Some Thoughts on Self Esteem and Disfellowshipping

by What Now? 15 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • What Now?
    What Now?

    A few days ago, MrFreeze wrote a heartbreaking post called “I’ll always be a failure” in which he talked about how his mother will always view him that way because he is no longer a witness. I also just read leavingwt’s post “A Shunning Story” about a friend who’s “dead” to her mother because she is now disfellowshipped. I’m sure these topics have been covered a million and one times, but these stories got me thinking about two things: One, how a child’s self esteem is slowly broken down beginning very early when they are raised in this religion; And second, how the Watchtower diminishes the natural love that parents have for their children.

    The Witness culture is built on guilt and social pressure. It breaks my heart that the children are not spared from that. For those of us that were “raised from infancy”, we were taught that our worth in God’s eyes and our parents eyes was dependant on our works performed in “the truth”. When you look at the pride and joy in the congregation associated with a child commenting, giving a first talk, becoming an upbaptized publisher, “vacation” pioneering etc – the pressure that creates for children is overwhelming, especially when all their friends are doing it. I only got baptized at 11 years old because my younger sister was. How can a child grow up with a healthy view of themselves knowing that their parents love is conditional on them accepting and staying in the religion they have chosen for them? Knowing that their parents would rather they be DEAD then disfellowshipped or disassociated? Even for those kids that do embrace the religion with all their heart, I can’t help but feel that this causes some emotional damage. I think the amount of mental illness I see within the organization is a testament to this.

    When I was a teenager, one day my mom told another sister in my hall, “I love my children but they are not my joy in life. If something happened to them, or they left the truth, what would I do? Jehovah and his service is my joy”. When I began regular pioneering, my mom wrote me a card and in it she told me that this was the only choice I could have made that would have made her and my dad truly proud of me. I know these comments were not intended to be hurtful, and at the time I just shrugged them off. But as I think about those comments now, and so many similar comments made over the years, it brings tears to my eyes. It would have been nice to grow up knowing that my parents were proud of me no matter what I chose. I know that as my son grows up, he might make choices that I don’t understand, or that I don’t agree with. I’ll be there to give him guidance and help him along the way, but I will never subject him to the pressure that I see put on kids in the organization. Whatever choices he makes, they will be HIS choices and I will be proud of whatever person he becomes. He’s not going to worry about being a disappointment or failure in my eyes.

    Which brings me to my second thought … There is an older couple in my hall with 3 children. One passed away in a car accident several years ago. Their daughter has been disfellowshipped for a few years and their son just recently disassociated himself. Every time I see them, I can’t get over the fact that they would rather live their lives as if they had no children at all, as if all of their children were dead, for the sake of this religion.

    Every day I look at my son, and all I feel for him is love. And I can’t imagine one single thing that he could do that would diminish that love in any way. Every parent MUST feel that same love for their child. So I can’t understand how a mother or father could accept the disfellowshipping policy as the right thing to do, the obvious choice. Even if I did buy in to the whole JW doctrine, if it ever came down to a choice between my son or the organization, I choose my son without question. Why is the organization so successful in convincing parents that it’s one or the other, in breaking that bond that should naturally exist between parents and their children?

    Anyways, those were just some random thoughts that I needed to get off my chest. I look forward to hearing your replies

  • Ding
    Ding
    Why is the organization so successful in convincing parents that it’s one or the other, in breaking that bond that should naturally exist between parents and their children?

    They make it a test of loyalty to God.

    They convince the parents that shunning is the only way to bring their children back from the path of everlasting annihilation and the only way to avoid that fate themselves.

  • flipper
    flipper

    WHAT NOW- Excellent thread my friend. In fact, one of the best threads I've seen posted here in awhile ! You bring up very good points. All of which I agree with.

    In answer to your question of why the organization is so successful in convincing ( more like controlling or manipulating ) parents to shun their DFed children or break the bonds with them ? It is due to the EXTREME mind control tactics used in taking JW's authentic, real minds away from them so they can't think straight. In psychology it's actually called " dissociative disorder " according to Steve Hassan's books on mind control where a cult member can totally show allegiance to the cult , yet totally turn off ANY emotions towards family or friends who the cult tells them are evil .

    How the WT society does it is by influencing JW's to view EVERYBODY who is not a Witness as a potential threat to them drawing away from God and to view DFed friends or family as even MORE of a threat. Even though the DFed one may be a fine person ! It's a controlling, manipulative psychologically abusive methodwhich the WT society uses to control members thinking and thought processes. So most JW's have this menmtal disorder called " dissociative disorder " because they are TRAINED to view non-Witnesses or EX-Witnesses in that way.

    The only thing that can change , or break those views down in JW's is for them to see it themselves eventually either through suffering injustices from elders in the cult, or going through negative experiences which may jolt their authentic thinking as a normal human back into line - which will help them lose the " cult mindset " or thinking. It can happen , JW's CAN lose cult thinking , but it takes some time or life changing experiences to take away the non-emotional robotic thinking they have. Just my 2 cents from the research I've done on this.

    If you get a chanceplease read Steve Hassans 2 books- " Combatting Cult Mind Control " & " Releasing the Bonds- Empowering People to Think for Themselves " - it really helped me understand HOW the WT society can control these people ! It's amazing

  • flipper
    flipper

    Another thing I wanted to add is the WT society uses FEAR and GUILT in scaring jW's away from associating from DFed ones. So they make JW's feel guilty that if they socialize with DFed ones they'll be disapproved by God ( really the WT society in disguise ) and they cause them to needlessly FEAR DFed ones saying " they'll turn you away from the Witnesses ! "

    So the self esteem of DFed ones takes a HUGE hit as they are painted as some fictitious , saliva drooling monster that will eat up JW's. It's really ridiculous and very damaging to the DFed ones self esteem AND damaging to JW's to look at other human beings in that manner ! Just disgusting

  • NewChapter
    NewChapter

    I feel like all pride and joy are tainted with the condition that the child remain loyal to the WT. A parent could have a great kid that does great things, but if that child doesn't share the religion, then all good feelings are polluted with that worry. It's very sad. There is just never room for pure joy==it always comes with stipulations. JW's love to quote that in the last days the love of the greater number will cool--also there would be no natural affection. How can they read these versus repeatedly and not see that this is exactly what their religion encourages? Actually it demands it. One must absolutely cool their love and squealch their natural affection to stay good with the WT.

    I don't have any answers--just observations.

    NC

  • Bella15
    Bella15
    Ironic Quote
    "No one should be forced to worship in a way that he finds unacceptable or be made to choose between his beliefs and his family."
    Awake! 2009 July p.29 (p.28)

    My mom is the same ... she has poison running in her veins ... she wants armageddon to com NOW so we could get killed. I actually afraid that in times of the real persecution of real Christians, my mom will be the first to turn me in. She hates our guts for leaving (2 daugters, 1 son) so much that I feel sorry for her. She wants revenge. She hates the fact that in my case I disassociated myself, she keeps bugging the Elders to come see me and they don't even know me. Once I received a call from an Elder from a congregation I didn't know I could tell he was calling just to get my mom out of his back. Just recently she has started persecuting me again ... this time I will write to the GB to resign from their CORPORATION, copy my mother and along the letter I will send a tone of documents and copies of THEIR OWN literature where they contradict themselves, teach false doctrines and prophesy. So I am happy because she is giving me the chance to give her "apostate" literature from her own religion that she woudn't accept from me otherwise.

  • Magwitch
    Magwitch

    Thank you for this thread - it is exceptional. These parents, who so easily shun their children, are so unworthy of procreating

  • mochamint22
    mochamint22

    my mother is one of those. i was disfellowshipped when i was 17 for the dreaded fornication. a child resulted from that so that heaped on the shame even more. she called me a whore and spread all the deatils surrounding the situation with all of her pioneer friends who, as you all know, LOVE to gossip in their car group clicks. she has told me that i'm dead to her and that i'm a walking corpse. that i don't love my husband or daughters because i dont make an effort for all of us to be in the "truth." even when we were living in the same household when i was disfellowshipped, she hardly spoke two words to me that year and all of her shunning and mal treatment has scarred me. and it continues to affect me and my self-esteem. i have been diagnosed clinically depressed and have attempted suicide a couple yrs back. i battle with feelings of worthlessness and anger which seems to be for no apparent reason when it happens but i know it all goes back to the org and how that has affected my life.

  • Ding
    Ding

    Mochamint22,

    I've sent you a PM.

  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    Another part of the cult's psychological manipulation is something touched upon in the original post of this thread.

    The genuine personality is torn down and a new personality is built up in the cult's image. The Borg doesn't even disguise that they're doing this. They use scriptures to support this process but nobody IN really thinks about what is being done to them. The genuine person, no matter who that is or how worthy, is conditioned using various methods to believe he/she lacks any redeeming value. Any kindness done to them is "undeserved kindness" (a 'loaded' phrase in Dub-speak). Once the individual has rejected him/herself, the cult indoctrinates the "new personality" which covers over the genuine person.

    That they do this to anyone is bad but that they do it to little kids is particularly despicable.

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