Funny Amazon Customer Reviews of the Bible

Aware!

I was looking for a different Bible translation to read after I finish the NWT and I found two funny customer reviews. Check them out!

#1 http://www.amazon.com/review/R2NCWO210IWBXK/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B001EOCFU4&linkCode=&nodeID=&tag=

#2 http://www.amazon.com/review/RHMDPBWSOQ6XL/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#RHMDPBWSOQ6XL

whathappened

Funny. I wish I were as clever as these reviewers.

Aware!

So do I. The first one really cracked me up. I'll post it here.

I would like to be charitable and generous in my evaluation---even Christian, if you know what I mean---but I can't give this book anything more than ONE STAR because there are just too many unanswered questions in it. As examples:

1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided that they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this bad economy, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. The Bible teaches that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her menstrual period, but how can I tell? Whenever I ask women I meet if they are menstruating, they take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor to the Lord [Lev. 1.9]. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination [Lev. 11.10], it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. Are there different degrees of abomination?

7. Leviticus 21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19.27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes people unclean. Does this mean that Tim Tebow must stop throwing footballs, or that football should be abolished?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread [cotton and polyester blend]. He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary to get the whole community together to stone them [Lev. 24.10-16]? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family ceremony, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws [Lev. 20.14]?

If the author of this book can clear up these issues, I'll consider buying the next edition.

ziddina

Aaargh....

That first "review" is a plagiarism of an old satire that has been going around for a LOOOOOOOOONG time.... I'm surprised you haven't run across it before. I read that, couched in a slightly different framework, back in the 1990s.

On the other hand, Review #2 is very original, as far as I can tell, and I'm sufficiently impressed with IT to post it here:

"For those of you who don't know, this is God's second novel after the Old Testament. It's a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He's become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn't throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book.

That said, there is still vast room for improvement. Plot wise, there isn't really much suspense, and the story can be incredibly repetitive. In like four chapters, he just rewords the same basic story over and over again. To top that off, he puts those chapters one right after the other. Like we wouldn't notice! I like the whole Jesus character, but let's face it, the whole good guy martyr thing has been done before. There was no need to devote so much of the book to that guy.

If you're really looking for a good God read, check out the Koran or the Book of Mormon. They're much more polished. Plus, the storytelling in the Book of Mormon is wild. Some people say it goes too far and point to it as evidence that God's over the hill, but I beg to differ. Just read it. God's like a genius or something. I mean, magic spectacles! Tell me that isn't awesome. I don't know how he dreams up some of this crap."

Hee hee hee heeee!