Just last week I came across some letters that I wrote to my MIL and FIL back in 2006. I was fully indoctrinated at the time. My mindset and my cult speak sicken me now. I actually wrote that I wished my son had succeeded in his suicide attempt, because then he would "be safe in Jehovah's arms, instead of out in Satan's wicked world."
During my last year still fully in (2010), I had a few conversations with an elder. I explained that I couldn't envision myself in paradise. (My immediate family were all out by then.) I explained that if I lived forever, and Jehovah removed all painful memories, I would have to forget that I was ever married or had ever been a mother. I would not be the same person, if I could not remember the experience of being a wife and mother. I also told him that I was exceedingly uncomfortable witnessing to a woman who was married with children, as it likely would cause her tremendous emotional pain. I knew that pain. The elder's response, while walking away was, "At least she would have Jehovah."
For years I lived in two separate worlds, the one at the KH where the loss of my loved ones was deemed acceptable and my home life, where I loved my daughter who walked away from the organization, my DF'd son and my "mentally diseased, apostate" husband.
I didn't know the term cognitive dissonance at the time, but I lived it.