never spoke to a single elder they send me a letter via my ex and asked me to meet with them immediatley and I wrote a letter to the best elder in our hall and i told him it will not change a thing and I respectfuly declined his invitation to appear before the J.C., I am told via my sister who was in another cong. that I had seven days to appeal. I thought appeal what? I never went in the first place so I didn't think I had to appeal anything. I told my sister I don't intend on appealing. So 7 days passed, during which I recieved a short note from this elder that they were eager to meet with me to discuss the circumstances of my leaving the organization and my ex. I again wrote a short note back and told him that I had made myself clear in my first letter that I will respectfully decline their invitation to meet with them.
  The only details they ever recieved were from my ex as to why I left and from my sister when I told her I had committed adultery on purpose to get out of the marriage. She told me it was now her responsibility to onform the brothers of my sin. I told her do what you must but I will never will be back again.
  And since that time I have heard hide nor hair of my family.
  The only details supplied to the elderes are what I told her and John the ex filled in the blanks according to John. They knew my marriage was a terrible one, I spoke with the elders for assistance on several occaisons. I cried taking to them in the past they never asked me why I was crying. Because they knew what John was like. Well I don;t care anymore the only remorse I feel is the hurt I caused my 23 yr old son and he is my darling son who has stood by me from day one. I am one lucky mom. As I have mentioned on numerous occasions in the past I could write volumes of my life as a JW. Well now that I have blown off some steam I will part by saying once again, you are one lucky person who didn't feel the iron arm of the WTBS.
• 

  ISP

  Re-instated after 5 months..is good going.

  ISP
• 

  home_and_dry

  Sorry it has taken me so long to return to this topic!

  Roybatty, I was actually pretty active in my cong. In fact I Aux Pioneered the last month I was in the cong! I was kind of railroaded into it my my parents, but I suppose I thought I would do it for that month and maybe I would change my mind about leaving. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t, but as it was such a permanent decision to make, I didn’t think it would do me much harm to give it one last shot.

  As it happened, I stuck to my FS schedule for about two weeks, then thought ‘stuff this’ lol. Even though I never made the 60 hours, I still managed to convince my dad (who also was the cong secretary) that I had done all the hours when I handed in my report.

  Maybe this is what makes my situation so unusual? I just went cold turkey. Up until the day I moved out I had been attending all meetings, participating, and going out of FS. I suppose I was quite ‘high profile’ in the Cong. I think I also had a talk during that final month too. I tried to get out of it because my householder was Sister Perfect which would have been bad enough under normal circumstances!

  I think looking back I was always considered something of a ‘golden girl’ by the older cong members and the elders. Even when I was DF’d, I attended the judicial meeting and had a hard time convincing the three elders that I had actually commited the ‘sin’ I was about to be DF’d for!! My best friend in the cong had DA’d herself a few weeks before and the elders thought she was influencing me and we had conspired to get me thrown out too. The Elders REALLY didn’t want to DF me. They went round in circles for ages just trying to talk me out of leaving them no choice.

  My friend was always looked down on. She wasn’t baptised and only a year younger than me. I was the ‘spiritual’ one, she was the ‘weak’ one. That’s how they saw it. But that wasn’t true. They didn’t see all the times she dragged me out on FS, they didn’t see her forcing me to do the WT study prep with her.

  One time we were sat together at a meeting and we both got a fit of the giggles. As much as we tried to hide it, our shoulders were going up and down ten to the dozen and there was the occasional snort to be heard as we tried to stifle our giggles. After the meeting I was on my way out of the KH when Sister Old Bag took me to one side, having been sat directly behind us, and said “You can do better than associate with her, you’re worth more than that. Don’t let her drag you down.”

  That made me really angry, but it summed up the cong attitude towards me and my friend.

  Even after I was reinstated (my friend never returned) I wasn’t treated like a second class citizen because I had been DF’d. Everyone welcomed me back with open arms. And yes, it was a quickie reinstatement. The elders on my original judicial committee called it a ‘short sharp shock’. After all, I was little miss perfect and how could they possibly hold out on me for longer than three months?

  LDH, I think this really was a case of the ‘wink wink’ rule. In a weird way I am pretty angry about it. Okay, so I have benefited from it, but what about all of you that haven’t? And just because I had an elder for a Dad, why should that make a difference. Of course, I don’t wish to be DF’d, but if I was in my ex-cong and had witnessed all this happening to another Elders daughter, then been thrown out myself on a whim, I would be pretty angry about the double standards!

  Orangefatcat and others who have experienced similar, my heart really does go out to you and it makes me all the more angry, especially now I have been able to learn about others experiences.

  As a ‘newbie’ here (in post terms rather than timescale, I have been lurking for months) I feel a bit strange joining in, but I will make an effort to participate and get rid of this awful ‘newbie’ title lol.

  We all make a mess of our lives from time to time
  It's part of the process that you stumble as you climb
• 

  Seeker4

  First, I have to disagree that elder's or servant's kids recieve "special" treatment. My own experience from many years as both an elder and parent, was that, if anything, a LOT MORE was expected of my kids, and those of other elders. There are tons of elders who have lost their privileges of service due to their kids, and plenty of kids who had to put up with all sorts of shit because they were supposed to be so exemplary. And LOTS if them rebel over that.

  At the same time, I also think that elders may at times cover up for their kids, or those of friends, so I agree that that does happen - but it's far from being pervasive throughout the organization.

  The easiest way to get out is to stop going and slip quietly away. Move if possible. Let some time go by before you make any waves. In cases like that, and as was noted - depending on the local body of elders - a good argument can be made to the elders for just taking the position that the person is no longer viewed as one of JWs, and can just be ignored.

  Some elders will chafe under that and prefer to make trouble. But most have no stomach for hunting someone down or trying to get them df'd. But I think that also indicates one of the things that shows just how humanly guided the Witnesses are - that there can be such a major discrepancy in how individuals are dealt with.

  Personally, I know lots of baptized JWs who have simply slipped off quietly, now live life exactly as they want to, and are totally left alone by the local elders. Including myself. There are some JWs who won't talk to me, but plenty who do. Went out to supper with an old elder friend and his wife just a few weeks ago.

  S4