A few days ago, MrFreeze wrote a heartbreaking post called “I’ll always be a failure” in which he talked about how his mother will always view him that way because he is no longer a witness. I also just read leavingwt’s post “A Shunning Story” about a friend who’s “dead” to her mother because she is now disfellowshipped. I’m sure these topics have been covered a million and one times, but these stories got me thinking about two things: One, how a child’s self esteem is slowly broken down beginning very early when they are raised in this religion; And second, how the Watchtower diminishes the natural love that parents have for their children.
The Witness culture is built on guilt and social pressure. It breaks my heart that the children are not spared from that. For those of us that were “raised from infancy”, we were taught that our worth in God’s eyes and our parents eyes was dependant on our works performed in “the truth”. When you look at the pride and joy in the congregation associated with a child commenting, giving a first talk, becoming an upbaptized publisher, “vacation” pioneering etc – the pressure that creates for children is overwhelming, especially when all their friends are doing it. I only got baptized at 11 years old because my younger sister was. How can a child grow up with a healthy view of themselves knowing that their parents love is conditional on them accepting and staying in the religion they have chosen for them? Knowing that their parents would rather they be DEAD then disfellowshipped or disassociated? Even for those kids that do embrace the religion with all their heart, I can’t help but feel that this causes some emotional damage. I think the amount of mental illness I see within the organization is a testament to this.
When I was a teenager, one day my mom told another sister in my hall, “I love my children but they are not my joy in life. If something happened to them, or they left the truth, what would I do? Jehovah and his service is my joy”. When I began regular pioneering, my mom wrote me a card and in it she told me that this was the only choice I could have made that would have made her and my dad truly proud of me. I know these comments were not intended to be hurtful, and at the time I just shrugged them off. But as I think about those comments now, and so many similar comments made over the years, it brings tears to my eyes. It would have been nice to grow up knowing that my parents were proud of me no matter what I chose. I know that as my son grows up, he might make choices that I don’t understand, or that I don’t agree with. I’ll be there to give him guidance and help him along the way, but I will never subject him to the pressure that I see put on kids in the organization. Whatever choices he makes, they will be HIS choices and I will be proud of whatever person he becomes. He’s not going to worry about being a disappointment or failure in my eyes.
Which brings me to my second thought … There is an older couple in my hall with 3 children. One passed away in a car accident several years ago. Their daughter has been disfellowshipped for a few years and their son just recently disassociated himself. Every time I see them, I can’t get over the fact that they would rather live their lives as if they had no children at all, as if all of their children were dead, for the sake of this religion.
Every day I look at my son, and all I feel for him is love. And I can’t imagine one single thing that he could do that would diminish that love in any way. Every parent MUST feel that same love for their child. So I can’t understand how a mother or father could accept the disfellowshipping policy as the right thing to do, the obvious choice. Even if I did buy in to the whole JW doctrine, if it ever came down to a choice between my son or the organization, I choose my son without question. Why is the organization so successful in convincing parents that it’s one or the other, in breaking that bond that should naturally exist between parents and their children?
Anyways, those were just some random thoughts that I needed to get off my chest. I look forward to hearing your replies
