Wow, so far 4 out of 4 "worldly" people I've talked to about my situation, actually care. I mean Ive been telling myself that most people would care. But I can just tell, by the way I feel shocked and surprised at their genuine interest to listen and help, that subconsciously, I still feel like no worldly person cares. And now here I am, writing out my thoughts, putting myself at the whim of "worldly" people, no, putting myself at the whim of "apostates", even confiding in them. That is, confiding in you. Hmm, but i guess thats what i am now too, strange to think about. So here I am, introducing myself, with a joy and freeness of speech I have dreamed of for years. I have left after 23 years, and look forward to the rest of my life. But first, let me just give a brief introduction of who I am and where I'm at.
I, am a born-in. Although I would obviously wish for a bit of a different upbringing, I really can't complain, it was pretty great. I have great parents and great friends, well, had, or... well I still consider them my friends although they will not talk to me ever. I guess it's kind of subjective, but anyways. The first thing I can remember questioning with actual doubts, would have to be the Flood story. At around 9 years old, the logic seemed a bit flawed but I still went with it, obviously, everyone was telling me it was true. I can honestly say, though, that I stopped believing in the flood story at about 12 and haven't believed it since. But it's amazing what ignorance can do, so those thoughts got squashed, repressed and glazed over so that I came to the decision to get baptized at 15. Wow, what praise I got, you know what I'm talking about, everyone is so happy for you, "Good for you! You just made Jehovah, Jesus and the angels so happy. And Satan very angry. Remember this date, it's the most important date of your life!" Oops, I forgot it. I have an idea but can't remember exactly, o well. So anyways, I started pioneering, did it for 2 years, and had one call after about 2 years, that crushed my already feeble faith, and with that, I stepped down as a pioneer after a month or two of hard research. The research was to strengthen my faith, not weaken it. But it deffinatly weakened it. At 18, I faced a dilemma, leave or believe. I chickened out, and stayed, reading and studying with fear, ONLY things that would strengthen my faith, and it worked, well, kind of. Damn I worked hard, studying, reading, praying, striving for privileges within the cong. I aux pioneered for 7 months just to get back up to frame of mind and spiritual strength to pioneer. So finally, thankya Jesus, I was re-appointed as a reg pioneer. "You must be so happy!" people exclaimed. Surprisingly, I wasn't, not even the slightest. You see, all these doubts, and guilt derived from questioning things, managed to cultivate a nice little dose of depression and social anxiety. I had been feeling like s#@t for a couple of years and wanted help. Everyone i confided in told me not to go to a psychiatrist or therapist. Instead, if it was really bad, they said I should go to a doctor and ask for meds. Well, it was bad, and I went to a doctor, who told me to go to a therapist before I start taking meds. Well, what the hell? Who's advise do I take? Well being the rebellious guy I am, I went to a therapist. I know, quite the bad ass if I do say so myself. I didn't tell my therapist a thing about my real problems. That inner Watchtower firewall of mine was working hard, I didn't dare tell her about my all of my doubts and the tough situation I had been put in. O, did I mention that by this time I stepped down from being a reg pioneer again because of more strongly rooted doubts I was having? Well this time I knew the truth about "the Truth". To make a really long story short, because I'm lagging and ranting, I decided to move away to think freely without being forced to think a certain way. I worked like crazy, saved up money and moved to Guatemala, for now. If this sounds familiar, it's because I already made one post and decided to change my user name. Now I'm here, learning Spanish, living with a Mayan family who only speak Spanish and a Mayan language, meeting and hanging out with "worldly" people (little by little) and feeling the happiest sadness I've ever felt. I've sent in my letter to leave the WTS weeks ago and now I'm looking forward to the future with optimism. This site has helped me wonders and will continue to help me in the future, because it has been an aid to me, thanks to the members. I hope to return the favor as soon as possible with my own advise and support to others. Thanks for reading, despite the length.