The ugliest statment A parent can say to their child.

by jam 35 Replies latest jw friends

  • jam

    My ex (Jw) told my two youngest 9 and 11, your dad

    wanted more kids, meaning them. We had two older.

    How would A child feel after their mother tell them, I really

    didn,t want you. We were going thru A divorce and she took

    it out on them. That hurts me even to this day.

    Zealous JW,s can be the cruelties people in the world.

  • Band on the Run
    Band on the Run

    It is very sad.

  • cyberjesus

    it all depends on the context...

  • jam

    Those two (the two older ones were married) got

    the butt of her writhe. Their take, she wish they were

    never born. They are adults today and that statment, both


  • blond-moment

    My mother was the queen of saying hurtful things. She knew how to wound to the core.

  • TheSilence

    My dad disowned me, told me I was no longer his daughter, when I was 13 and told him I didn't believe in his religion. We lived in the same house and he didn't speak to me for months.

    When I was 16 my dad told me that I was a cold, hard-hearted person who didn't respond to love and I didn't know where I was running to I only knew what I was running away from. This was because I went on my first date.

    Not too many years ago my dad called to tell me he had 4th stage throat cancer and that the doctor's gave him a 25% chance of survival if he pursued traditional medicine but that he was not going to pursue traditional medicine, he was going to pursue alternative treatment in Mexico. He told me he had known about this for 6 months but hadn't told me because he didn't trust me to let him make his own medical decisions (because when he was disfellowshipped and threatened to commit suicide I put him in the hospital against his will). He told me the only reason he was even telling me at that time was because enough people knew about it that I was going to find out about it anyway.

    My dad beat the cancer (after finally giving up on the alternative medicine and pursuing traditional medicine) and is still around today. I was never baptised, there is no reason for him to shun me per the WT rules but the only time I ever see or hear from him is if we somehow end up at some family event together... usually a wake since he won't attend weddings or funerals that have any type of religious format. On the few occaisions that a song or something reminds me of him and I contact him via email to just let him know he's in my thoughts I get pages of guilt back, simply an effort to get me to believe something I don't.

    There are worse things than being unwanted before you are born. You can be unwanted after you are born.

    But the thing is if you teach your children to be strong and wise they will learn that such things define your ex-wife, not them. They will learn that the issues are hers, not theirs. You can not change who your ex wife is or the things that she says to your children. What you can change is how you teach your children to view those things: with bitterness and spite, or with understanding that their mother is wrong and none of us are perfect and forgiving her for her faults and errors will benefit them more than it will her. It will always hurt them, what she said, but holding on to bitterness and spite will not be good for them. Teach them to understand that the fault does not lie with them and to find a way to forgive her because the fact of the matter is that they love her and finding a way to have a good relationship with her despite any such asinine comments will bring them more peace in the long run.

    I love my dad. I am here if he ever wants a relationship with me. I have already forgiven him the things he has done and said because I know from where they stem. That doesn't mean the thought of them doesn't still hurt sometimes... but it means I don't hold on to the bitterness and anger, it means I don't hate him. It means I am open to a healthy relationship with him if ever he is open to it as well. And what it means is that one day when he dies I will not regret my actions, only his.

    I hope you teach your children to be the better people in their relationship with their mother so they are never doomed to living with lifelong regret for how they handled themselves. I hope you teach them enough self worth to know that when their mother says such things it is about her and her inadequacies not about them. And I hope you teach them that all humans have such inadequacies and to live with tolerance and understanding in their lives, even when they have been wronged. I have found it to be the best way for me, personally, to find peace.



  • NewChapter

    When I was 16 my dad told me that I was a cold, hard-hearted person who didn't respond to love and I didn't know where I was running to I only knew what I was running away from. This was because I went on my first date.

    Hmmmm. Your father did not know you at all. I've had the pleasure of getting to know you---a little bit---and I find you to be incredibly warm and quite intuitive. You quickly pick up and define the emotions of others, and that is a rare gift. You comfort with just a few words---as you are not wordy---and that too is a rare gift. The time I have spent with you has been immensely enjoyable. You make people feel accepted and not judged, and you are patient. And I've barely got to know you. So off with you---go about spreading that joy lady. Your father has missed out on a great relationship.

  • jam

    Thanks Jackie, like you both kids have come out of this as

    strong adults. My youngest daughter, married with three

    kids that adore her, she has become A great mom. Both

    have turn out to be great adults. And I must say, so have you.

  • TOTH

    I hope they were able to shake off that one. So sad when adults use the kids to hurt other adults.

  • Bobbi

    When I was 7 I remember my mother telling me "she loves me but doesn't like me".

    Just be glad you are there to counteract the uterus who bore them and tell them every child is a blessing.


  • sabastious

    I'm sorry jam, no one deserves that kind of treatment.


  • mrsjones5

    " There are worse things than being unwanted before you are born. You can be unwanted after you are born."

    You said it sista. Gosh, I have so many stories I could tell about the crappy things my parents did to me as a child. My mother told me over and over that I had no personality because I was quiet and my father basically ignored me unless I did something wrong. Things didn't get any better when I reached my teens years. I wanted desperately to be a model, my father told me I didn't have the looks for it. My mother would tease and harass me about being chubby when she was just as fat. I'm the oldest but my father bought my sister a car when she was 15 (I'm almost 3 years older than her) and when I protested my father said to me just because I was the oldest not to expect anything special. Wtf!

    I have four kids and I don't treat them with disrespect and meanness like my parents did me because I love them, really love them with all my heart and they know it.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite


    I don't see a need for you to feel bad or guilty about what the ex said to the kids. She's the one that should be burdened with guilt. Just keep reminding your children that you are glad that you had them and that you love them very much... But I get the impression that you already do that.

  • Jeffro

    jam, you have a PM

  • ohiocowboy

    Jam, I am sorry that your ex said that to your kids. Jw's can be so cruel.

    The Silence, it must have been very uncomfortable to be shunned and ignored by your father when you were only 13. I laud the fact that you were able to forgive him so easily. Forgiveness is a quality that is becoming more rare in the world, and it is refreshing to see someone such as yourself so willing after all that he did to you.

    I was beaten a lot, usually by my mother but I didn't mind that as much as the verbal words. My father would sometimes tell me that he hated me, called me worthless, useless, that I wasn't his son (Even though he really was my father), and he told me that I disgusted him and made him sick. My mother would call me Queer, Sissy, Rag Doll, Squishy Marshmallow, muffin, and a Dish rag. Take out the trash, Queer; do the dishes Sissy, etc. When my mother called me those things, the look on her face was one of anger mixed with disgust, so much so that she even spit on my face one time, but the look on my father's face was as if I was a piece of sh*t that got stuck on his shoe mixed with pure hatred. No exaggerations. After all of these years, I can still see the look on his face, and I can still feel how it made me feel.

    It was very emotional for me, and I spent many days crying when I was alone. But, I didn't dare cry when they were around though, or I would get beaten and the names would start again. The very last words that I ever heard my father say to me was when they found out that I was Gay, and he said that I may as well be a murderer or rapist, and as far as he was concerned he has no son. My mother agreed with him, and my mother told me that they threw away any pictures that they had of me. That was the last I ever heard from my father, he died several years later, and I didn't find out until 3 years after the fact when I found his obituary on the internet. My mother wouldn't even call me to tell me that he died, and when I asked her about it, she told me that I would have to find out about her on the internet too.

    My parents had the appearance of being the perfect couple. My father was even the P.O. on the cong. JW's are all about appearance. If others only knew what went on behind closed doors.

    Sorry for the long post, but I couldn't stop typing. It feels so good to get something out that has been bottled up for awhile.

  • vanyell

    It's really painful to have parents that tell their children that they are not liked or aren't wanted at all. Children, as result will go either way, being self destructive or learn to live a full life. It's really up to the child personally on how will one decide to react to such a screwy situation. Unfortunately, a lot of those will chose self-destruction. With JW's practice of shunning, it is even more imperative that the ex-JW community be able to provide a positive supporting structure to help those persons deeply affected by this insidious doctrine. To help them to stand on their own and realize that having free will means that one gets to choose what path to take. and the courage to stand on it. Whether there is a God or not, we must be cognizant of the fact that, in the end, one is truly alone. Fight the good fight. Kudos to all the members of the forum who have been extremely supportiive, compassionate and patient with ex-JW newbies and JW trolls.

  • nugget

    Taking out spite on the children is cruel. It is these brief moments of cruelty that we cling to and have the biggest impact. Your wife was so wrong t tell the children they were unwanted. Certainly to offer them no reassurance that whatever had been her state of mind in the past she had no regrets now would have tempered her statement and offered the children the hope that they were indeed loved. However if they have a dad that loves them that is still a special thing and your x wife needs to be very concerned after all it is the children that get to pick your nursing home.

  • Disillusioned Lost-Lamb
    Disillusioned Lost-Lamb

    Even if there is an apology the doubt of their love never goes away.

    My mom always said that, when the time came to decide if they wanted kids or not, my Dad and her still weren't sure and figured it was now or never; they had two, my older sister and I. Even though she never said we weren't wanted I've always wondered, "are you sure now?"

    I can only imagine what you are going through, am so sorry and am sending a big hug.

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    again.... Family the 6 letter F word

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    again.... Family the 6 letter F word

Share with others