I made my first post (which I have attached) more than 2.5 years ago.
Sad to say I am still in the SAME situation. Still "physically in" but have mentally been gone for YEARS. I am still in my marriage and unfortunatly things have not gotten any better as far as me being able to help him see the light as far as the organization.
I am at a serious crossroad though because I am almost 30 years old, with no children. I always wanted to be a mom and although I have been married for 7 years, have not been inclined to have a child with my husband. I think deep down because I knew that there was a possibility of us splitting up because of his beliefs. I don't think it would be fair to bring a child into a situation like this. Knowing what I know about the organization it wouldn't be fair to put a child through the pain of having one parent in and one parent out.
Our marriage has had MANY downs, not just the JW differences, however in recent months my husband has been trying to make an effort to make things better between us. I have been somewhat unresponsive, because I feel like we will eventually get back to this place of conflict because my doubts are not going any where. I haven't spoken to him about the doubts in years because I don't like the frame of mind it puts me or him in. So I have gone on in silence for so long.
I don't feel like we can be married anymore if I walk away from the org because I feel like any problem that would arise he would automatically blame it on my leaving "the truth". I also feel somewhat trapped because I can't tell him that the main reason I need to leave him is because of how I feel about the organization because that would send him into calling the elders on me AGAIN and possibly me dissociating myself.
Also I feel like a jerk for wanting to leave when he is really trying to make our relationship work...
UGH, I'm really sad and clueless as to how to proceed..
Any thought, encouragement, advice, insight would be much apprciated..
Anyhow here is my original post from 2010:
ello..I have been lurking for quite some time and am finally ready to make my first post!
I was raised a Witness and am still "active" in the congregation and am married to husband who is also and have been having some doubts for some time and voiced some of them to my husband a few months back and he IMMEDIATLY called the elders who provided a sheparding call. Doubts were mainly on the harshness of the disfellowshipping and the blood issue. The elders were definitely not harsh with me and were sincere in their efforts but my doubts didnt go away. I tried to become more zealous, studying more, doing more field service and encouraging my husband to conduct our family study but still the doubts.
I spoke to a friend who is Christian, and I've seen the positive changes that have been made in her life since she accepted Jesus as her lord and Savior, and something said well how can such a good person be destroyed simply because they were not a JW, she told me that God had revealed himself to her and she knew the right way to go. I told my husband that I sensed a sincere inner peace that my friend had...he told me no that could only be satanic. He was immediatly judgemental without even wanting to here more so for a while I limited what I talked to him about.
Recently despite my efforts to become a better JW I still have the doubts and no longer feel that this is "the truth". I told my mom that there were things I didnt agree with without getting into to much, and of course she told me to pray more, read the watchtower more and go the elders. My mom and dad are very active (my dad is an elder). I then started to receive phone calls from my dad talking about the Daily Text or the Watchtower. I told my mom that if she would be willing to sit and talk to me about some of the things that dont make sense that I would love to talk to her...she said the conversation would be very limited in what we would talk about. She was not willing to have any new ideas introduced or to look at anything outside of the watchtower literature...which to me is so one sided.
What I dont understand is that if your faith is strong, no matter what I could say to you or show you should shake it?
My husband is willing to discuss but is still blinded by the Watchtower, we spoke on the blood issue and I showed him clearly and intelligently that the Witnesses have missapplied the scriptures on blood and does not have anything to do with blood transfusions. This is a serious issue to me should we ever have children. If something happened and he refused to give our child a life saving blood transfusion because of some non sense explanation of the scriptures I could never forgive that and in my mind i would consider it murder. Any for any adult that willing dies because of blood refusal is the same as suicide to me. The point is that my husband actually did look at some "outside" websites on the blood issue and is still of JW belief even when I clearly pointed out contradictions in his own stand.
My dilemna is that I dont want to lose my marriage or my parents over this, not sure how I should proceed but I dont think I can take any more meetings or field service. More often than not I see on these websites the husband as the one who helps his wife see the real truth about the JW religion not as much in the reverse..so I'm not sure what do. If I officially disassociate myself my parents will shun me. If I stop going to meeting my husband will still go and life for me at home would most surely be miserable as active JW's do not respect other people's beliefs and opinions as seen by my numerous conversations with my husband and parents.
Any advice as to where to go from here would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.