Hey Joel,you`ve done alot to improve yourself in life.Try to concentrate on the good you`ve done.Remember when we were talking about you joining martial arts.Physical activity and dicipline will do wonders for your self esteem.Do you think there are no gay people in martial arts?Think again,there are.Check a few places out,watch them train,talk to the instructors.Then choose the place you think you would enjoy the most.Joel you have to do something to turn this around.A good hobby like martial arts might do it for you...OUTLAW
Self Esteem
by larc 86 Replies latest jw friends
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jukief
I can certainly sympathize with you, Joelbear. My upbringing did a lot to influence my low self esteem, and I didn't have to struggle with sexual orientation like you did. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a gay JW!!
In my case, both of my parents have extremely low self esteem. My dad is a very bright man; he dropped out of high school, then later went back to get his GED (when I was a child, he was working in the building where the GED test was being given; he stopped to ask about it and they invited him in; he took the test and got one of the highest scores in the state--no studying at all and at the age of about 35!). He's very well read and can converse on almost any topic. But he feels terribly inadequate around people who are educated. My parents have several "worldly" friends who are retired physicians, and my dad feels so inferior around them that he can't let his hair down and enjoy their friendship, so he keeps them at arm's length. One of these retired doctor's wives told my mom that *her husband* felt inferior around my *dad* because my dad can do almost anything--build a house (including electrical and plumbing), rebuild engines (he rebuilt an old airplane and several vehicles from the ground up), etc. And this retired doctor can't do any of those things; now that he's retired he doesn't feel like he's good for anything. Isn't life funny?
My mom's parents died when she was a child and she was raised by uncaring, sometimes abusive, siblings. She was absolutely gorgeous; very pretty with a fabulous figure, but she always felt she was very unattractive, even though she had a million boys chasing after her.
So what chance did my self esteem have with parents like this? Very little. Add to that the fact that I was a female growing up in the JW religion, where women have little to no worth, and it's easy to understand why someone like me would suffer from self esteem problems. I married the first boy who asked me (at age 17) because I thought that would be my only chance to get married (I also thought I was unattractive and no one would ever like me). It wasn't until about 11 years into that disastrous marriage, when I started working in a glass shop with 25 men, that I discovered I really *was* attractive and didn't have to settle for the creep I married.
I still struggle with my self esteem (so does my little sister; we try to help each other). But some of the things that have helped me are:
Therapy--I found a great therapist who has now worked with a lot of ex-JWs.
College--When I went to college I was a housewife and recently divorced mother of two. I had no skills and hadn't been in school for 13 years. The fact that I was able to get through college successfully and support those two boys by myself (and later a deadbeat second husband as well) gave me a lot more confidence.
Accomplishments--I've had a terrific career since I graduated. I've held jobs where I oversaw staff and managed budgets of half a million dollars a year. With each new job and new skill I learn, my confidence grows a bit.
My children--My two boys have grown up to be pretty terrific men. They've made mistakes and they aren't perfect, but I'm proud of how hardworking, sensitive and loving they are. That's my greatest accomplishment. Neither of them has ever said a harsh word to me, and they both tell me they love me all the time and give me lots of hugs and kisses. Not too many 20-something men do that!
I have a long way to go; I still put myself down something fierce. But I realize that this issue was pretty much inbred in me and I'll have to fight it all my life. But I can look at my parents and see that I've made some progress. Still, it's a never-ending journey.
Joelbear, so many people here love you and admire you, including me, even though I don't know you other than reading your posts and looking at your web site. It's hard to convince a person of his worth, though, if he doesn't believe it himself. I hope that you can start to make progress with your feelings. Take it one day at a time, and try really hard to turn to your friends for support. They love you and want to help you.
Julie
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larc
Joel,
I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, and life has been such a struggle for you. You know that a great many here are concerned about you and we wish we could help. When you feel so down, this knowledge probably kind of slips away from conscieousness. I hope that you will remember us each day, and write to us when you are at your worst.
I hope you will continue to try. Perhaps, you could find a gay support group where you could share your thoughts. Are there gay therapists that could help you? It seems to me, if you could find someone who has been there, it might help.
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joelbear
Hi all,
The homosexual aspect is really a background issue now.
My parents also both have very low self esteem as does my brother and his children. The difference in my case is that while they all have each other as a support network, I am on my own.
I've done about 5 years of therapy. There's nothing left for me to say to them or them to say to me.
I do value my friends but feel that I really have just become a burden to them because I'm so needy and I never am able to improve my mental attitude.
I feel very abandoned in life. From the age of 15 to 23 I poured myself into pioneering and Bethel and felt very abandoned by the congregation when I had problems with depression after being dismissed from Bethel. I felt like I had given them all I had to give and really got nothing in return.
Then I worked at Barnett Banks for 8 years and gave them all I had to give. Then they laid me off in 1990.
Now I have worked and helped build the company I work for now and helped it be successful enough to be sold to a fortune 500 company and now they have eliminated my job.
I'm just very very tired of getting attached to things and having them ripped away from me.
I've lived through this for 44 years. I don't enjoy life. I don't see any point in living just to be alive.
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flower
Joel,
i know how you are feeling, been there myself and spend most of my childhood and adult life feeling the same way you do now. i truly believed that some people just werent meant to be and i was one of them. i was convinced that i was actually supposed to be a miscarraige and somehow i survived and was born by mistake. i often looked at suicide as a viable option. in fact the only reason i'm here is because i was to young and dumb to know that certain meds wont kill you no matter how much you take.
like you, completely taken care of physically growing up. food, shelter and a warm bed. but emotionally and mentally i was completely neglected and alone. i had such a big family that it was not unusual for me to go days on end without speaking to anyone and it go unnoticed. i never had a hug or heard anything that could even remotely be associated with love. i never had girl talks with my mother or sisters. my father never spoke to me unless it was discipline.
i cant really tell you that things miraculously changed for me because they didnt. the only thing that happened was that i had a child. before that i didnt even know anything about love except what i saw on television. i had never been around love never seen it or experienced it first hand. but when i had my son i started to love him so much and it was very strange. for the first time i felt like suicide was no longer an option because i could never leave that beautiful child alone in this world especially since his only family would be the horrible people who raised me. i was very confused and depressed though. for a while i did consider murder/suicide as the only alternative. i couldnt leave him but i couldnt stand living so i had to take him with me. i could never have gone through with it and fortunately that state of mind didnt last long. i tried to go back to the org thinking that i could at least save my childs life at armageddon even though i didnt care about my own life.anyway, you arent alone..i have felt that way so long that i know you better than i know anyone. i have felt the self hatred and still do. i cannot ever accept it if someone wants to be my friend. i feel good at first and then i tell myself a hundred reasons why they shouldnt care about me and a hundred more reasons why they will eventually stop caring and forget i exist just like everyone else that has ever known me. no one can stand to be around people like us.
But most of the time I feel ok now...have even had days where i feel good. but it always seems to come back. i've prayed about it too but i dont have any miracles to report. but i do have hope (usually). i think i will get better and be happy and healthy one day. i think you will too if you dont give up. its just going to happen, i dont know how. i'm starting therapy again soon. i think perhaps the other therapists couldnt help because i failed to mention that i was born and raised into a mind controlling cult. that might have helped ya think?
hang in there joel..and talk to me if you want.
flower
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OUTLAW
Hey Joel,I read your last post.Having things you have worked hard for taken away sucks,and it happens to everyone.You have to start developing things no one can take from you.Consider the skills you have and maybe start a business of your own.No one can take that from you.Take the martial arts course we talked about and learn the skills involved in that art.No one can take that from you.I`ve had many things I`ve dearly loved ripped away from me.NO MORE!!Your not alone in your feelings.You just have to develope a strategy where what you`ve worked for is yours.Now chin up and start fighting back...OUTLAW
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larc
Joel,
Friends do not consider helping their friends as a burden. They consider it a privelege to be able to help. It makes a person feel good when they can say or do something that helps another. Hopefully, you can build upon a close circle of friends that can be a new family for you.
As I look back over my life, I can remember many people and jobs that came and went. It seems that after one lose, things would eventually reconnect again for me. Their were struggles, tough times and periods of great stress and worry, but they were temporary, though they seemed endless at the time.
Just some thoughts from an old fart, that is trying to help.