Don't forget the part where we're only human & make mistakes but at the same time can make life or death decisions for you because we're Jah's only true channel of communication. We're not sure who's responsible when we screw up, so don't ask...... or we'll kick your ass out.
We Believe...A Short primer on Witness Doctrine
by stuckinamovement 34 Replies latest jw friends
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sir82
Oh you left out these parts:
-- Anyone willingly accepting a blood "component" is immediately condemned to Jehovah's eternal wrath and is putting himself in line for violent annihilation just as soon as Armageddon comes. However, willingly accepting a blood "fraction" is 100% perfectly fine. If you are unclear on the difference between a "component" and a "fraction", well, keep warm and well fed!
-- Every person who attends or attended a university is selfish, overambitious, materialistic, narcissistic, atheistic, and vain. Except for the lawyers, doctors, engineers, and programmers who work for us - they're cool. If any Jehovah's Witness works to attain a bachelor's degree or higher, the spirituality of him / her and all of his immediate family is to be viewed with the utmost suspicion. Until he graduates, anyway, if he happens to have a degree that we need here at Bethel. Then he / she's back to being rocking cool again.
-- Every (yes every) instance where a male and a female are alone together without another human present presents an extremely, dangerously high probablility (virtually 100%) that they will engage in fornication. Doesn't matter if the male is a 14 year old quadruple amputee and the female is blind and deaf 97 year old hunchback - leave them alone in the same apartment for 15 or more minutes and fornication will take place as surely as the sun will rise in the east tomorrow.
You're welcome.
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stuckinamovement
Great additions Sir82
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mrquik
Oh & when we do screw up, expect a warm, heartfelt, public apology to show the depth of our love for the R&F. (I mean should we ever screw up to the point of people losing their lives over decisions we later changed but as we're guided by Holy Spirit, it isn't really our fault & if you have the balls to contradict us we'll kick your ass out...... again.)
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00DAD
Beards indicate that you are a rebellious arrogant person.
Unless you live in Europe, then for some unexplainable reason it's ok!?!
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jay88
This bear repeating!
Yes, that stood out for me too; I've clarified it; Christendom’s Churches are actually evil when they provide hospitals, schools and relief missions to humanity. It is better to give a starving Ethiopian mother a Watchtower magazine, rather than food, shelter, medicine and an education.
However, if the starving mother becomes one of Jehovah's Witnesses then we will consent to feed, clothe and care for her although, actually, it won't be us...
It will be another poor, starving mother in the local congregation that will have to share whatever she's got.
Absolutely Nuts!!! and correct.
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tornapart
I always wondered how kangaroos got to Australia.. now I know... thanks SIAM! :)
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stuckinamovement
Here is one I missed.
We believe that the most effective method of communicating our "lifesaving" message is to call at empty homes on a cold Saturday morning. Our message is simple, you need to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses to gain salvation. When you begrudgingly answer the door we will tell you in as polite of terms possible that you are inherently wicked and justly deserving of death, and that all of your cherished beliefs are false, this is truly good news isn't it? The longer you talk to us the better it looks on our time slip at the end of the month. Can we come in?
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stuckinamovement
Btt for nananana and djegghead. Fellas, or ladies whoever you are. Take a step back from your position and realize this is the stuff you believe
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DesirousOfChange
All divine communication to humankind today comes through a committee of 7 elderly men in Brooklyn New York.
WHOA!!!!!!!!!!
The Governing Body USED TO BE ELDERLY MEN. GB 2.0 has some youngsters on it!
Most of the OLD MEN who were not going to pass away before this System of Things have . . . . . uhhhhh . . . . . . PASSED AWAY.
[Obviously SIAM, you are just a kid. Wish my eyes had opened at your age.]
Doc