For fans of typography/design...a Comic Sans monologue...

by unshackled 7 Replies latest social humour

  • unshackled

    (note there is some brazen language in if you're a nerdhole you may want to avoid)


    - - - -
    Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans, and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.

    You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

    People love me. Why? Because I’m fun. I’m the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business’ website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.

    When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I’m banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I’m shredding “Reign In Blood” on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

    It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.

    Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.

  • mummatron

    LMAO! Most primary and many secondary schools that I've worked in have insisted on using Comic Sans for labelling pupils' works on display and for lesson handouts because to quote my teaching mentor, "children and teenagers seem more receptive to it!" LOL

  • zoiks

    Man, cool fonts have it all. I'm like effing Simplex most days.

  • hemp lover
    hemp lover

    Comic Sans is the new Copperplate.

  • zoiks

    Woah. My mind just exploded.

  • unshackled

    Mummatron...we can blame the schools for starting Comic Sans on the road to font usage domination. It does appeal to the kids. But somewhere along the way offices, hospitals, churches, restaurants, pubs, police stations, universities and chemists started using it.

    hemp lover...ah yes, Copperplate. There was a time when I would use the 'ol Copperplate. That was back in the Quark Xpress 3.0 days.

    zoiks...Simplex is a good way to be. That could be a good pyscho analysis question, like Babara Walter's "what kind of tree..." question. What font are you? I'm probably Wingdings.

  • unshackled

    Innapropriate use of Comic Sans...

  • Rocky_Girl

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