I got this forward a couple of days ago:
For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN:
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
6. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
7. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
8. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it'
already too late.
9. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
10. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
11. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.
12. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.
13. Super glue is forever.
14. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
15. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
16. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercial
show they do.
17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.'
18. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.
21. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
23. It will however make cats dizzy.
24. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
25. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful. First grade....True
story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story
where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials
for his home. She read, "....And so the pig went up to the man
with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand! and said, "I think he said "Holy Sh**'! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.