It seems i pooped up out of nowhere. I been following this site for a while. Couldn't resist it anymore....
Was pretty much raised a JW. I loved it!
Baptized over 10 years ago. One of the happiest days of my life!
Started pioneering a few years later. Loved pioneer school and the experiences of being a full time minister!
Shortly thereafter, appointed as a MS. I really enjoyed being trained and used.
Not to long after that, got accepted to bethel. Served there for three years until last year. I really cherish the memories and experiences.
I wanted to stay, but was told to go where Jah needed me, and right then, it was out in the field. All the bethelites were very encouraging, telling me "Jah is training me", and "Let Jehovah use me anyway he needs to". I accepted that. I missed it there...
Very soon after i left, I started thinking (uh-oh, not thinking!), how was this Jehovah's decision? Did the personnel committee put my information on the floor and pray over it? Was Urim and Thummim involved? Of course, answers are no and no. The decision was made by men. And then i thought, if the HS is directing these men, why are applications needed in the first place. Its decided solely on their catering to their own whim and authority.
But people kept saying still "Let Jah use you. Let Him tell you where to go. He knows best". But I knew the process. And I was sure Jehovah was not involved. It was men. Men sitting at desks deciding fate of many, based on apps, not HS. Then I started thinking some more, and more, and now i'm here on JWN.
I did believe that no matter what assigment Jehovah's org gave, Jah CAN and WILL bless it, but I just couldn't reconcile a decision making process by men with somehow Jehovah having a say in the result.
I do believe in God still, but I do not feel he is using this business entity (Watchtower). I expressed concerns, but was told to wait on Jehovah. But me, thinking again, wondered, if someone had the same questions in my mind 50 years ago and been waiting, they'd be old or dead right now waiting for nothing. I can't do it. I realize they (GB) are a bunch of men guilty of guesswork and exegesis. And bad at it. And I couldn't deal. And this was before doing any research online!
My point? I've never been df'd unfairly. Even from an early age, I observed many unsavory things, but not done to me. I have no excessively bad experiences like most here on JWN do. I have no resentment or bitterness that is deserved of those who had everything snatched from them from fakes. I have not had a peachy JW life by any means.
But I grew tired. Tired of not doing enough. Tired of being lied to. Tired of having my life and watching the lives of others thrown around with the literal movement of a pen and saying "It's Jehovah's will". Tired of countless nonsense, seeing it and told to wait, ignore, or just believe. I can't even begin to tell the stuff I have seen and heard. Its pitiful. (Then I read jwfacts) And i realized im more tired than i thought I was. Im still in so that I can help others see what this org really is. But I am done. But I do need help, and thats where JWN come in...