We're both out 2 years now- crossroads (page 2)

gma-tired2

Marriage is full of doubts in or out of the WTBTS. There is times we all must put more effort into our marriage. There will always be trials but put extra effort into the relationship when it is at the low and often we can grow oour relarionship. I speak as one who has been in my marriage for 45 years. May this only be one of the trying times.

LittleMac

Thank you, I know. It's probably the case. Right now all of her close friends are single and everything is moving in that direction. I have hurt feelings about the change in interactions and can't help but feeling like I'm sponsoring a paid vacation from about half the effort she should be putting into the household but I'm at the point where I don't know what's reasonable to ask for myself because I've caused some hurt too.

tiki

i think jgnat says it very well. my best to you and your family - i do think that sometimes because we have been so over-conditioned to think negatively that we tend to over-think that which is obviously positive......take your time - it's a journey, and you are very fortunate to have seen the light at a relatively young point in life. some of us have 50 years of warped patterns to disentangle from....:)

ABibleStudent

Hi LittleMac, Ditto what jgnat wrote. It sounds like you and your wife are going through normal changes in life that are accentuated by being raised witnesses and now being free to explore experiences that you were denied doing as teenagers and young adults. Marriage counseling will help both of you to either grow closer or make it easier to decide to seperate amicably.

Right now you are probably being troubled by the indoctination that you experienced as a JW more than anything else and how your life is not fitting into those mental images.

Have you read "Getting the Love that You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix or visited his website, or read "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus" by John Grey or visited his website? What are the things that your wife does that are bothering you?

You wrote that you wished that you had played competitive sports while you were growing up. Have you thought about joining a sport league in your community? If you can figure out want you want from life, you and your wife may discover that you want to be with each other more than be apart.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

problemaddict

Hey Mac,

Why not propose a do over? What connected you both was your relationship to a high control group. That contains alot of challenges. But you both got out together. Still, so late in life, it can be hard to change the pathways in your mind that have been set for so long. Sometimes without those checks that have been in place for so long, people just kind of go buck wild.

Why not have a real discussion about where you are going to go. I mean there are only two roads. Divorce, and work that out so your kids and you both can have an unconfusing life going forward, or you she can come back, treat each other like new, have some conversations and try to start over.

Just a thought.

mouthy

My o nly response to this is.PLEASE consider the children,I find that kids suffer MORE from marriage breakups
that the two who are thinking of their own feelings.
Also why not pray about your dicissions ,asking for guidance,direction,& to lead you....
Sorry to put my two cents in. But all my grandkids that left the WT has kids that are really damaged goods now
Mouthy as usual

DesirousOfChange

Abandoning my old WT thinking made my wife fear that I might abandon her and our marriage as well. As you have discovered, it is a huge awakening and it affects the most fundamental things you have faithfully believed all of your life. You/she may question just HOW MUCH of what you have clung to and believed in has or will change.

All of a sudden you realize this other person is not going to be perfect soon or very, very soon, so you're going to have to deal with them "forever" as they are -- imperfect and all. And, as a loyal JW, you may have aleady made the decision to "stick with them" for the short time remaining. Now the time is not short.

Plus, you may come to realize that it's "now or never". All those things you were gonna put off until the "new world"? Yeah baby! You better go for the gusto -- NOW!

Goals? You never had any other than to do more in the "kingdom service". Retirement fund? Why bother! Personal goals? Why bother! Now all of those things are under re-consideration. Sounds like you have a stay-at-home wife. Sounds like you think the immediate future and eventual future for you both would improve if she worked towards those future goals (as in employment). Yep. Everyone else (in the world, and many in the Truth) have two incomes. It allows for more materialism benefits in life. You could do some traveling. You could enjoy investing in the "markets". Instead, you're living paycheck to paycheck because in the past it wasn't good to be "materialistic".

Maybe all these issues were already there, but in the past you reasoned "Jehovah hates a divorcing". Maybe your reasoning has changed. (That was my wife's fear.) Especially considering the fact that you have children, you really both should maintain that resolve. Experts suggest you do not make dramatic changes immediate after a stressful incident. Only someone who has gone thru it realizes the stress and shock of coming to see TTATT.

No two people are going to consistently "grow" at the same rate. If you change partners everytime one gets ahead of the other, then you'll be changing partners like some people change underwear. You are still a couple and you are still a family and it would do you both well to re-commit to that. (Or, if you must consider divorcing, consider what a very old couple I know did -- wait for the children to die. OK. Bad joke.)

Someone suggested "dating" each other. I'll second that. It allowed my wife and I to renew our relationship and realise it was OK to do things just for US instead of worrying that we weren't doing enough "for the Kingdom". PM if you need to talk.

Sorry for the length. I think I've traveled the road you are on.

Good luck,

Doc

nibbled

Ditto for the "grow together". It may not be at the same speed, but some things help like, "date your wife".

Knock her socks off. Throw her for a whirl. Get away just you and her. Dare to dream and share those dreams. Throw in a little chili powder.

Now that I'm single I can't imagine accepting any other man as my head than the Christ, but there is also something to be said for having a partner-in-crime and bed!

You remember that illustration about the pendulum pulled way back to one side? So you guys went swinging? Don't worry it'll settle down. Rely on your Father, he won't leave you even if you forgot to check in. I learned that.

Figure out what you want, with him in mind, and he'll work with you in accord with his will.

I'm always touched by the stories of couples who got out together.

I'll say a prayer for your family tonight.

Oh! And you said it, "it feels really good to get this out into words"... make sure you keep doing that, hopefully in words to your Father in prayer, and I also use a journal which is sort of like a letter to him, in addition to sharing on forums (virtual gathering together in fellowship, some company more pleasant than others!).

flipper

LITTLEMAC- You have some great suggestions from folks here- especially seeking out marriage counseling. Is your wife open to that possibly ? Only you and her both know intimately if you can work things out emotionally or in other ways in your marriage. That is one thing that a good college trained professional marriage therapist will help you consider regarding the important points with you and your wife's relationship. I wish you both the best. Remember we are here as friends and a support to you both, O.K. ? Peace out, mr. Flipper

We're both out 2 years now- crossroads

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