I'm not a JW but married to one. One of the things I read constantly about JW's trying to leave the Org. is this process of fading??? Please forgive me cuz I've never been a JW but, how is this done? I would assume that some one who is "fading" is decreasing meeting attendence and other JW activities for the purpose of slipping away without being noticed by the Elders. Again, I presume this is so that a fader can maintain a relationship with JW family members. How is this possible??? I mean, wouldn't JW family members know that a fader is not going to meetings anymore and would want to know why? I guess this can continue for a while but wouldn't JW's eventually know what a fader is trying to do and eventually call them on it. Again, I'm sorry if my ignorance is obvious to you guys but this really confuses me. Can you guys tell me more about how fading is successfully accomplished and what would an ideal fade look like. Thanks for your responses in advance...
Fading??? Please explain how this is done?
by marriedtoajw 11 Replies latest jw friends
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nugget
Fading is an exit strategy to leave the organisation and maintain contact with JW friends and family. If you write a letter stating you no longer wish to be a witness or if you are disfellowshiped then other witnesses will be told to treat you as if you are dead.
Fading is as you describe however you still must maintain certain JW practices such as not celebrating holidays etc. If you decide that you do want to put your JW life behind you and do wish to participate in holidays then this needs to be done discreetly since if you are caught it will mean a judicial committee and risk of disfellowshipping. The best fading strategy is to move to another area completely and start again although this is a radical solution and not an option for most people.
Yes if family are close by they will get to notice that you are not attending but many will only shun if you are formally disfellowshipped. However this varies and recently a lot of faders are being shunned.
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fade_away
Fading works for some but not for everyone. Fading is a process that can take a very long time...sometimes several years. People that fade are viewed as people who are going through some hardship or obstacle (you can use work as an excuse). It could make some people sympathetic to your situation and see you as someone who is in what the J Dubs call "spiritual limbo" and is confused or overloaded with worries or problems. You can also claim depression is the culprit of your failing to attend metings. They may still look down on you but they are not instructed to actually SHUN you, which is why some JWs prefer to leave this way.
The elders will notice you're not going to the meetings and so will your friends and family and they will ask. You might also get what's called a pastoral visit which is when the elders come to your house and try to uplift you spiritually or offer their assistance in possibly getting to the meetings. As long as you have some excuse that doesn't involve your doubts of the religion, you will usually be ok. They just keep giving you advice and keep reading from the Bible and tell you to "pray harder and go out on service more often"....basically, "you're not doing enough so do more".
A sucessful fader usually moves away from the area, claims to be going to a different congregation or to one in another language and that way when the elders don't see you at the kingdom hall you have an exuse. another successful fader is one who claims they are overloaded with debt and must work nights (that coincide with the meetings) so there is no way to attend. Those are the faders that get the most sympathy. eventually the elders stop pestering you about attending the meetings and about field service. The trick is, also, you have to fade gradually. if you just up and leave with no warning, there could be trouble.
For me and my wife, it's difficult sometimes because our parents are careful about tiptoeing around the subject but it's quite often this big elephant in the room. for it to no longer be uncomfortable takes years. If his family is a bunch of Uber-Dubs as we call them, really pious and devout, they might shun him anyway, even if he has not been convicted of any sin and disfellowshipped because in their eyes, he can do more to still participate in field service and meetins but choses not to. So in all its like walking on eggshells but if your husbands current relationships matter to him, its the best way to go.
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3rdgen
KEEP ALL DOUBTS TO YOURSELF can not be overemphasized. If anyone (even a close relative) thinks you don't believe EVERYTHING you're done.
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LadyLainey
I actually pulled off a pretty decent fade, although people figured it out when I didn't show up at assemblies and conventions. For a while I just told people I had switched Kingdom Halls. I actually have never been disfellowshipped that I am aware of. The elders simply gave up on me.
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finallysomepride
The elders simply gave up on me.
The elders, at any of the congregations I was in, never could have bothered with me, so my fade was easy
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N.drew
Dear Lady, will you join the clueless club with me? Technically I should be disfellowshipped. But I haven't got the notice yet.
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LadyLainey
What is the Clueless Club?
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flipper
MARRIEDTOAJW- Good points brought out to you already. Most successful fades are done gradually I believe ( from what I've seen on the board here ) - and some have used the " I'm just depressed " reason if JW relatives press them for REASONS on why they have stopped attending. If a fader is TOO honest in telling JW relatives WHY they aren't attending meetings- then a devout JW relative may rat the fader out to elders - then the elders call on the person and harass them to come back to meetings or meet in a judicial committee meeting with them if they verbally disagree with JW doctrine or teachings.
That's why many here who fade keep their reasons private from JW family - as you can't always trust your JW relatives as they WILL try to speak to elders about you the fader. JW's are trained to show more allegiance to the WT society than family. That is one of the big dillemmas. So if your hubby fades quietly, gradually - it may go O.K. with him if his family are NOT strong Witnesses or fanatic. BUT - If his JW family IS fanatic, it may prove to be rough going. Just painting the reality of what may happen here for you. Hang in there. We are here for you