Ahhh, I need serious help.

by apostate man 26 Replies latest jw friends

  • apostate man
    apostate man

    Where do I start. My wife is a "closet alcoholic". I found out a month ago that she was lying to me since the day we met, almost 7 years ago. She finally come out and said "I have a problem" and she was half blitzzed when she said this.

    I work nights(2nd shift) and she works days(1st shift). I have the kids during the day and she has them at night. She can easily hide this from me now. When I found out about her problem, her JW mother found out also. Her mother gives Jehovah all the glory for telling me about her problem. She says it has nothing to do with me, even though it was I who caught her in a big lie about going to work that day, just to find out she never did(long story).

    I made threats for divorce. Then I recanted those threats and told her I would give her a chance under a few guidlines. First, quit drinking, Second, quit lying to me, Third, get professional help, Fourth, hand over her paychecks to me, Fifth, talk to me anytime about anything. Well, in the first week she broke all those "rules". She drank, lied to me about it, said she didn't need help, cashed her first paycheck from work and never said a word to me. So, I revised once again my rules. First, don't drink but if you do, tell me. Second, get help, I will go with you if needed. If not, then divorce.

    As far as I know it lasted 5 days. I came home early from work one night and saw a cup on the end table. She did not know I saw the cup. I took my time and started kissing on her, at the same time I reached behind her and stuck my finger in the cup, got up and walked away. I smelled alcohol. She then came into the kitchen with me and I asked her to her face, "Babe, you know you can talk to me no matter what it is, even if you have been drinking, and I will try to understand and work with you. Have you been tempted to buy, tempted to drink, have you bought or have you drank any alcohol recently?" "NO" "Well then, what's that?" She walks away and ignores me. Nothing more said that night.

    I caught her a few more times since. I finally got her to go to a meeting with a shrink. Everything was great after that, I thought. I had her put on the calender how many days "dry" she had been. She very reluctantly did this. She got up to 14 then quit. She says she is fine now and no drinking. She says she does not need to keep track because she knows how long it has been. Funny, some nights I come home and smell alcohol the second I walk through the door. I asked her about this, now she burns candles almost every night.

    We are looking at buying a house this year. I am confused on what to do. TODAY, I found two empty out of a six pack hidden in the kids arts and crafts box. Before she would hide them in the kids' desk, behind it was a cubby hole.

    Its not so much the drinking that bothers me, but the lying that does. I quit drinking about 9 months ago because everytime I went to get a beer or a drink, even after we just bought a 6 or 12 pack, they would all be gone. She agreed to not have alcohol in the house after that but insisted to her family that I was "Controlling".

    I have nowhere to go. My closest family lives 2200 miles away. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Apostate Man

  • apostate man
    apostate man

    I forgot, I blame this damn religion for her problems. She was raised in it and when she started studying again is when I joined this board.

  • ozziepost

    A sad story, Apostate Man.

    The lying that 'gets' to you is just another symptom of alcoholism. Just view it as that. She really needs good, qualified counselling and I don't mean she should go to the elders! But she has to WANT TO. That's the difficult part, to get the alcoholic to see that they have a problem.

    Try getting some information from Alcoholics Anonymous.


    "If our hopes for peace are placed in the hands of imperfect people, they are bound to evaporate."

    - Ron Hutchcraft Surviving the Storms of Stress

  • Silverleaf


    What a terrible situation. I hope you can convince your wife to get some help, but if you can't - there is an organization, I think it's called Al-Anon - that helps family members of alcoholics deal with the problem. They would probably be the best place to start to get help for yourself and your children on how to deal with this. I don't have any experience in this area personally, but I've seen it happen to others and all I can say is, don't give up yet, if you can reach your wife, she will thank you in the end for helping her, but don't forget to take all the steps necessary to protect yourself and your children both legally and financially in the mean time.

    I wish you all the best.


  • seedy3

    Hello Apostateman,

    My first wife was also a closet drinker, I put up with it for about 8 years of our 15 year marrage. We went through a car accident, 1 car accident that almost killed my kids. Shae had a blood alchoal level of .20 then twice the legal limit and had not drank for over an hour when she took off in the car, so she was smashed. Needless to say I understand what you may be going through, my wife did all those things too, the lieing, drinking, missng work, ect. She is going to have to get help, but she is going to have to want it. We tried to get her to stop drinking on our own but it never worked, not to sayit will not for you, but it seldom does alone.

    AA is a good place to start, before it gets way out of hand. If she refuses to go you may want to try going to Alanon your self for group support, and help, I did for a while, I really didn't care for it, but it did help some.

    For me what ended up happening was I told her that I was not going to put up with the lieing and drinking any longer, she now has to make a choice our marrage or the booze. I gave her 2 weeks to decide, she chose the booze. So I left. Tough love is not easy, and can seem quite cold, my current wife is a drug addict (recovering so to speak) she has not used in a few years, but it was a tough time for a while. But the tough love worked with her, she still smokes maryjane, but I have no problem with that, it's the Cocain and things like that are the real problem.

    I'm sorry to say there is no easy answer.

    If you need any support or just chat, e-mail me, my addy is listed.


  • BobsGirl

    I would recommend that you check out Al-Anon.


    It is a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. They can help you during this difficult time and support you through some difficult decisions.

    Welcome to the board!

  • LittleToe

    Alcoholism is rife in Scotland, so we tend to get information on it thrust down our throats, all the time (like a current TV ad campaign).

    The first step is admitting there is a problem.
    Then each day is a new step - one day at a time.

    I'd follow Ozzie's advice and get AA involved. They have a lot of experience in this.

  • ThiChi

    Any AA meetings out there? Find them and go with her, every step of the way.......

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    You can call me a heartless bastard and hate me for saying this, but why should she change? She's got you figured out - you keep issuing ultimatums and then backing away from them. Obviously YOU don't mean what YOU say.

    I'm sorry, but god isn't going to solve her problem or yours.

    Stop waiting for a miracle and figure out if this is the life you want to experience. Would living on your own REALLY be worse than this? Is this the best you deserve?

    You want to help her? Move out, and don't move back until she's certified sober for a year.

    - Nathan Natas, UADNA
    (Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America)

  • amccullough

    There are several different methods for attempting to deal with alcoholism. One common practice is to have what they call an intervention. This is where, unbeknownst to the alcoholic, all family members and maybe very close friends approach the alcoholic as a group to give an ultimatum of going into a medical facility for detoxification and treatment for alcoholism immediately, that day/night, or losing their family. Part of alcoholism is denial, so the idea here is to get enough loved ones to outnumber the alcoholic's claim of not having a problem.

    As already mentioned, you may want to contact a local alcoholic recovery group (AA or any other) for more detailed advice.

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