Need some good parenting advice...

by diana netherton 29 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  mind blown

  hi DN........Shirly, Gayle and TAI are correct. That may have even embarrassed him You need to apologize to your son as well.

  I have a feeling your son is afraid of a new path as well as big responsibility. But ask him what his real fears are, let him open up and tell you, he may be using his boss as an excuse, then again maybe not. After he tells you explain how this would be a great oppertunity and you'll be there to support him no matter what happens. Even if he loses this job, he can always get another. But if he's still scared or doesn't even want this path you need to let him choose. If he doesn't end up going, you can encourage him to go to some sort of tech school or do something he's always wanted. If you have been babying him all this time, it's not his fault he's scared for worried, but at the same time any grown adult is worried and scared when going to a new job as well as new location.
• 

  exwhyzee

  I know how tempting it is to smooth the way for our kids but my first thought is "why did you book the ticket rather than let him do it and why are you calling his boss". I do know the answer to those questions. I have two sons and their Mom used to do this. She'd balance their checkbooks, remind themof appointments etc. I told her that she needs to not deprive them of the life lessons they can learn by making mistakes or having things go awry and then learn how figure out how to make things work for themselves. Sometimes necessity is a motivator. If they are too fat and happy , so to speak, they won't feel any urge to get on the ball, move forward and progress.

  This is easier said than done....very difficult to sit back and hope they work things out. It's best to offer advice and hope for the best rather than get in ther and manipulate.
• 

  Razziel

  Does he still live at home? Are you or other family members helping him out financially? I wouldn't be advocating kicking him out, I just know that no matter how much potential a person has, it can be hard to be focused, motivated, and ambitious if you have a free place to live and an easy source of financial help if you need it.
• 

  diana netherton

  All of you have said very truthful, eye-opening things. In hindsight, I should have

  done things differently. I guess, in hindsight, I was trying to make up for the fact

  that I left his father in the UK when he was eight and brought him back to the states

  with me. Granted, he has had every summer, all summer except this last one because

  of his job, and every Christmas in the UK. Or maybe it was just easier for me to do

  things for him and now it's biting me in the arse. Is there any recourse for this?

  Yes, he lives at home and he pays for his car and insurance but he surely couldn't

  survive on his own paycheck. He doesn't want to go to even tech school...it's hard

  for me to fathom since I've always been so motivated and gone for what I wanted.

  Maybe I've just eclipsed him. I am feeling like a terrible mother now.
• 

  flipper

  DIANA- I realize you have big plans for your son, but you need to realize at almost 20 yrs.old he's legally an adult and needs to have the privilege of making his own decisions. YOU may feel it's a great opportunity for him, but there are no guarantees in this world. Perhaps your son doesn't want to risk it on flying to Texas , then perhaps the job wouldn't last as long as he thinks. Fear of the unkown is always there- especially for a 20 yr.old.

  I raised 3 children who are now 27, 25, and 24 later this year. I have found that the less I intrude on making their decisions for them, they tend to mature better when they find out ON their OWN what profession they desire. My son has helped me on occasional jobs as well- but it's not his main source of income , just a supplement. In my opinion you need to allow your son to make his own decisions . Otherwise he may resent your intrusions, especially about calling his employer . It's called respecting boundaries. Something we need to do as our children become adults. I wish your son the best ! Just let HIM decide
• 

  Razziel

  You aren't a bad mom. But I think it changes the game that he still lives at home and changes some of the advice given. Even if he doesn't show it, you are probably still the most important person in the world to him, and you still have a lot of influence over him. Once he moves out, yeah you need to back off and let him make his own decisions, but until he does I say use your influence to motivate him in the right direction. Otherwise 20 will become 30 before you know it, and he'll still be at home with you.
• 

  Bella15

  "I called his boss yesterday to give him a head's up and explained to him the opportunity and that he's going"

  Big ... NO NO from a Human Resources/Personnel point of view ...

  He is a young adult already Diana, and I am sure you want only the very best for him ... my son is 13 by the way ...

  I live in Texas ... it sounds likea great opportunity for your son to explore the world and grow a lot, but it has to be something he really wants to do, as a parent you have the right to push him a little but not to the extend of calling his employer ...LOL! ... he seems to be a well manered boy and didn't not backlash at you for doing that ... I am not criticizing you okay, it is funny what we moms would do sometimes ...
• 

  Think About It

  I am feeling like a terrible mother now.

  No need to feel like that. Sounds like you've done a great job so far. Many things to be proud of with him. Just need to start letting him be more of his own man now. I really do hope you are able to convince him to go to Texas for that job opportunity. Good luck momma. What part of Texas is it and where would you be located?

  Think About It
• 

  Chariklo

  Diana,

  I too can speak from the experience of having 3 grown sons, and I'm going to say basically what others have said. And really, it goes for daughters too.

  Once they're nearing 20, (and often much younger) in most cases to tell them what a great opportunity this is AND to go ahead and book it all up and ring his boss is likely to be the biggest turn off you could imagine. Even before I read what the others said I was thining, this young man does know what he wants...he wants to stay where he is and do his own thing...or at least, he doesn't want you or anyone to tell him what to do any more.

  Have you asked him what he wants to do? I think, if it was me, I'd sit down and say you feel you've been a biut interfering. I'd apologise, but explain that it was such an opportunity and that you got all excited for him and just couldn't stop yourself going ahead and booking the ticket as a surprise for him. And then I'd ask how he feels about it.

  What did the boss actually say to you? I mean, did he cave in and say ok, or was he a bit worried about how he was going to manage? I've had sons who've done their own thing. One walked out of higher education at about that age. For some time he did what seemed like very ordinary jobs, but then through sheer hard work he got noticed and before we knew it he had a very interesting job indeed. He's done incredibly well for himself.

  Boys are often very late starters, or late developers. They may be a long way into their twenties, even approaching 30, before they see clearly what they want to do. The very worst thing you can do is push. The best thing you can do is support, and always be there and willing to listen. Don't offer advice until its clear that it's wanted.

  Believe me, that approach can be hard at first, but it is well worth it when they ring you up and just want to talk to Mum and get your input about something tricky, as my oldest son did this evening.
• 

  Broken Promises

  The best thing you can do is encourage him to move out of home. Of course he's not motivated to earn big money - he doesn't need to!!

  If Mummy is looking after him, even buying tickets for him and asking his boss for time off... you're doing too much for him. He's got it easy. Why does he need to exert himself?

  I was living on my own at his age. Money was short and I was young... but you learn valuable lessons that stay with you for life.

  And isn't that the goal for every parent - to raise a confident, able person who has a successful adulthood? So why are you still babying him? Perhaps you need to look at your own issues before you worry about his.