Hi everyone, my goodness....I dont know how to thank all of you! Your posts touched me so deeply; I dont know how to thank you all or how to tell you how much your kindness and love have meant today.
I know we all have so many of our own problems and issues to deal with; I feel kind of foolish for.....God, I dont know what? For feeling so lost, so utterly impotent to change all that is going on, both inside my head as well as in my family, that I would be weak enough to want to give up and give in. For worrying the kindest, most dearest man I have ever been fortunate enough to know, let alone love....and I do Richard, with all my heart!
I feel foolish for not keeping it together and even posting about this, in retrospect. It's just that I was really searching for a lifeline this morning; searching for some warmth, and...again, I dont know what, that would let me regain my footing....because both feet had slipped big time. Sounds pretty melodramatic, I suppose. God knows I dont mean for it to.
I have always been a strong person; starting from as long as I can remember. I had to to survive home; like so many of us here. My mom always used to tell me how strong I was and how much she depended on that. That was the highest compliment someone could pay me growing up; still is in many ways. It was something I always strived for; so maybe that is why I feel so foolish for today.
Somethings that are going on I couldnt talk about if I wanted to due to a gag order I signed(sometimes I wish I had the money lying around to pay the penalty for breaking the order; I would have one hell of a book if I ever did, on the other hand maybe its just as well) Other problems are ones we are all facing to one degree or another: financial worries, abusive ex's,parental worries, etc. Sometimes all the factors become critical and you begin doubting yourself, your worth, and your ability to stop what feels like a moving train, with your bare hands....Im sure you know what I mean. But you are all right, through it all I have someone so special, and strong to lean on when I just dont remember how, that I should be able to get through anything....as long as he is by my side at least in spirit, I will always have a reason to go on and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know in many ways I am exceedingly fortunate, for having such an exceptional, wonderful man to love, for my two boys, and for surviving the things I have; things that I have seen friends of mine kill themselves over who I thought were stronger than me(Now THAT's a scary thought) and for having wonderful, caring people like you here, that take time to do more than just read, but actually take time out of there busy, chaotic, stressful lives to care and offer their hand in friendship! You are all the best!! Im crying right now; it's hard to type through the tears.....but it is such a good cry, and Ive needed it for so long. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And thank you for letting me talk, when I think of the comraderie, friendship and caring that is shown on this board every day, I feel like spitting in my ex's eye when he spouts WT rhetoric to me about not being able to find true friends in "the world", esp. not with "those apostates"! Hey, I'll throw my lot in with you guys anyday and with great pride! Anymore I think being an "apostate" is a real badge of honor!
So everyone, thanks for being there for me today, for making me smile and even laugh, and maybe esp. for making me cry.
Love you all,
Windrider (Robin)
