DEITY WANTED-Job Application

by BoozeRunner 9 Replies latest social humour

  • BoozeRunner
    BoozeRunner

    DEITY WANTED-Job Appl.

    One experienced deity wanted.
    Location:Earth
    Duties to include, but not limited to:Performanc of miracles, end to human suffering, wars, etc.

    Please apply online using application below

    Name(s)
    DIN(Deity Identification Number)
    MOB(Millenium of Birth)
    Age(Infinite is a plus)

    Have you ever ruled here before?
    _Yes
    _No
    If yes, please explain-were you
    1._Fired
    2._Quit
    3._Humiliated by the ALMIGHTY
    4._Destroyed by the ALMIGHTY(please explain)
    5._I was a false God

    Please list previous subjects below:
    Planet-------Galaxy-------Reason for leaving
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.

    TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF
    (check all that apply)

    Section I- Gender?
    1._God
    2._Goddess
    3._Androgenous
    4._Triune
    5._False God(if checked, please look elsewhere, we have enough of those)

    Section II-Qualities
    1._Loving
    2._Kind
    3._Egocentric
    4._Just
    5._Bloodthirsty
    6._Warmongering
    7._All of the above
    8._None of the above(please explain)

    Section III-Associates
    Do you or have you ever associated with any of the following:
    A.Gods or Godesses
    1._Jehovah
    2._Satan
    3._Buddha
    4._Allah
    5._The Almighty Dollar
    6._JanH
    7._Xena
    8._PeaceLoveHarmony
    9._Budweiser

    B.Superior Beings
    1._The Q Continuum
    2._Bill Gates
    3._Simon
    4._Amazing
    5._The Borg

    C._Wannabees
    1._Teletubbies
    2._Osama bn Laden
    3._The GB
    4._Any BOE-anywhere
    5._DO's, CO's, PO's
    6._The Pope
    7._YOU KNOW
    8._The WTS Borg

    Section IV-Travel
    A. Do you travel:
    1._At the spped of light
    2._Faster than the speed of light
    3._At the speed of sound
    4._In an SUV

    B.Do you mind traveling to any of the following places for the purpose of reclaiming souls? (check all that apply)
    1._Hell
    2._Heaven
    3._Purgatory
    4._Kingdom Halls(5 hours travelling per week required)
    5._Bethel
    6._Watchtower Farms

    Section V-Worship
    A. Please explain how you prefer to be worshipped(check all that apply)
    1._Animal sacrifices
    2._Virgin sacrifices
    3._Sex
    4._Virgin sex
    5._Insects
    6._Partying
    7._Tithing
    8._No worship, just amuse me
    9._Prayer (if checked, please explain how)
    a._Standing
    b._Kneeling
    c._Direction _N, _S, _E, _W
    d._In the throes of passion, ie, "OHHHHH GODDDDDD, yesssssssssss"

    Section VI-Experiences
    Are you skilled in using your powers to:
    1._Heal the infirmed
    2._Grant everlasting life
    3._Save the world
    4._Impart wisdom and knowledge
    5._Keep magazine peddlers away
    6._Help people get laid(never mind, alcoholic beverages work just fine)

    Ty for you interest in this position. We will be contacting all qualified candidates in the next millenium. If you are chosen for an interview, please bring portfolio of miracles, etc, proof of residence in this universe, and be prepared for a physical test of your abilities.

    Please email this application to
    [email protected]

  • GinnyTosken
    GinnyTosken

    BoozeRunner,

    Your deity recruiting firm may want to check out the ads for used deities on the Detox site:

    http://www.catalaw.com/detox/used.shtml

    (More fun if you enter through the front door)
    http://www.catalaw.com/detox/

    Here are a few likely prospects:

    Name: Rebecca C. Collins
    Email: [email protected]
    Location: St. Petersburg, USA
    Date: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 at 19:20:11

    Used deity ad: FOR SALE: A God(s) of your choosing. Extremely expensive. Will cost you your humanity, your critical thinking skills, and $49.99 (each). !!! CAVEAT EMPTOR!!! When product arrives, the box may appear empty and/or the product may not perform to your expectations. However, seller assumes no liability. The defect is not with the product, but with the buyer (who is more than likely unworthy of the deity's favors). To attain the desired results, the buyer need only pray longer and believe harder. You may attempt a refund upon your demise, however, previous buyers must be satisfied as I have never had a refund request. Call NOW: 1-800-GET2-HEVN

    Name: David Wright
    Email: [email protected]
    Location: Albany, USA
    Date: Tuesday, December 4, 2001 at 20:41:05

    Used deity ad: One God free to good home. House broken and leash trained. Will sit, roll over and smite on command. Originally bought for kids but they out grew him when they started to go to school. Hate to see him mope around being ignored and disbelieved in. Ideal for ranting lunatic with no pants and poor hygiene. Does not like to be drawn into pro-life demonstrations, or schools.

    Ginny
  • cellomould
    cellomould

    he he he this is hilarious!

    cellomould

    "In other words, your God is the warden of a prison where the only prisoner is your God." Jose Saramago, The Gospel According to Jesus Christ

  • Julie
    Julie

    LOL Boozerunner! Good one. Since Ihave already been publicly identified as a member of an existing Triune I figured I'd take a shot at the job, I could probably make time for it if the compensation package was right.

    Name(s) Julie
    DIN(Deity Identification Number) Third member of JWD Female Triune
    MOB(Millenium of Birth) 20th century AD (your time)
    Age(Infinite is a plus) Plenty-eight

    Have you ever ruled here before?
    _Yes
    _No X
    If yes, please explain-were you: N/A
    1._Fired
    2._Quit
    3._Humiliated by the ALMIGHTY
    4._Destroyed by the ALMIGHTY(please explain)
    5._I was a false God

    Please list previous subjects below:
    Planet-------Galaxy-------Reason for leaving
    1. Planet Julie, Northern Michigan, Still ruling
    2. Retail World Earth Poor Comp. package
    3.
    4.
    5.

    TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF
    (check all that apply)

    Section I- Gender?
    1._God
    2._Goddess
    3._Androgenous
    4._Triune: X (member of)
    5._False God(if checked, please look elsewhere, we have enough of those)

    Section II-Qualities
    1._Loving: X
    2._Kind: X
    3._Egocentric
    4._Just: X
    5._Bloodthirsty
    6._Warmongering: In moderation
    7._All of the above
    8._None of the above(please explain)

    Section III-Associates
    Do you or have you ever associated with any of the following:
    A.Gods or Godesses
    1._Jehovah: X Studied him, met him briefly, unimpressive,blustery
    2._Satan: X Feared him, now have inside info he is old myth
    3._Buddha: X Sat with him at wedding feast, BIG eater...
    4._Allah X Met him at a cocktail party, pretty witty guy
    5._The Almighty Dollar
    6._JanH X He is a lesser god but a worthy associate
    7._Xena X Intermittent, brief contact, undecided
    8._PeaceLoveHarmony X Intermittent, brief contact, seems rather pleasant sort
    9._Budweiser

    B.Superior Beings
    1._The Q Continuum
    2._Bill Gates
    3._Simon: X
    4._Amazing
    5._The Borg

    C._Wannabees
    1._Teletubbies
    2._Osama bn Laden
    3._The GB
    4._Any BOE-anywhere
    5._DO's, CO's, PO's
    6._The Pope
    7._YOU KNOW
    8._The WTS Borg
    9._All of the Above: X

    Section IV-Travel
    A. Do you travel:
    1._At the spped of light
    2._Faster than the speed of light: X
    3._At the speed of sound
    4._In an SUV

    B.Do you mind traveling to any of the following places for the purpose of reclaiming souls? (check all that apply)
    1._Hell
    2._Heaven
    3._Purgatory
    4._Kingdom Halls(5 hours travelling per week required)
    5._Bethel
    6._Watchtower Farms
    7._All of the above: X (One trip only required of a Triune to accomplish)

    Section V-Worship
    A. Please explain how you prefer to be worshipped(check all that apply)
    1._Animal sacrifices
    2._Virgin sacrifices
    3._Sex
    4._Virgin sex
    5._Insects
    6._Partying: X
    7._Tithing
    8._No worship, just amuse me
    9._Prayer (if checked, please explain how)
    a._Standing
    b._Kneeling
    c._Direction _N, _S, _E, _W
    d._In the throes of passion, ie, "OHHHHH GODDDDDD, yesssssssssss": X
    e._Selfless love for one another: X
    f._Striving to serve the Greater Good: X

    Section VI-Experiences
    Are you skilled in using your powers to:
    1._Heal the infirmed
    2._Grant everlasting life: X
    3._Save the world: X
    4._Impart wisdom and knowledge: X
    5._Keep magazine peddlers away: X
    6._Help people get laid(never mind, alcoholic beverages work just fine): X (would make inner beauty obvious on outside, no one would have to go without unless by choice--a merciful, generous Triune )

    References funished upon request.

    Julie, who knows fellow Triune members will concur

  • BoozeRunner
    BoozeRunner

    Ginny, did that box fall off the back of a truck? LOL, ppl have been known to get scammed on televisions that way-at least they got rocks in the box or something. :-P

    Julie, you certainly seem to have impressive qualifications. I am sure we will be contacting you to set up a formal interview.

    Boozy

  • outnfree
    outnfree

    Name(s) Mom, Zelia, Brennie, Bitch, Goddess, Legs, Babe
    DIN(Deity Identification Number) 1225-000
    MOB(Millenium of Birth) see below
    Age(Infinite is a plus) infinite reincarnations

    Have you ever ruled here before?
    X_Yes
    _No
    If yes, please explain-were you
    1._Fired
    2._Quit
    3._Humiliated by the ALMIGHTY
    4._Destroyed by the ALMIGHTY(please explain)
    5._I was a false God
    6.X_I AM the ALMIGHTY

    Please list previous subjects below:
    Planet-------Galaxy-------Reason for leaving
    1. Zelyg54 -- Hellion -- Got bored one day and decided to leave the Zelygs to fend for themselves
    2. Earth -- Milky Way -- I still make appearances here when the mood strikes me, but humans are so fickle, anyway
    3.
    4.
    5.

    TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF
    (check all that apply)

    Section I- Gender?
    1._God
    2. X_Goddess (There ARE no other type, sillies!)
    3._Androgenous
    4._Triune
    5._False God(if checked, please look elsewhere, we have enough of those)

    Section II-Qualities
    1.X_Loving
    2.X_Kind
    3.X_Egocentric
    4._Just
    5._Bloodthirsty
    6._Warmongering
    7._All of the above
    8._None of the above(please explain)

    Section III-Associates
    Do you or have you ever associated with any of the following:
    A.Gods or Godesses
    1.X_Jehovah
    2.X_Satan
    3._Buddha
    4._Allah
    5.X_The Almighty Dollar {there's been a paucity lately!)
    6.X_JanH
    7.X_Xena
    8.X_PeaceLoveHarmony
    9.X_Budweiser (but it was a short-lived and, er, shall we say, tumultuous relationship!)

    B.Superior Beings
    1._The Q Continuum
    2._Bill Gates
    3.X_Simon (want to meet him in person -- Ang, too!)
    4.X_Amazing (have met in person)
    5.X_The Borg (decidedly NOT Superior Beings, but I know the collective intimately - hehe)

    C._Wannabees
    1._Teletubbies
    2._Osama bn Laden
    3.X_The GB (Oh! You meant the original Borg above?!!!)
    4.X_Any BOE-anywhere
    5.X_DO's, CO's, PO's
    6._The Pope
    7.X_YOU KNOW (but I always regret it in the morning!
    8.X_The WTS Borg (WHY do you insist on reminding me???!!!!)

    Section IV-Travel
    A. Do you travel:
    1._At the spped of light
    2._Faster than the speed of light
    3._At the speed of sound
    4.X_In an SUV (I can DO all the others, but when visiting Earth, I like the raw power of ALL-TRACTION tires, the throaty growl of the V-8 engine, and the wind blowing in my hair when the sunroof's open)

    B.Do you mind traveling to any of the following places for the purpose of reclaiming souls? (check all that apply)
    1._Hell
    2._Heaven
    3.X_Purgatory (ain't no such thing!)
    4._Kingdom Halls(5 hours travelling per week required)
    5.X_Bethel (Hopeless -- Four P's keep them enslaved to their misconceptions! The ones with minds wind up HERE sooner or later anyway!)
    6._Watchtower Farms

    Section V-Worship
    A. Please explain how you prefer to be worshipped(check all that apply)
    1._Animal sacrifices
    2.X_Virgin sacrifices ([bold]*I*[/bold] get the virgin STUDS -- no defects)
    3.X_Sex
    4.X_Virgin sex (see above)
    5._Insects
    6._Partying
    7.X_Tithing )see The Almighty Dollar above)
    8._No worship, just amuse me
    9._Prayer (if checked, please explain how)
    a.X_Standing (while I cling to Virgin STUD's shoulders)
    b.X_Kneeling (while I sit directly in front of Virgin STUD)
    c.X_Direction X_N, X_S, X_E, X_W and UP and DOWN, too!
    d.X_In the throes of passion, ie, "OHHHHH GODDDDDDESSSS, yesssssssssss"

    Section VI-Experiences
    Are you skilled in using your powers to:
    1._Heal the infirmed
    2._Grant everlasting life
    3._Save the world
    4.X_Impart wisdom and knowledge
    5.X_Keep magazine peddlers away
    6.X_Help people get laid(never mind, alcoholic beverages work just fine) (I help all the STUDLY Virgins chosen for service get laid)

    Ty for you interest in this position. We will be contacting all qualified candidates in the next millenium. If you are chosen for an interview, please bring portfolio of miracles, etc, proof of residence in this universe, and be prepared for a physical test of your abilities.
    [bold]

    YUMMY!

    [/bold]

    outnfree

    It's what you learn after you know it all that counts -- John Wooden

    p.s. DANG that forum code, anyway! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.........

  • hippikon
    hippikon

    You must be crazy – I’m not applying till I know what the salary package is. Does it come with a company chariot and how much holidays and sick leave? What is the retirement plan like?

  • think41self
    think41self

    ROTFLMAO Boozy

    Personally, I don't think any of the applicants for the job so far are right for it. None of them seem quite...twisted enough. We need the same kind of deity we're already used to, right?

    think41self

    She had the vocabulary of a brothel owner specializing in service to sailors with Tourette's syndrome

  • seedy3
    seedy3

    LOL I love this. Here ia a link to a sight that has an interactive guide to "Shopping for a Savior" you need the Macromedia plug-in but it's pretty funny. http://www.bettybowers.com/pagan.html

    Have fun. Oh she has a bunch of other interactive stuff there too, just back up to http://www.bettybowers.com and click on the interactive tab,it's a blast.

    Seedy

  • BoozeRunner
    BoozeRunner

    Hippikon, compensation package and perks will be based upon experience. However, As a signing bonus, can I interest you in some ENRON STOCK????

    LOL,
    Boozy

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