I had an emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive father

by gubberningbody 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  gubberningbody

  He is/was a big man, intelligent affable and charming at times and yet inconstant and scary at other times.

  Years later in explanation to me he said...

  "You know I loved you."

  I said in reply:

  "What does that matter if I didn't feel loved?"

  To me, this is one of the most important thing in the examination of the character of God as represented by any religion.

  Believer : "Jesus loves you."

  Me : "He has an odd way of showing it. I'm not feeling it, brother."

  What does it matter if someone tells you that God loves you and yet you just don't feel loved and you don't see any evidence that he loves the world either?

  14 Of what benefit is it, my brothers, if a certain one says he has faith but he does not have works? That faith cannot save him, can it? 15 If a brother or a sister is in a naked state and lacking the food sufficient for the day, 16 yet a certain one of YOU says to them: “Go in peace, keep warm and well fed,” but YOU do not give them the necessities for [their] body, of what benefit is it? 17 Thus, too, faith, if it does not have works, is dead in itself." - James 2:14-17
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  AllTimeJeff

  What does it matter if someone tells you that God loves you and yet you just don't feel loved and you don't see any evidence that he loves the world either?
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  30 years out

  Been there too. Mine was an unpredictable powder keg of a man who had an Irish temper that would lash out without warning.

  I once listened to an adult child of an alcoholic father who talked about never knowing what would set off the tirade, but just walking on eggshells knowing something would, and I remarked that I almost wished my father had been an addict so that there would have been some logical explanation for his actions.

  This man was the presiding elder for many years in his congregation, setting the example for everyone else there while he created a total disaster in his own home. I contend that he did not worship a loving god at all, but rather enjoyed playing the role of enforcer for a god who exacted the severest punishments for the smallest transgressions.

  As an adult I presented him with evidence of his hypocrisy and found it humorous to watch him try to control his growing outrage at having to confront the real truth.

  30
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  LV101

  30 yrs. out --- yes, i can relate w/abusers who don't drink/drug. they don't need to imbibe -- they're worse than a drunk naturally. CRAZY DRY DRUNKS, rageaholics, etc. many times these dry drunks were never raised around a drunk themselves but are an exact copy of one of their own parents who grew up around an alcoholic. they need to be in mental institutions not marriages hurting/abusing children and animals.
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  Band on the Run

  Despite decades of therapy and Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am haunted by my father's abuse. He was extremely controlling and escapegoated me. I don't know why he hated me so much to this day. He was very narcissistic with no empathy. His morals and my mom's morals were diametrically opposed. He was a physcial embarassment.

  He was almost born-in. His size was so large he did the prep work in the mines for coal miners. He was tapped at a convention to be a body guard at Bethel. I think he did not want to leave the company town. He witnessed many things at Bethel that blew his mind. The one strand of Witness dogma that he absolutely believed was how evil Roman Catholics were. He almost lost his job at work from hectoring Catholics. When I knew him, he rarely would attend meetings. We did conventions and assemblies. I prayed for us to be more active and then he would behave. My mom said this was foolish. He became so much, much worse.

  He dangled my 3 year old brother with heavy braces on his leg over the highest cliff in NJ. A social agency set up a rape monitoring system over me. I equate the Witnesses with my father's abuse which may not be accurate. The culture encouraged him. When we would attend conventions, we were dumped so he rove around his former Bethel friends. People treated us with contempt at KH. All these main public speakers would embrace him. It blew my mind.

  I hate him forever. Yet I realize he was repeating what was done to him. The difference between the two of us is prob. just temperament. Narcisissm has few treatments that work. I don't think his rage was a conscious decision.
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  cult classic

  Same exact relationship with my mother. It was very confusing because she was abusive on all fronts but would periodically have these emotional outbursts and go on and on about how she loved me. My father was an enabler and didn't take her abuse seriously enough. So I was ripe for confusing a "God of love" with one who is unavailable and actionless.
• 

  Sapphy

  never knowing what would set off the tirade, but just walking on eggshells knowing something would

  Oh boy. This.

  Easiest way to break a child's spirit.
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  Band on the Run

  Yes, the eggshell wallk. My father is easy tp condemn. My mom loved me very much. She stayed with me, losing her pension, apartment, friends, etc. during an epic battle with illness. She was always light to his darkness. Once she shook me, demanding I confess my inner badness. It was worse than fighting for life from my father. The passive abuser is the one that knifes you in the back. I love her so much and yet I have incredible rage. She sold her children to abuse. What a role model.

  I felt as though I were her mother and responsible for her. My earliest memory is of my father beating her to a pulp. Sheer hell broke out. The next day we were one happy family, except in my damaged soul. We were about four or five, when my father ejected my brother with heavy cp braces on his legs. I was set out, too. Despite my younge age, I knew it was bravada or drama. Once we found police, my bro and I would be fine and my father in trouble. Sadly, my brother was 20 months younger and could not be consoled. He was beet red. Running wit hheavy clunkuy braces, I could not catch up to him to cnsole him and tell him my police plan. My brother was truly near a heart attack. My mom stayed in the car. I would get out of the car to take care of complete stranger children.

  The tension between civil norms learned in school and utter chaos learned in the Witnesses was too stressful. I assume that those not treated this way were the exception.
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  mummatron

  Been there...and people now wonder why I'm shy, quiet and overly apologetic about anything and everything.
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  skeeter1

  The best line to use on these old men is...

  Old man will say something...."Oh, the JWs have the Truth. We don't go to war..."

  Son..."Dad, to many not wanting to kill another person is honorable. It's practicing peace towards another man, as taught by Christ."

  Old man will look mighty proud.

  Son..."JWs are right in that they teach peace and do not go to war. Why, even if a JW visited a recruitment office or joined the military, he'd be taken into the back room and/or disfellowshipped. While it's an action between the brothr and government, occurred outside the Kingdom Hall, it still speaks volumes that the JW does not embrace Christ's teachings. "

  Old man will look super, super proud.

  Son.."So, dad, why is it that this same brother can beat up his wife and children in his home and the elders call it a personal matter? The elders will not get involved with domestic disputes. Yet, isn't it the most violent thing to do - to beat up your family and children? Isn't it hypocritical to not believe in war, but believe in or, at the least, tolerate, domestic disputes. How do you recocnile"

  Dad will not look you in the eye....

  Been there, done that. You may say I'm a manipulative a-hole for doing that. But, I needed to get it off my chest. I needed to see him squirm, like we all squirmed for so many years.

  Skeeter