The Power of This Cult

by Quendi 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Quendi

  I want to share this experience and gather others’ thoughts on it. We all know the stranglehold the WTS has on the mental and emotional state of its followers. But I sometimes believe we may not fully appreciate the strength of that hold until we encounter a cogent example. This is certainly true of me. Let me explain.

  As some of you may know, I was disfellowshipped for being a gay man. That was back in September 2005. Most of the Witnesses I knew shunned me, of course, but there were a few exceptions. One of these was another gay man who lives in Southern California. He is celibate and serves as a ministerial servant in one of the local congregations. We maintained our friendship via telephone, internet and snail mail all during the years I’ve been out, speaking to each other on a weekly basis. He has helped me out on many occasions, particularly during the years I have been unemployed.

  I had been living in Alabama caring for my aged mother and recharging my batteries during most of 2012. In January, I returned to Colorado and am now living in Denver. My Witness friend was very happy that I had returned and we talked about what this would mean for the both of us. Now, if we have had one sticking point during all the years I’ve been out it has been about when I would seek reinstatement again. I’ve tried telling my friend how little I desired this, but it never seemed to truly register with him—until now.

  Let me make one further point before continuing. Although celibate, my friend has many gay friends and continues to associate with them. As far as I know he hasn’t been physically involved with any of them and some are men he has known for nearly forty years, long before he became a Witness. He has kept his gay associations secret from the elders and others in his congregation but he has certainly relished these friendships and has no intentions of ending them.

  Well, last month, I decided to let my friend know about the latest development in my life. I told him that one of the reasons I could return to Colorado is the fact that I now have a partner. My partner is a good man and we are building a life together here. I went on to tell my friend that my partner was very eager to meet him and wanted to extend an invitation to him to visit us in Denver and stay for as long as he wanted.

  For my friend, it was quite a shock, I’m sure. He asked me the question I expected, “Does this mean you won’t be coming back to the ‘Truth’?” I answered yes and added that since there is no place for active LGBT people in the organization, I saw no point in doing so. I also said that I hoped he would regard me in the same light as he did his other gay friends. My friend gave a non-committal reply and we ended our talk. I’ve heard nothing from him since.

  I consulted with a fading Witness here who knows my story and who is also a member of this forum and asked her counsel. She told me that I should let some time go by to allow my friend to sort out his feelings. After all, she pointed out, this is a completely unexpected turn of events for him to digest. Then she said that after allowing some time to pass, I might want to reach out to him again.

  So I let a month go by and then sent my friend a card with a brief message simply saying that I knew my news had been unexpected, but that I missed him and our conversations. I added that I loved him dearly and hoped that he would write back or call me as occasion would allow. That was a week ago and I still have received no word.

  So what do the rest of you think? I don’t want to give up as it has been only a week since I wrote to him. There could be many reasons for a delay in his reply. Naturally, I hope I will get a positive response. On the other hand, considering the power this cult has over its members, I wouldn’t be surprised if my friend—a man I’ve known for nearly 25 years—should decide to end our friendship.

  I’ve already lost scores of friends to this cult and one more won’t make a major difference. But this man was a special case. I suppose what I can’t quite understand is how and why he would see me as any different from the other gay friends (who have never been Witnesses) he still has. What difference could there be between associating with them and with me and my partner? The congregation would probably strip him of his privileges if it knew about his current gay associates and I have told him that he could always visit us in Colorado with nobody in California being any wiser.

  Maybe this is another example of the power of this cult. If so, it is proof that it really does control a person’s mind as well as his heart. I’d appreciate any thoughts or counsel that you’d like to share on this.

  Quendi
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  irondork

  First of all, congratulations on your relationship.

  It occurred to me while reading about his reaction to the news of your new partner, despite your non-sexual relationship with Mr. California, maybe there was a crush of some sort involved? Our emotional entanglements often make no sense at all. Maybe the news of your huzzzband stepped on his heart just a little.
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  irondork

  One of the things that really bothered me growing up in the organization was watching some of my friends get married and move on. I had a serious crush on one of them, even though I knew he was straight and nothing would EVER happen between us. When he got married it felt like I got punched in the stomach. That, coupled with the fact that I knew there was no hope of me ever finding a mate of my own, put me in a pretty awful mental state at times.
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  breakfast of champions

  I would hope there is some legit reason for his delay, but something tells me this won't turn out very well.

  I've been thinking about this (and discussing it with my shrink) lately: what power does this cult has over a person when it comes down to it?

  I think ultimately, they hijack your narrative, and replace it with their own twisted one.

  So, for example, What kept BOC in "the Truth" for so many years? According to the narrative I had been programmed with since childhood, my loving worldly father unjustly dies at Armageddon, while my manipulative, abuse JW mother waltzes right into Paradise. I expended soooooo much emotional and mental capital trying to rework that narrative, trying to avert such a terrible outcome, that I ended up breaking apart myself.

  What I think everyone who has contact with a witness needs to realize is that their friend's narrative is not their own. It's not the narrative of a gay man living his life in the early 21st century with real friends and true companionship; it's the narrative of a man born with a terrible, sinful defect being attacked by evil invisible forces to get him to cave into his earthly desires so he stops worshipping an invisible creator and is doomed to die at the big A.

  I think that's where your friend might be coming from, and it's sad there are so many others like him.
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  Finkelstein

  The question was asked " Are you thinking about coming back into the truth ? "

  As well you stated you found a new male partner.

  From those two exposing points of information, what did you think would be the response from

  a guy who still has mental attachments to the WTS. and is a MS himself ?

  The personal connection you made with this fellow was premised on the fact that both of you knowingly are gay.

  One thinks that its still a sin by virtue of his religious indoctrination and yourself who thinks its not a sin in that same religious sense.

  What he might be going through himself is that since you've shown yourself to be courageous and true, he might very well be a bit

  envious and jealous toward the path you've taken. His personal integrity and honesty is placed more or less in a prison cell looking out

  at ones who are expressively free to be who they are.
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  00DAD

  Quendi,

  There's not much I can add to what either BOC or Irondork wrote, great comments from both.

  I do think Irondork might be on to something about some possible jealously there. He may also be jealous that you're living a life he wishes he could live. That has nothing to do with he sexuality, just that fact that he is still a captive and knows it, hiding a big part of his life.

  Give him some time. You've been friends a long time and he might need to digest this news.

  00DAD
• 

  Quendi

  I want to thank everyone for their responses. This is a peculiar problem and I didn’t think it would draw much interest so I am gratified by the counsel I have received.

  @ irondork: It never occurred to me that “Mr. California,” as you so engagingly call him, might be touched by some envy or jealousy. I certainly can’t dismiss that notion because it may very well be true. I know that when others are enjoying a freedom we lack, there can be a jealous reaction. Maybe my friend is suffering the same thing and needs time to work through his feelings. We’ve been friends for nearly 25 years and I never had the slightest romantic feelings for him. But that doesn’t mean he did not have them. Thanks for raising this point.

  While watching other people get into relationships that led to marriage didn’t bother me in my Witness years, going to Witness weddings definitely did. As a gay man, even though I was in denial for many of those years, I felt distinctly uncomfortable. There was an unrelieved air of matchmaking that was a constant feature at their weddings. In the end, I simply refused to attend any more of them.

  @ BOC: I think you have touched directly on something my friend is struggling with: the Witness perspective. It was one we talked about often and how our struggle made us “war veterans.” We were never entirely at peace with ourselves or our God. If “Mr. California” is still wrestling with these things, he may very well view now as a casualty of war who is no longer available to help him. That makes me even sadder.

  @ Finkelstein: From time to time, “Mr. California” and I would talk about gay Witnesses we knew who had decided enough was enough and left the organization to pursue their own hopes and dreams with another man. We used to say they would undoubtedly come to a bad end for having “left Jehovah.” But when an elder we both knew also took this route, it certainly made me think that maybe, just maybe, he had made the right choice. I can only hope that “Mr. California” is beginning to think the same thing. He is now lonelier than ever with my departure. Maybe he will decide to renew ties with me if only to talk things over.

  @ 00DAD: As always, my friend, I appreciate getting your support. I certainly want to exercise patience with “Mr. California.” As you say, we have been friends for a long, long time and this change in my life has definitely hit him like a ton of bricks. We both hid this aspect of ourselves from most everyone we knew. I am still “coming out” to various friends and family and it is a slow, cautious process. The pressure you feel when you can’t be yourself with everyone is enormous. So I hope that he will eventually find the strength and courage to break free and live his life as he should. If and when he does, he’ll find me standing right beside him.

  Quendi
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  finally awake

  Mr. California is a lucky man to have such longstanding friendships. I hope he realizes that.