Reaching Out to my ExJW Cousin

by fallen_princess 8 Replies latest jw experiences

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  fallen_princess

  I am sure many of us have had experiences while we were active JWs where we were often discouraged from talking to worldy or disfellowshipped family members regardess of occasion or circumstance. I was always told not to communicate with one of my cousins who, along with her husband had faded back in the 90's and are now off celebrating Christmas, birthdays and such. She has been the victim of many a snub and all out unkindness from various family members, including me. I couldn't invite her to my wedding and I never called her or talked to her for years because I was afraid of catching flack from family members that are still "in".

  A few days ago, I figured I was faded out enough to contact her via Facebook. I told her I was sorry about not inviting her to my wedding and I informed her that I would be heading her way up to BC very soon and would like to meet up with her and her family. What surprised me was that there wasn't an ounce of bitterness to be found in her and she is extremely happy. Its just so striking that even her own sister (who we call Elder-ina) always made her out to be miserable, irresponsable, disorganized and every other pejorative in the book when she couldn't be more happy!

  I am still working up the nerve to contact my aunt, my ExJw cousin's mother, who has been disfellowshipped since the 70's for Idolatry and Apostasy and has recently been outed, in an ugly way I might add, by her JW daughter as bisexual. She for sure has the black mark upon her and I still have many of my JW friends and family on my Facebook page and I have been threatened by my uber-dub mom that she would sell me out and get me df'ed if I contacted her! It's just so terrible to think that the same woman she is treating so badly is her own full-blooded sister who she grew up with! It makes you wonder where is all that brotherly love that these drones keep talking about.
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  Free!!

  There is none... no love, no anything.... i was talking to one of my JW friends (who knows i am fading and tries to avoid the subject) today and she said her brother, who's df'd, is going to get married and she wishes she could go and meet the future wife.... i said "what is stopping you? he is your flesh and blood and is your only brother" she said "but what about my privelege (she is a pioneer) and well he knows how things work, but he is working to come back and i can give study to his wife"... i was like WTF is wrong w her... she is talking to ME i am out as well... but just because i am not officially df'd she is fine w it, but she cannot talk to her own flesh and blood?!!! that stupid cult destroys families!
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  sizemik

  It seems to be a refreshingly common characteristic among XJW's . . . the anger and bitterness we expect to see is simply not there. Most often they're simply pleased as punch to see we've also found our freedom. Says a lot about what we leave behind. I think connecting with your cousins Mum will be equally pleasant . . . and I doubt very much she would do anything that would bring you trouble.
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  Broken Promises

  I too missed out on knowing a cousin because she was much older and df'd before I was born. Back in the mid 70s the WTS softened up on contacting df'd people, and I remember meeting her. Fast forward a few years, and the WTS changed their mind (again) and when my aunt organised a family reunion, my father chose not to go because my df'd cousin would be there.

  My aunt died a few months later. According to the WTS rules, we could speak to my df'd cousin because it was a funeral not a social occasion.

  Since then, we've only contacted each other on a few occasions. But it's just not the same as being with other cousins I grew up with. She's a lovely lovely person, but she's practically a stranger, even though we share the same bloodline.

  And the WTS says they don't break up families?
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  cantleave

  JW's are the most judgemental, backstabbing, fear-mongering, slandering people on earth (OK not quite the most but very near the top). I have learned over the last few years that anything coming out the organisation, or zealous members of it, regarding ex-JW's is total crap.

  Go and rebuild relationships that you should have never lost, with real people who will befriend and love you unconditionally.
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  SafeAtHome

  Princess, I am so happy you are reconnecting with family. While my family has not out right shunned those of us who are no longer JW's, there is always that wall between "us" and "them". Not all, but some still in, want to believe that just because we have left "the truth" we should be miserable. My elder dad always kept believeing that even after 20 years away, I still needed just that little push and I would go running back. (WRONG) Anyway, the last couple of years I have gotten very close to a younger cousin, also a long time drifter, and we talk about everyone and everything we never did before. He has mentioned more than once how happy he is to have someone to talk to about the loss he feels over how this cult has separated our once close family. His wife, as well as my husband, were never Witnesses, so they really don't understand how this devisive religion makes us angry, frustrated, etc, but mostly happy that we are no longer a part of it, and oh, the feeling of such freeedom. Please, make the effort to contact your aunt before it is too late. None of us are getting any younger and down the road you don't want to regret at least not making the effort. Offer her the unconditional love that JW's are incapable of showing. Your mom doesn't have to know, don't broadcast it.
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  troubled mind

  Contact your Aunt and just keep it private . Your Mom doesn't need to know , but you will be happier with yourself that you reached out .
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  Diest

  Make a new facebook account for non dubs. Dont let the fear stop you from anything.
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  pbrow

  dont let fear stop you from anything, except for contacting non-dubs with your original facebook account...

  Fallen, dont you hate the fear that you feel about contacting your relatives? I hated that negative feeling, like I was trapped. I had to be careful of who I talked to and be careful of what I said. Im of the opinion that you should just get it out. Make your mother shun you. Speaking from my experience, my mother does not shun me. I was a 30 year born in. It must be difficult to deal with a mother that tells you that she will get you df'd for talking to a family member. You said its terrible to think how she is treating her own sister but she is treating her own child even worse! Personally I wouldnt know how to accept that. Do you think your mother wants you to do it? It almost seems like its a dare.

  You gotta do what you gotta do but I say contact her! Realizing the personal freedom you have is a liberating experience and it is completely worth anything you may lose by going against your mother/elders/organization. At the end of the day all we have is our personal freedom and if we dont excersise it then we only hurt ourselves.

  pbrow