Please respond to an email from a distraught dad who is losing his daughter to the JWs through a JW boyfriend

by AndersonsInfo 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • AndersonsInfo
    AndersonsInfo

    I received the following email through my website, www.watchtowerdocuments.com. How would you reply to his question? (I'll send him the link to this thread containing your replies.)

    It is my hope that this parent will be helped after reading all the sincere and thoughtful posts made by many XJW posters. Will you offer him some advice?

    Thank you, Barbara

    I live in the UK and we were a happy family, none of us are Jehovahs Witnesses. My eldest daughter, now, 19, began to see a boy 2 years ago. He comes from a family of staunch JWs. When she met him, he told her he had come out of his faith, would not say why, but we do not believe in the faith and are strong church of England. I feel he said this to capture our daughter. She now wants nothing to do with us and will not talk about him or her plans. Her younger sister is devastated.

    I feel she is being brain-washed against her family. What can we do???

  • Rob Crompton
    Rob Crompton

    Barbara,

    This is a difficult one to respond to without details. But I see that your correspondent is in the UK and is strongly Church of England. So, as a

    UK resident, ex-special pioneer, and now ordained Methodist minister I might be someone who they could relate to. So maybe you could pass on

    my contact info:

    Rob Crompton

    http://snigsfoot.blogspot.com

    http://www.robertcrompton.com

  • sizemik
    sizemik

    Phew . . . Sorry to sound negative but this is probably worst case scenario . . .

    2 years is a while . . . so you're not just battling cult mind-control (yes, it is a classic cult) but also a young love bond which is probably quite strong. It's not uncommon for young JW's to do this . . . find a non-JW partner, all the while playing down the religious side . . . and then converting them so they can marry.

    If your daughter is drawing away from you to that extent . . . then she is well along to indoctrination and already a firm believer. All I can recommend is a reading of Author Steven Hassan . . . "Combatting Cult Mind control" and "Releasing the Bonds . . . Empowering People to think for Themselves"

    It won't be easy and you can't afford to make any of the classic mistakes . . . read before you do anything.

  • EndofMysteries
    EndofMysteries

    Mention them to mention if it was true he said he was leaving and then if things changed as they were dating. Try to get her to go to this website to investigate them, that they use deception and lies, etc. If he had told her he was leaving then suddenly he's bringing her into it, then that in itself was a deception on his part from the start. It could also be she told her parents that, and got to believing what he was telling her.

  • King Solomon
    King Solomon

    Well, his earlier claim of losing his faith does ring true, as no active diligent JW would ever consider dating outside of the JWs; their relationship would place him at great risk of being punished for it, if it were to come to light (depending on whether he's baptized).

    So the concern of your daughter being brain-washed, with him as the "lure", doesn't seem likely. While that's a MO of some cults, I've never heard of that as being part of JW recruiting methods. They should date only with the goal of marriage, and they marry insiders, only, or risk serious repercussions.

    However, it still doesn't address whatever issues she may be going through with her family ("strong church of England"); 19 is the age when most young adults start making their own way in life, including separation from the parents. She's likely feeling her way through the same issue of figuring out her own beliefs, and they share the same struggle of breaking free from the desires of the family, including the family religion. It's hard for JW youth, as it must be for her....

  • skeeter1
    skeeter1

    get in touch with Katie Holme's dad. Young love and cults don't last. Just be ready to catch her and provide a safe haven when she wants to come back. THe more he fights his daughter, the more she's going to run to the JWs at this age of 19. JWs are idealistic as are many 19 year olds. Perhaps old dad can impart some knowledge that ideals don't exist and trying to attain an idealisitic lifestyle of knowing absolutely about the unknown future is what drives the JWs to the coo-coo house.

  • sizemik
    sizemik
    no active diligent JW would ever consider dating outside of the JWs; their relationship would place him at great risk of being punished for it, if it were to come to light

    Really Sol? . . . that certainly wasn't my experience. A reasonable proportion of young ones I encountered were far from "diligent", in fact many were living double lives. As long as worldly friends were coming to the meetings and studying . . . nobody seemed to care. The young man will obviously want to preserve his family relationships at the expense of hers.

    Nobody's suggesting this is the "MO" of the cult . . . but it certainly happens.

    This man reports his daughter wants "nothing to do with her family" . . . hardly sounds like a normal young person stretching their wings. I grew up Anglican and have never met one who is possesive about their religion with their children . . . they're not normally that dogmatic. I don't think her religious choices are this man's real concern . . . but rather the well-being of his family relationships.

    During the conversion process it is stated very early on, that the student will experience opposition . . . from friends and family, and that this is actually Satan trying to prevent the student from having "the truth". Straight away this forms a family barrier . . . which has obviously been established here.

    It seems likely this Father has voiced his concern to his daughter and the cult reaction has kicked in.

    READ

  • EndofMysteries
    EndofMysteries

    If he talks with his daughter and tries to find out the real reason. If he allows her the freedom to believe what she wants, is that the issue, they are both feeling pressure from parents on what they personally don't believe. Or did he start to leave, have a change of heart, and bringing her into it, and she is going to feel her family as the 'worldly' people now. If it's the first thing, he has to be prepared to let her leave the religion she was raised in and just be family to eachother, if it's the 2nd, then hopefully can stop her from getting brainwashed.

  • Heaven
    Heaven

    JWs use guilt and fear on those who have doubts. This is probably what happened to the boy your daughter was seeing. She has obviously been drinking the kool-aid if she is withdrawing from you.

    All I can do is tell you what I did when my parents began withdrawing. I just ignored it. I kept going to see them. I accepted that they didn't want to celebrate Christmas any longer. That was ok. We just went to see them on another day around Christmas. I live in a country where religious freedom is a right and that's how I treated them. But when they wanted to talk about their religion I would bring up points that did not make sense to me to give them things to think about. I have/had the advantage of being 'born-in' but not baptized though. You are at a slightly bigger disadvantage in that you may not know all the nuances of this group.

    It may be good for you to get somewhat educated on the JW beliefs so that they don't get the upper hand with you. The jwfacts website is a good place to start and reading Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz (former Governing Body member of the Jehovah's Witnesses) might help you point out flaws to your daughter if she decides to 'witness' to you.

    Sometimes it was tough because when they were 'zealous' (newly baptized in da Troof and hell bent on converting everyone... aka extremists or fundamentalist), all they could talk about was Jehovah. I would kindly but firmly set my boundaries with them all the while letting them know I loved them. Keep inviting them over for dinner or asking to get together with them. Show them unconditional love. Blood ties do mean something even if she is attempting to supress it. I never brought up religion with my folks. They were always the ones to start the topics. It's inevitable with them. They can't stop. So then they were the ones who opened that door and I was able to get my points across. Sometimes they did not always like what I had to say but I definitely gave them things to think about.

    Never put down the religion. That won't work. Just try to point out contradictions especially when it does not align with scripture. And always, always be there for them and show them that you love them.

    I hope this helps a bit. Good luck to you. It may take some time. I personally refused to let this cult steal my family.

  • Band on the Run
    Band on the Run

    I am now Anglican, raised a Jehovah's Witness. When I was young, boyfriends were very important. They are. You can be your own religion and marry someone of a different faith. YOur spirituality should reflect your traditions, your family, your beliefs, and your life style. I was raised a JW. Holidays, simple things, such as saluting the flag, and viewing all society as the enemy are part of the culture. NO religion can be further from C of E. C or E is am umbrella religion. The Book of Common Prayer uses English so well. JW lit is very low brow. The Church of England does not focus on specific doctrines anymore. One can be Anglo-Catholic, HIgh Church, Broad Church, and Low Church. You can support gay rights or polygamy.

    If your bf loves you, he will respect your decisions. YOu can die if you need blood. Your children will never know a birthday of Christmas. Even if you divorce, you still have to worry if he will have them die rather than ok a blood transfusion. They will be taught that the earth is bad. People are horrible. Government, the engine that builds roads, maintains order so chaos does not run, will be mocked. Any other than a voc track high school degree will be mocked. I attended college despite the Witnesses. You will never be able to use your mind --and admit to it.

    Women are treated very poorly. Men are told that they must dominate women. If you are raped, tough luck. The most intimate details of married life are spied on by the Witnesses. Only a short while ago men with no training penalized married couples who had any oral sex or one assumes genital stimulation, short of missionary intercourse. Birth control will be unavaile - if you are a loyal Witness. No matter how many years you study, no matter how well you know JW doctrine, no matter how many hours you spend in field --any man, even one so mentally challenged as to have a one year mental age will have supremacy over you. You must obey your husband even if he beats you or abuses you emotionally.

    Your children will be forced to attend several JW meetings a week. Sheer boredom for adults. No provision will be made for their age appropriate settings. They will hear how a completely wrathful God will destroy all at Armageddon. I still fear demons, even tho I do not believe they exist. Years on end my sister and I could not sleep b/c we scanned our room for demons. Demons whose only quest seems to be to rape women. I have yet to hear of a demon attracted to a man. No gay demons.

    This would be sad but I guarantee it will be very difficult to sustain over the long run b/c your parents provided you with a decent Christian education. 98% of all Christians agree with the basic tenets of the C of E. Jehovah's Witnesses are only self-reported Christians. Christ is a very minor figure in their theology. Basically, the Witnesses want to be ancient Israelites. Notice that they are not Christ's Witnesses, but Jehovah's Witnesses. Jehovah is not the personal name of God. YHWH is. or the name of God for a while in the Bible.

    If you want proof, I suggest that you just sit with your Bible and read it in consecutive verses as it was meant to be read. YOu need no commentaries or historical knowledge. Ask what you think the author meant. What is the context over several chapters or the whole book. Doing this opened my eyes. If you read the WT, take a copy to someplace with an academic database. Read the articles cited and ask if the Wt reported it accurately.

    I suppose the grass is always greener. I love my parishes. We have a glorious, welcoming tradition. I also know of very unChristian behavior b/c my father was a bodyguard at Bethel, the main HQ. They are not godly. I will admit this, however. I believe any religoius HQ is corrupt.

    A good relationship would mean that you give up a bit for your boyfriend and he gives up a bit for you. There is no reason why you cannot be Church of England. He should respect what you are now. When I was your age, however, I would never believe what older people told me. Don't be burdened with a husband and children before you find what you can tolerate. I am a New Yorker. Many couples marry with different faiths. Few change their faith. Many Jews attend Easter and Christmas services at the Anglican Cathedral. Their spouses/partner attend synagogue or temple to show respect. You can remain essentially you.

    The sad part is that my statements are factual. When I attended Anglican confirmation class, my teacher said the Church required our all. All our intelligence, our art, our music, our business sense. All the Witnesses require is for you to obey. I never, ever have heard any Anglican priest, no matter whether Anglo-Catholic or low church, suggest that the C of E was the only way. Other traditions are valued. Our local Cathedral schedules sermons by Catholics, Buddhists, and Shinto priests. The Anglican tradition is only a tradiiton, One approach to the universal Christ. No such tolerance exists with the Witnesses.

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