How many of us check the obits for JW relatives' names?

by Scully 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • Scully

    I have JW relatives who are getting on in years. The relationship is very strained - very little communication, and frankly I'm getting exasperated being the only one making any effort to maintain it.

    Several years ago, when a non-JW relative passed away, it took several days before the custodian of the information (a JW) decided to send me an email to inform me - you read that correctly - I was informed, not over the phone, but via email. A couple of years go by, and in the meantime, a JW sibling has a baby, and again I learn that I was left uninformed about the pregnancy and the birth until well after the fact. When I found out about the baby, I had a major coniption fit - I blasted my sibling and the relative who was the custodian of the information and called them both out for being unloving hypocrites. I said "You claim that Witnesses are more loving than any other religions on the planet - well I have news for you! What you've done in withholding that information is not loving at all - it's deliberately hurtful, it's deliberately mean, it's deliberately hateful, it's deliberately rude and deliberately ignorant. I don't know any Catholic, or Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu or even any pagan who would treat family members the way you treat me! How do you expect me to ever want to go back to meetings, if this is your definition of love?" [Score 1 for righteous indignation!]

    They both apologized. But, it didn't really change things, because about a year later a never-baptized sibling got married - and while we were invited to the wedding and the reception, both of these JW relatives decided that they didn't want Mr Scully and me to attend the gift-opening party the next day, that was hosted by the sibling's new spouse's family (who were never JWs), and they made sure that we didn't even know about the party until after the fact. I heard about it from another never-JW relative who wrote to tell me how disappointed they were to hear that we "weren't able to make it" apparently because of my work schedule. So the JW relatives made up a lie to tell the non-JW relatives, to cover up the lie-by-omission that was perpetrated on Mr Scully and me. What fine examples of Christian love these jackoffs are!!

    Anyway, now that I've got all that out of my system, and having read noni1974's thread about not being informed of her grandfather's death, I will admit that on occasion (maybe once every couple of months) I Google the obituaries to see if any of my relatives have died that I haven't been told about yet. So far, I haven't found anything, but I kind of dread that one day I might and it will unleash a lot of harsh words of righteous indignation from me.

    Please tell me that I'm not the only one who does this!! lol

  • ohiocowboy

    Unfortunately, for many of us it is the only way to find out if someone has died. I am sorry you have had to find out about deaths through the internet. I remember how excited I was to get my first computer back in 2000, and one of the first things I did was a search on my family name, as it is an unusual one. I remember the feeling of blood rushing out of my head as my Father's Obit was one of the first things to come up. My feeling of excitement over having my first computer went away rather quickly right then and there. He had been dead for 3 years, and no one even bothered to let me know, as they refused to speak to me. It was so surreal, I can't even describe the feeling.

    I had to find out on the internet about my Grandfather dying too. He had already been dead for a year. I called my Mother, and she finally picked up the phone, and I asked her why she didn't tell me. She responded by saying that it is how I will find out about her dying too.

    It is absolutely one of the cruelest things to not even let someone know when there is a death in the family, especially if it is a Parent or Child.

    My heart goes out to those who have been through the same thing.

    It is horrible how the Watchtower is so cruel that the only way some of us can find out about our loved ones is by searching the Social Security death records or other online sources. Karmic payback won't come quick enough for them.

  • Incognito

    In addition to Google, I often use sites such as this one which searches the Obit announcments of the larger newspapers within the US & Canada. Many smaller papers are not listed.

    You can narrow the locations checked by State or Province and if you insert "Kingdom Hall" or "Jehovah" in the Keyword field, all obit text will be searched for those words. Include the quote marks in the keyword search to search for multiple words together.

    Often announcements will state that a Memorial Service is to be held at the 'Kingdom Hall' without mentioning 'of Jehovah's Witnesses' or if the service is held elsewhere, it may state that the person was 'a loyal servant of Jehovah' or something similar, so you may need to search both keywords seperately.

    Unfortunately, the site only displays obit announcments for up to one year otherwise, there is usually a fee for fully viewing older archived announcements.

  • smiddy

    Does anybody know of a similar link to find such information in Australia ?


  • blondie

    I know an inactive jw that was not invited to her future SIL wedding shower, and she knew nothing about it. A week later her jw mother called reaming her for refusing to attend. You can imagine how this inactive jw was confused. Here it seems the jw family that organized it had told the mother the inactive jw had refused to attend.......... When the mother confronted the organizers, they changed the story to "we didn't think she would want to come so we didn't ask her."

  • jamiebowers

    I've Googled the obits for my step-father, because I'm not sure if my jw mom will tell her "worldly" sister when he dies. However, I'm certain my "worldly" aunt would be contacted by her other sibings and then would call me if my mom died. A few months back she called to let me know that my mom was in the hospital. Upon contacting my jw mom, she refused to tell me her diagnosis and said I would have to "hear it through the grapevine".

    But I guess it really doesn't matter, because my mom has been a stranger to me for almost 23 years. All because I had to free myself from a jw husband who was physically abusing and threatening to kill me. It boggles the mind, doesn't it?

  • FlyingHighNow

    Wow. I haven't done this, but you've given me a good idea. And you're right, they exclude us out of deliberate cruelty, not out of love.

    When my beloved nephewDavid died last Septemeber, my sister commanded his brother not to tell me. But Chris did tell me. I am happy to say that Chris and his wife Beverly have now D.A.'d themselves. We will all have to rely on the obituaries to find out about any JW deaths.

  • blondie

    Check also with the Social Security Death Index. It will still be a time delay.

    RUTHERFORD, MALCOLM C10 Nov 189222 Jun 19899691006 (Arcadia, Los Angeles, CA)(none specified)California551-68-0432

    RUTHERFORD, MALCOLM C10 Nov 189222 Jun 19899691006 (Arcadia, Los Angeles, CA)(none specified)California551-68-0432
    RUTHERFORD, MALCOLM C10 Nov 189222 Jun 19899691006 (Arcadia, Los Angeles, CA)(none specified)California551-68-0432
    RUTHERFORD, MALCOLM C10 Nov 189222 Jun 19899691006 (Arcadia, Los Angeles, CA)(none specified)California551-68-0432
  • noni1974

    Generally, I don't google people to find out if they are dead. I googled my grandfather because he popped into my head while I was cooking dinner and I found his obituary. His wife has no excuse except being a mean evil bitch to not tell my family about his death. My sister lives in the same city as she does and they have seen each other at assemblies and my sister told me she knows where she lives because she has been to dinner at her house before. My sisters phone number has not changed. My sister was a pioneer and my BIL is an elder. She was a JW. There is no excuse that she could give that will make this better.

    My family keep me informed about major illness and death. I've been at my Uncle and other Grandfathers deaths since I left the JW's. I was called and told to go to the hospital. My extended family may not speak to me everyday or even every year but they at least keep me informed about sickness and deaths and they still expect me to come to the hospital and say good by to my realitives.

  • ohiocowboy

    Incognito, Thank you so much for the legacy website!!! I was able to find several people I knew over the years that have died, and many of the Obits showed their pictures! I hate the fact that I am excited over an Obit website, but it allowed me a glimpse of those that I knew so long ago. Thank you again!

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