starting fresh

by rather be in hades 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  tootired2care

  I can totally relate to all the internal conflicts. I've always felt that I had to do things a certain way, like force a comment out etc. in order to avoid the guilt stares in the KH. I've never felt comfortable going to meetings, I always viewed those days as a ruined days. The weeks that I had meeting parts were just tortuture.

  I made an earnest effort to be really good, made a full confession to elders, became an MS, gave lots of talks, and worked hard in service. I expected to receive this "freeflow of holy spirit" in my life which was supposed to make me feel at peace. Do you want to know what I felt after doing this for a while? You guessed it - nothing other than being tired of it all. I don't think we often realize just how the layers and layers of guilt that the wts painted on us over the years has really warped our perception of how life works.

  I've only been out for a few months, and I feel despair and lonliness at times to. I worry so much how this is all going to go down with my family members that are clueless; I also wonder if i'll ever assimilate and make close friends with those aweful "worldy people" (LOL), and not feel like an outsider. I know these feelings are normal from the hole that is left from tearing all of this out of my life.

  I suspect it could take a few years, but I know it will work out fine in the end. Afterall what other choice is there? Going back, never!
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  Sauerkraut

  There's no reason for shame. Think about all the illusions other people hold on to. I think every single person alive has some kind of illusion they accept and never confront. Many are afraid of looking truths in the eyes, truths about themselves, or their circumstances or their spouse or something else. It's human nature. Sure, we were in a cult, but that doesn't mean we were weak minded. Staying in the cult despite what we've come to know would mean we are weak minded.

  It's a whole other story for born ins. We were molded to accept it all from childhood on. We saw some good things and concluded it's all good, it's all true. Being conditioned doesn't mean one is weak minded. We didn't know anything else and the truth appeals to feelings of superiority, we thought we knew it all while all those poor worldly people had no clue. We thought we knew the all the secrets.

  A challenge for me is figuring out who I really am. I have no clue right now, also don't know who I can be and want to become. What's also hard is getting rid of that "never going to die" idea and living a responsible life.
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  rather be in hades

  thanks all.

  i wouldn't say i was self righteous, if anything i was the shy quiet kid on the sides. starting around 7th/8th grade, i started pulling away from other people. on the one hand, i couldn't hang out with the other kids despite how much i wanted to, they were worldly after all, and the honest truth is, had i done that, i never would have stuck it out as a jw anyway.

  i forgot who raised the question, but something that's always bothered me was the point of personal responsibility.

  i take responsibility for not properly looking this shit up. that was my fault. i was baptized at 16, wtf was wrong with me? that's old enough to know real from bullshit. at least this kinda bullshit.

  all the decisions i made regarding my schooling, who i made friends with, self imposed restrictions, that was all my fault. i didn't like any of it, but went along with it because i believed it and my not doing due diligence is to blame.

  i'm just having one of those shitty weeks were it feels like i'm waking up everyday thinking, "what's the point? i'll always have this hanging over my head. i'll never have internal peace, i'll never get the stink of jw offa me."
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  King Solomon

  RBIH said:

  all the decisions i made regarding my schooling, who i made friends with, self imposed restrictions, that was all my fault. i didn't like any of it, but went along with it because i believed it and my not doing due diligence is to blame.

  I think you're being too hard on yourself for choices you made as a minor.

  Think of it this way: we don't hold minors responsibile for their crimes, and going with the JW flow is nowhere close to shooting or killing anyone, getting caught up in drugs, gangs, etc.... The fact is you probably would've encountered the religion issue at some point in your life, so you're actually pretty lucky to have figured it out this early in life. Just look at all the people who will NEVER figure it out: the Harold Campings of the World who will die having believed a massive lie, wasting all of THEIR lives. Look at all the people here who learned TTATT in their 60's.

  And even there, even though the truth IS a lie, they don't HAVE to look at their prior life as a complete waste: many raised families the best they could, worked an honest job, and genuinely tried to help others. There's NO SHAME in that kind of life, EVEN IF it was built around a lie.

  i'm just having one of those shitty weeks were it feels like i'm waking up everyday thinking, "what's the point? i'll always have this hanging over my head. i'll never have internal peace, i'll never get the stink of jw offa me."

  It wasn't always like this for me (I took some time to accept this fact), but I eventually came to decide it's better not to deny or blame my JW roots, but accept it as part of what makes me as I am today. Engaging in couda/shoulda is pointless wallowing in the past, and is often used as an excuse for continued retardation; instead just accept it to grow. Ball's in your court now, so run with it....
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  King Solomon

  Oh, on the born-in vs converted thing:

  I'm not so sure that born-ins are at so much greater risk of emotional and logical handicapping, since it's likely their JW parents DID offer structure in their lives. Compare that to those converts who had lived completely dysfunctional lives while growing up (w/ drug addict parents, etc), and when they join as adults they ARE already crippled, and ripe for being controlled in a cult.

  Granted, the converts likely don't face the loss of family issues (shunning), but it's harder to grow if you don't have the roots, and as dysfunctional some JW upbringings are, many are actually exceptional (although mislead), even by Worldly standards.
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  ekruks

  hades, you describe how i feel

  honeybucket, sounds like you are having a tough time - your husband doesn't understand, just like we all once didn't
• 

  LisaRose

  I was a Jehovah's Witness for thirty years. The last ten years I was mostly inactive, although I attended meetings. My husband was disfellowshipped early in the marriage, but I did my best to raise our two children in "the truth".

  The last years I had moved to a different area, and I was never really accepted in the new congregation. Then my life began to unravel. My daughter was actively suicidal for several years and attempted twice. My then husband almost died with internal bleeding twice and he didn't work for three years. I had a stressfull job I couldn't leave, as I had to support my family. My health broke down and I developed fibromyalgia, which caused a lot of pain and fatigue, making evening meetings almost impossible.

  I still thought this was the right religion, but doubts were creeping in. I realize now I was in a state of cognitive dissonance. I felt the JWs were right about the Trinity and hell fire, so I thought it must be the truth. But so many things were not as the publications said they were. I saw the elders were mostly pretty ignorant. I saw no love in that congregation.

  My marriage was a very bad one and I had only stayed due to the JW teachings. One day I had a realization that stunned me. I realized that staying in a bad marriage had done nothing for me, it did nothing for my children as it just gave them a bad example to follow. It didn't even do anything for my ex husband as it just allowed him to stay a helpless whiney baby. It was this realization that finally convinced me that this was not the truth. The Watchtower said it was ALWAYS better to preserve the marriage. They lied, and I wasted 28 years of my life because I listened to that lie.

  About that time I was contacted by a former high school friend. I wouldn't date him because he wasn't a Jehovah's Witness. But he never forgot me. We fell in love and he asked me to marry him. So I left the religion, divorced my husband and just moved out of state to be with my love. I never told anyone in my old Congo, why would I? I doubt they even noticed I left.

  At first I really couldn't reconcile my feelings about this religion. I lost my faith in it, and the loss hurt. The JW fantasy of a perfect world helped me cope with the bad in the world. But now that I know it is a fantasy, it's not like I could pretend I still believed. I knew I didn't want to be a JW, but what then? I didn't have the answer. It took several years but I finally realized I didn't need to have all the answers, nor did I need a religion.

  At this point I still identify with Christianity mainly, but I don't feel I have to attend church. I have gone to my in-laws Congregational church and it is very nice, so if I had to pick one, that would probably be it. They have a lot of tolerance for differing
  veiwpoints. I think some of them don't actually believe in God really. But they are nice to each other and supportive. No harsh judgemental attitudes.
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  rather be in hades

  i try to keep all that in mind. it's tough though. i'm not sure how to accept everything i've lost. i feel like i'm in shock. none of it makes sense.

  Oh, on the born-in vs converted thing

  i don't think there's a hard and fast rule. everyone comes into this thing for their own reasons.

  there's born ins who don't accept it and bounce out happily. there's the ones who leave with issues

  some converted happily, others converted while there was muck in their lives.

  what i do know is i repressed myself a lot. i wanted to play every sport. obviously couldn't. wanted to go to the school dances, didn't care much about getting stuff for xmas/holidays, but liked the togetherness. i played the violin for years but had to stop...holiday songs in the school orchestra. played the clarinet and wanted to join the marching band...couldn't...the marching band did nothing but patriotic songs my freshman year and my mom refused to let me try the next year in a different school.

  i liked to read, i read so much that i'd read during class and get in trouble weekly, nearly daily, for reading. of course horror books were out of the question, so i had to substitute crime for horror. i liked to read more than i lied cartoons and video games.

  so my mom exploited that. i'll never forget, nor do i think i can ever forgive her for rounding up all my books when i was 12 and telling me she was going to burn them because i wasn't reading the magazines. how ironic that farenheit 451 was in that stack of books.

  i look back on that and think..."how did i miss that warning sign???" that and i think what kind of crazy bitch would attempt to burn her son's books like that?

  @ekruks - it's a helluva way to wake up and it doesn't help that there's a bacon shortage coming
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  perfect1

  Sauerkraut, me too.