I have also made the transcript available. It isn't an exact transcript because even with the papers in front of me I tend to edit as I go but this is as close as I can get.
The Invisible Victims of Cults
Lee Marsh
This a slightly larger version of the presentation I gave at the ICSA Conference in Montreal Canada July 5-7 2012 . It is the transcript I used on the video.
My name is Lee Marsh and I am a retired social counselor with 20 years experience working with adult survivors of many kinds of abuse and trauma
I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses for 22 years, and left as a walk-away believer. It took me another 10 years to even begin to research anything about them. In a way this feels like a home-coming because Montreal is where I spent those 32 years.
For the last 11 years I have been a member of an online discussion board for ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses. ( www.jehovahs-witness.net ) This discussion board now gets 235,000 visits per month from 130,000 unique visitors and about 1,600,000 page views. There are over 223,000 topics and almost 4.5 million posts in total. We are seeing an increase of as much as 57% in the US alone. It is a very busy board.
I just want to add that there is nothing scientfic about what I am saying. It is obervations and personal experiences. I think it might be useful when working with cult survivors.
Over the years I have seen a growing number of new members who belong to 3 specific groups and they are asking for information and support concerning the issues they face. They are often invisible. I say that because they don’t go to meetings or Witness events. They rarely go for counseling. For the most part their lives are on the side-lines -- always coming second place after the religion
The first group consists of people who have no experience with or knowledge about Jehovah’s Witnesses They are dating someone who was either raised as a Witness or is leading a double life with one foot in the religion and the other trying to live in the real world.
A subset of this group consists of unbelievers who are now married to the Witnesses they were dating or the person they are married to became a Witness sometime after the marriage.
The second group consists of married couples where both parties were Jehovah’s Witnesses but one spouse decided to leave the religion but not the spouse. The ex-Witness does this with great trepidation knowing that it will create stress on the relationship. They may find it difficult to manage a slow fade by reducing the number of Witness activities slowly which means slowly reduce the number of meeetings or how many times they go preaching.
The third group consists of adults who were raised in the homes from the first two groups; but only one parent was a Witness. Most often one parent was never a Witness The challenges these people experience growing up are tremendous and result in long term issues for them to overcome.
Dating a Jehovah’s Witness
Most people know very little about the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses. It generally comes as a surprise to them when they find out the person they are dating was raised as a Witness. Often they aren’t even told until the relationship becomes serious and talk about living together or marriage arises. They don’t understand why they haven’t met the family or that he or she has never told the family that they are involved with a non-Witness They think this is no different than any couple where there are religious differences,. They can’t believe that the Witness family will not approve or that they will do everything in their power to terminate the relationship.
They are at a total loss when it comes to the extreme reactions many Witnesses will have if sexual intimacy has begun. Premarital sex is forbidden amongst Witnesses. The Witness may feel a lot of shame and guilt and want to end the relationship so they are no longer tempted. They may talk about confessing their sin of fornication and say that they need to plead forgiveness to the elders of the congregation. The non-Witness doesn’t understand all the rules about sex and the need for confession. If the Witness breaks off the relationship the unbeliever often begins searching the internet to find some answers. Some of them find their way to our discussion board.
The Witness may try to encourage and even push for the unbeliever to study so they can continue to see the each other. If this is met with reluctance then it is common for the Witness to feel compelled or even forced to end the relationship.
The unbelievers start searching the internet for some answers. Many are reluctant to end the relationship and think if they only can find the right things to say, they might be able to save the relationship and get their loved one out of the religion..
Married to a Jehovah’s Witness
Frequently an inactive Witness will marry to legitimize the relationship with an unbeliever an to thwart attempts by the family from becoming involved and try to end the relationship. Both parties believe the family will be more accepting once they are married. However the unbeliever soon realizes that the issues run far deeper than they thought. Many say that if they had known what they were getting into, they would have left long before the marriage. They don’t understand why the Witness’s family why the family can’t just be happy for them.
Some couples seem to work it out. Many don’t. The home often becomes like a war zone where the UBM (unbelieving mate) feels emotionally abandoned and they feel like they are constantly fighting to maintain their own beliefs. Too often the Witness doesn’t give up fighting to have everything their way until the person moves out or gives up. Sadly many give up the fight and allow the Witness to rule the home. The UBMs aren’t allowed to wish the Witness Happy Birthday. Holidays are ruined. If the unbeliever attends their family’s holiday celebrations, most often they will have to go alone.
Before long the UBM begins to resent all the time taken for studying, meetings and preaching. The Witness is out 2-3 times a week at meetings or to go preaching. More hours are spent preparing for meetings and studying the books.
The UBM also learns that Witnesses have a clear double standard. While the Witness expects honesty from the unbeliever, the UBM cannot rely on the same from the Witness who will often break promises, and treat the unbeliever as if nothing they do is enough. Communication and trust break down and the UBM is treated with contempt. They are not as important because they are not Witnesses.
Some UBMs suggest couples or marriage counseling which is not recommended for Witnesses. Instead the Witness may suggest an alternative where an elder from the congregation will be asked to come counsel them. Elders are not counselors. They have no training and they have one agenda – support the Witness against the non-Witness and uphold Witness rules and standards. These sessions often result in further deterioration of the marriage. I have heard more than once when the Witness will assert that everything would be fine if the unbeliever became a Witness. There is no room for cooperation or compromise. The unbeliever is expected to follow Witness rules even though they are not a Witness. You are either in, or you are out and if you are out then your thoughts and feelings, beliefs and goals are worth nothing.
UBMs who do eventually find a therapist, want to learn how to respond to the challenges. They are tired of the fighting and want information to help them develop the skills they need if they are going to remain in the marriage. Therapists can help by realizing that this religion does not bring family closer together. When both parties are not Witnesses this religion drives a wedge between husband and wife..
UBMs who remain in their marriages with a Witness often remain on the discussion board to offer support and information to the new posters who appear on a regular basis. Most often their first suggestion is to run and move on with their lives. But for those who are determined to make the relationship work they have become an invaluable resource for those who need it.
Couples where both were Witnesses but only one decided to leave the religion but remain in the marriage.
It is painful to read the posts of ex-Witnesses who are still married to a spouse who chooses to remain in good standing in the congregation. Most often there was a crisis of conscience that moved the person to leave the Witnesses. They have taken great pains to cautiously talk to their spouse about the things they have researched and their feelings about it. They do this knowing that there is a risk that the spouse may go to the elders to report apostate beliefs and then judicial actions may be taken against them.
Unlike UBMs who have never been Witnesses those who leave are treated with disdain and fear. They are outcasts and shunned by all Witneses. A Witness spouse often feels obligated to become more zealous in an attempt to prove she is not following in the spouse’s footsteps. Since the unbelieving mate is now viewed as under the control of Satan, it becomes easy to discount everything they say, all their feelings and even mutually agreed upon compromises.
Some of the comments they express include that they feel very sad, many saying that although they now feel more spitritualy connected than ever; they are now considered to have spiritually abandoned their family, and they feel a great loss in the communications and intimacy of the relationship. If what they learn and share is not appreciated, many learn to hide the things they are learning and try to accomplish a slow fade so that they can maintain some degree of connection with the Witness spouse rather than being disfellowshipped and shunned.
The Witness spouse may suggest counseling with an elder but that is rarely accepted because the ex-Witness knows it will quickly turn into a judicial committee where they might be disfellowshipped. All discussion about religion stops in the home. The major thing that they had in common and kept them together is now gone. The Witness spouse will often become depressed and often lashes out with anger believing they have been spiritually deserted..
Often there is a total breakdown of the relationship. The couples who already have children become scared of how this will affect them. Children are often expected and coerced into taking the side of the Witness parent because according to the Witnesses the only side that is permitted.
Ex-Witnesses would like therapists to understand the extreme power structure of the Witnesses. Saying no to the elders is considered as serious as saying no to God. Turning your back on the religion means that you no longer have any rights within the family. They can lie to you and about you. Your word will never be valued. You become a non-person.
It is within this group where divorce is most likely and if there are children, custody battles can become long drawn out affairs where the ex-Witness’s authority is undermined, where children are taught how to lie in a courtroom or to social services. The Watchtower Society has published a booklet entitled Preparing for Child Custody Cases to help Witness parents and their lawyers teach children how to lie in these situations.
Witnesses believe they are justified in protecting their children from a demon controlled parent who is no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Children are taught that the ex-Witness parent is controlled by Satan and that they should limit all contact with that parent. It is no wonder these children grow up believing that if they try to be good enough they might be able to get the ex-Witness parent to return to the congregation.
Adults who came from religiously divided homes.
A few quick poll on the discussion board and pretty much confirmed what I have read over the years.
This third group, made up of SGAs (Second Generation Adults) who were raised in the first two groups, seem to have the greatest difficulty in adjusting to life as an adult in the real world. Part of that is the result of growing up in a cult but the broader dysfunction of the religiously divided home adds to the problems they face. In the majority of instances they come from homes where one parent was never a Witness and the other parent was raised as a Witness or joined sometime after the marriage. More often they are the children of group 1 but there are instances where they come from the marriages of group 2 although that might be changing.
This group breaks down into a few subgroups.
- The first sub-group is made of children born from couples in the first group where one parent had never been a Witness. The UBM may have studied with the Witnesses to silence the Witness spouse but decided it was not for them and refused to get further involved. They had no strong religious beliefs so they saw no real harm to the children and allowed the Witness parent to raise the children as Witnesses.
- The non-Witness parent had their own religious beliefs and wanted nothing to do with the Witness religion. This group breaks down again into 2 groups:
- The unbelieving parent had done a great deal of research on the Witnesses and had often tried to discuss the beliefs and many had resorted to leaving literature around the home. There were frequent arguments over how to raise the children and often the children often overhear the parents. As a result many children felt caught in the middle. They wanted the fighting to stop but quickly learned that the Witness parent would resort to emotional blackmail and threats of death at Armageddon if they do not go to the meetings and become a good Witnesses. Growing up they suffered tremendous fear and guilt if they decided to stay home with the unbelieving parent. This parent often tried to protect the children as much as possible.
- The unbelieving parent had no interest in any religion and had never done any research concerning the Witness beliefs. They may resent the loss of holiday celebrations but had learned to be passive and give the Witness parent what they want – free reign to raise the children as Witnesses.
The children from these homes often resented both parents: the Witness parent for forcing a religion on them and the passive parent for not protecting them.
- When one parent no longer went to meetings, either because they had disassociated themselves, were trying to fade or were disfellowshipped, the other remained involved problems often arose sue to the religious differences.. Most of these couples remained together but a few went through very bitter divorces and custody battles. It is very rare that these children wound up living with the non-Witness parent after a divorce.
The ex-Witness parent knows exactly what will happen after they stop being a Witness. They hope for the best and plan for the worst. If the children are at an age where they can begin to reason with them and teach them to question the world around them and teach them to be critical thinkers the adult ex-Witness has a better chance of maintaining a relationship with the children and hopefully give them the room to make their own choices. This often backfired when the Witness parent intervened. However If the children are older and already fully involved in the Witness life, they may have little chance of protecting the children.
Regardless of whether the unbelieving parent was ever a Witness or not overwhelmingly the children were forced to go to meetings and taught to be good little Jehovah’s Witnesses. Many said they never realized they might have a choice. They listened to their parents arguing about how the children should be raised. They listened to agreements and compromises made only to have the Witness parent break them.
All Witness children are taught to believe that the world as they know it would soon be destroyed. They were taught to believe that unless a person is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses that person would be killed with the end came. That is pretty scary for a child. They didn’t want their parent to die, so many children were easily manipulated into trying to convince the unbelieving parent that they had to come to meetings and become a Witness. Some children took this so seriously they didn’t need a lot of encouragement to try to convince a parent to study the Bible and become a Witness.
They also learned that whatever the non-Witness parents believed, it was worth nothing. Regardless of how sincere, how loving, how devoted that parent might be it all was for nothing as worthless. They would be destroyed.
Few of the non-Witness parents had any say about holidays or birthdays. While some parents took the children to see the non-Witness extended family for holidays, they often went without the Witness parent. And in most cases when the children got home they were told they were sinning against Jehovah by going to see the family to celebrate the holiday and by accepting gifts. They soon learned that it was easier to stay home than to risk the displeasure of the Witness parent.
Many of the SGAs polled said that they slowly became alienated from the non-Witness parent. Because the parent was unwilling to serve Jehovah the parent was doomed to die. They felt robbed of their childhoods and of the close relationship they could have had with the unbelieving parent..They found themselves trying to please both parents but only succeeded in making themselves miserable.
Some of the long term consequences they cited included: being hyper-sensitive to criticism, becoming people pleasers with no sense of self. They had problems with relationships, trust, communication and control issues. They had been denied an education beyond high school so they felt they were not well prepared to live in the real world. They suffered from anger, depression, suicidal thoughts and a few had attempted suicide, and they had a hard time planning for the future because Witnesses don’t plan for a future in this world.
Many became walk-away believers. They discovered, however, that it was easier to leave the Witnesses than it was to leave all their beliefs behind. Many still felt enslaved to those beliefs and realized they needed to work hard to dig them out and find reasonable replacements for them.
This group was more likely than the first 2 groups to go to counseling due to many of the issues they face. Making the connection between the religion and the problems in the religiously divided home was harder and they felt that few therapists understood the depth of those beliefs and how they were operating in their lives now that they are adults .
Many people who responded to the poll mentioned the issue of a double standard that they have lived with while growing up. Many were told that the non-believer was under the control of Satan. But they knew that parent to be more tolerant, be less judgmental and patient than the Witness parent. They were taught to fear the non-Witness parent while being forced to love a God that was going to kill them if they were not Witnesses.
Some learned to live double lives but this often left them feeling like they didn’t belong in either world. They felt isolated. They were not allowed to have non-Witness friends but they weren’t really accepted in the congregation either due to having only one Witness parent. If one parent had been disfellowshipped, acceptance was even more difficult for them to achieve.
While some were glad that the unbeliever gave up fighting in the home for the sake of peace many felt betrayed and wished they had fought back and protected them more. SGAs said their whole childhood was a juggling act between the two sides of the family. They believed that no matter what the unbelieving parent did or didn’t do, they could not win against the Witness parent. In this group many had reached out for information and support so that might be a huge contributing factor in their well-being..
Of the three groups, Dating or married to a Witness, ex-Witness married to an active Witness, and the children of those 2 groups, it was the third group that was most likely to seek professional help and as a result they seemed to be doing fairly well. Most had realized they had some serious issues to deal with and had sought counseling. On the discussion board they strongly encouraged others who were really struggling to seek therapy. Many remained on the discussion board to help new members who need information and support.
Thankfully websites like jehovahs-witness.net can be a great source of support and encouragement for those who are trying to live outside of the Witness world. It would be great to see online groups like this one and the many other online resource sites help people fell less alone
