Newbie Again (Kinda Sorta)

by lostinnj83 20 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • lostinnj83

    Hello Everyone:

    I made my first post (which I have attached) more than 2.5 years ago.

    Sad to say I am still in the SAME situation. Still "physically in" but have mentally been gone for YEARS. I am still in my marriage and unfortunatly things have not gotten any better as far as me being able to help him see the light as far as the organization.

    I am at a serious crossroad though because I am almost 30 years old, with no children. I always wanted to be a mom and although I have been married for 7 years, have not been inclined to have a child with my husband. I think deep down because I knew that there was a possibility of us splitting up because of his beliefs. I don't think it would be fair to bring a child into a situation like this. Knowing what I know about the organization it wouldn't be fair to put a child through the pain of having one parent in and one parent out.

    Our marriage has had MANY downs, not just the JW differences, however in recent months my husband has been trying to make an effort to make things better between us. I have been somewhat unresponsive, because I feel like we will eventually get back to this place of conflict because my doubts are not going any where. I haven't spoken to him about the doubts in years because I don't like the frame of mind it puts me or him in. So I have gone on in silence for so long.

    I don't feel like we can be married anymore if I walk away from the org because I feel like any problem that would arise he would automatically blame it on my leaving "the truth". I also feel somewhat trapped because I can't tell him that the main reason I need to leave him is because of how I feel about the organization because that would send him into calling the elders on me AGAIN and possibly me dissociating myself.

    Also I feel like a jerk for wanting to leave when he is really trying to make our relationship work...

    UGH, I'm really sad and clueless as to how to proceed..

    Any thought, encouragement, advice, insight would be much apprciated..

    Anyhow here is my original post from 2010:

    ello..I have been lurking for quite some time and am finally ready to make my first post!

    I was raised a Witness and am still "active" in the congregation and am married to husband who is also and have been having some doubts for some time and voiced some of them to my husband a few months back and he IMMEDIATLY called the elders who provided a sheparding call. Doubts were mainly on the harshness of the disfellowshipping and the blood issue. The elders were definitely not harsh with me and were sincere in their efforts but my doubts didnt go away. I tried to become more zealous, studying more, doing more field service and encouraging my husband to conduct our family study but still the doubts.

    I spoke to a friend who is Christian, and I've seen the positive changes that have been made in her life since she accepted Jesus as her lord and Savior, and something said well how can such a good person be destroyed simply because they were not a JW, she told me that God had revealed himself to her and she knew the right way to go. I told my husband that I sensed a sincere inner peace that my friend had...he told me no that could only be satanic. He was immediatly judgemental without even wanting to here more so for a while I limited what I talked to him about.

    Recently despite my efforts to become a better JW I still have the doubts and no longer feel that this is "the truth". I told my mom that there were things I didnt agree with without getting into to much, and of course she told me to pray more, read the watchtower more and go the elders. My mom and dad are very active (my dad is an elder). I then started to receive phone calls from my dad talking about the Daily Text or the Watchtower. I told my mom that if she would be willing to sit and talk to me about some of the things that dont make sense that I would love to talk to her...she said the conversation would be very limited in what we would talk about. She was not willing to have any new ideas introduced or to look at anything outside of the watchtower literature...which to me is so one sided.

    What I dont understand is that if your faith is strong, no matter what I could say to you or show you should shake it?

    My husband is willing to discuss but is still blinded by the Watchtower, we spoke on the blood issue and I showed him clearly and intelligently that the Witnesses have missapplied the scriptures on blood and does not have anything to do with blood transfusions. This is a serious issue to me should we ever have children. If something happened and he refused to give our child a life saving blood transfusion because of some non sense explanation of the scriptures I could never forgive that and in my mind i would consider it murder. Any for any adult that willing dies because of blood refusal is the same as suicide to me. The point is that my husband actually did look at some "outside" websites on the blood issue and is still of JW belief even when I clearly pointed out contradictions in his own stand.

    My dilemna is that I dont want to lose my marriage or my parents over this, not sure how I should proceed but I dont think I can take any more meetings or field service. More often than not I see on these websites the husband as the one who helps his wife see the real truth about the JW religion not as much in the I'm not sure what do. If I officially disassociate myself my parents will shun me. If I stop going to meeting my husband will still go and life for me at home would most surely be miserable as active JW's do not respect other people's beliefs and opinions as seen by my numerous conversations with my husband and parents.

    Any advice as to where to go from here would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  • Think About It
    Think About It

    Welcome back to JWN.

  • LostGeneration

    Be true to yourself. Get out. Its got to be tearing you up from the inside out, staying in this cult. Do you still go in service? Meetings?

    Take back your life. You want kids, you want to be happy. You deserve these things. If you haven't made any progress with your cult- husband, its probably time to move on.

  • BlindersOff1

    Yes you are in a horrible position . 10s of thousands or more are out there just like you

    We have people we love trapped by a publishing corporation cult .

    Anything that can, will be blamed on you because you are not "close to Jehovah" .

    All because you refuse to be deluded .

    Hang in there .

  • Lozhasleft

    Hello and welcome back. Your story is so sad. I want to tell you that leaving the truth in your 50s when grown children are involved and long time friends are both lost, is an absolute nightmare. It took me nearly 30 years to give up on a bad marriage and the ending it was just horrific (it was much worse than yours sounds though) as is the grief that comes with accepting the many lost years of life.

    For you at 30, it's bottom line time by the sound of it, and you sound so unhappy and trapped. Do you really love your husband? Do you think he really loves you? The answers to these are what matters in your marriage. I would suggest that you ask him if he loves you enough to have a meaningful honest discussion without involving the WTBS in your marriage. If he isn't able to do this you probably have to tell him how you're feeling anyway, but you can refuse to discuss your feelings with elders, and he can't prove what you've told him without witnesses to it. They cant do anything to you on the basis of hearsay, and you owe them no explanations whatsoever. youre an adult with rights here, although I know its hard to remember it under that pressure. But, if he agrees to keep them out of it, maybe the two of you can find a way to carry on, if you love each other.

    You have to be true to yourself my friend so that you can find happiness and true fulfilment in your very precious life. Feel free to PM me if I can help further.

    Loz x

  • Room 215
    Room 215

    "sad" and "similar" are the two adjectives that apply to your story... lots of us here -- maybe too many of us -- can relate - welcome back....

  • Diest

    Make a break for it. 30 is still very young. Rasing a child as a JW is child abuse so having a child that will be raised as a JW is a no go. This is not an easy path, but those are my 2 cents.

  • ABibleStudent

    Welcome lostinnj83, and thanks for sharing your experiences now and 2.5 years ago. Post on JWN as much as possible to help you vent your emotions, instead of raising suspicions of JW family and friends.

    I would recommend that you read Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones to Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"), visit his website, and view the following video. If you are financially well off, I would also recommend that you contact Steve Hassan through his website to either talk with him personally or to locate a cult exit counselor who is near you.

    If your husband is not willing to go to a counselor with you, you should go to a counselor to better understand your feelings and what you should do. Try to select a cult exit counselor to help you to resolve WTBTS induced phobias and indoctrination.

    You might want to read the thread Progress ( I think? ) in helping my wife to see the "truth" by stuckinamovement and other posts that he wrote to get ideas to help your husband awaken. Be very slow trying to help your husband awaken.

    Take your time and write down your plan(s) for a successful fade. The following is an example of a potential and basic plan:

    • Resolve your emotional conflicts first;
    • Contact a cult exit counselor if you can afford one;
    • Wait for you husband to discuss his doubts with you before asking him simple questions to increase his doubts;
    • Post regularly on JWN about your emotions and asking how to awaken your husband;
    • Meet non-JWs, who may have similir interests to your husband;
    • If you do not have a career/skilled training, get a better education as soon as possible in something that you love;
    • Plan outings with your husband to meet non-JWs, who he might share common interests;
    • When going to WTBTS conventions make reservations at hotels that are not promoted by the WTBTS;
    • Reduce or stop donating to the WTBTS;
    • Encourage your husband to have weekly home bible studies with you and slowly show differences/deceptions between what is written in the WTBTS magazines and the Bible;
    • Use non-WTBTS sources to research your beliefs, and
    • Help awaken other JW family and friends, who you love, so you do not have to move away from them to avoid them shunning you.

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • Gopher

    To thine own self be true. If you aren't, you won't be doing anyone a favor including your current husband or any prospective children that might come along.

    Your husband's efforts to reach out to you as a doubter are much in line with what the organization would want him to do, along with the common decency he has. However if you would go back on those terms, as fully accepting Watchtowerism, you wouldn't be true to yourself and it the reluctance you now feel would widen and possibly just become deep resentment.

    I left the JW's behind when I was 39, almost 40. It took a while to rebuild from there, but on the whole it has really been worthwhile (despite the anguish of having 75 and 80-year-old parents who are loyal JW's and have let the organization drive an immovable wedge between them and me).

  • lostinnj83

    Thank you everyone for your input!

    Fortunatly I have never been the type to shun those in the "world". So I have friends that I see on a regular basis who care for me unconditionally. While I care for my husband and don't want to see him hurt, us being "unevenly yoked" as it were is only going to hurt him more in the long run.

    I am also eductated although I only went to a two year school (of course under the "slaves" direction), I have a good job so I would be able to provide for myself on my own.

    I have been in therapy for over a year near to try to sort this and other issues I have. I will say that it seems like the growing up as a JW is the MAIN reason for the issues I am currently in therapy for!!

    And you're right, I can't go back to him or the religion on "those" terms. The honest truth though is that I have felt that my husband and I were not the best match for each other and that the reason why we have been together this long has been because of the "organization".

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