To be what must, you got to leave who you are. I wish you success.
Trying to be someone else?
by Honeybucket 13 Replies latest jw friends
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Honeybucket
@ Jaimebowers- Im at 28
I am soo done with the WTBS. There are a couple of things that I have been doing to help me transition into the world and not become biased on certian aspects. Voting, holidays, not going to meetings or service... ANYONE JUST CATCH THAT? TRANSITION BACK INTO THE WORLD? that really is cult talk, I might as well be a scientologists speaking of an alienbody or spirit. whatever. This way of thinking is just so asinine. My husband said yesterday "He should know what the society says about gossip" My eyes got wide. What does our crazy lingo sound like to others. So I am here trying to find my way, and I think with the help of this site and awesome members such as yourselves I have come ALONG WAY. Like scotoma's comment because we are NEVER taught to have goals or a plan. We are taught to live day by day. Planning for a future means you trust in man and not god. Seriously... this sounds insane. Who comes up with this shit. The woman that I mention in my story, the only one that has ever taken an interest in me, she is a meddler and a gossiper. I never realized it before, and I thought she was my friend. I think realizing and putting deffinate labels on people has helped me. In other words, I see them for who and what they are and I dont justify their behavior. someone who calls you up and asks you to take them shopping, never offers gas money, always makes you pick them up and they live out in the boonies.. this is a user. What is hard for to do is turn a blind ear and eye to the only person that has shown me love, whether harmful or not. I do love her, I gotta figure out who I love more, her or me. Id almost rather get DF'D right away so I dont have to go through the emotional tug-a-war. Id rather sever ties cleanly. Unfortunately, If I want a roof over my head and food in my belly, I gotta keep my ideas to myself. But dont get me wrong, I am putting up a pretty good stance. Stopped meeting and service attendance, getting rid of literature, a chance to point out hypocracy to my husband. Ill fight for him, and Im winning. I would like to thank witnesses acting like their true selves for that. LOL dumbasses. There is just a part of me that has looked up to someone for so long, I almost wonder if "demonizing" them will help. What I mean is giving them a nasty label in my head so they will be associated with how I dont want to be. This is also the first time I have been kinda clean and sober in about 10 years too. I started drinking heavily when I was 16 and a witness, then took a turn for the worse. Stopped being a witness and started being a professional drinker and an accasional hard drugger. It was after a couple day stint in jail that my witness grandmother started steering me back into being a witness. She housed me, fed me, got me a car. If I left she would think I used her. I pretended to be a witness just for material things. This is not the case at all. She insisted on these things and then guilted me for it. So during this time I started to go back to meetings I never stopped drinking, I was not a good robot. In fact my drugging got worse. I was very unhappy and I thought to myself that getting married will help me calm down and be the witness that I am suppose to be. Wll about 6 months into our marriage my husband finally got me into counseling and on medication. I stopped drinking and drugging cold turkey and Now my eyes have been opened. Strange, its usually the otherway around. I was drinking to self medicate, burying myself in deeper and deeper. Living a double life, yes. I didnt do this because thats who I was. I am not like that person, I strongly feel the negative mind control has influenced these choices. So now that I have not been drunk in over a year, I am finding more peace with myself. I find myself more tolerable, I am not tearing my own mind apart. Still that question remains, my mind is nearly a blank slate. Its obvious I dont have any belief system, I have no future hope of after death. Coming to terms with this is hard, and I keep finding myself looking at belief systems that are close to the Societys beliefs. Sickening, getting out of one cult doesnt mean your not going to fall for another.
Thanks for listening
Honeybucket
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happy@last
Try and see it as part of your journey. The lady was helping you, but her cult mindset was there also. You have a husband who cares about you also, judging by the fact he helped with the counselling. I'm presuming he didn't report you to the elders, so there's a chance he could be open minded, even slightly.
Don't do anything rash though, take small steps, watch what happens after each step and plan the next.
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jamiebowers
You're only 28! Sweetie, you're going to grow and change a lot Just look at how much you've accomplished in a year's time! Maybe your next step should be becoming financially indepedent, so you don't have to worry about keeping a roof over your head and food in your belly. Then you'll be free to express your opinions and live your life the way you see fit.