When I was in the WT I was always rushing.... Never had time to do anything.... Always had the meetings to prep for... Dinner to get ready before the meeting... Clothes to get ready.... Ministry to go on.... There was always something I had to do for Jehovah....Etc etc etc....
I never sat down and enjoyed being in the moment... I ALWAYS felt guilty... I would always be thinking ''I shouldn't be sat down I should be doing something for Jehovah, he despises a lazy person. It got soo bad I ended up in a hole to which I couldn't get out. I needed help to function.
After coming out it took a long time to get used to enjoying some ''quiet'' time. I still suffer now... If I am sat down reading and I hear Carrot come in from work I fly up and start pottering about. He looks at me and tells me to sit back down and finish what I was reading. I still suffer with that ''guilt'' of some me time.
For instance I have praticed Yoga for years... I have always always found it hard to meditate. I cannot quiet my mind. I sit there thinking of what I SHOULD be doing and what I have YET to do. I end up feeling more anxious then before I started. Yesterday was the first day of an intense Yoga practice for about six months... I started the meditation and relaxed straight into it. That has never happened before... Today I started another meditation and went into a fantastic relaxed trance like state. I feel soo relaxed. Perhaps that ''guilt'' is finally leaving... Maybe I'm finally making that transition into a ''normal'' person. A person who lives in the moment and enjoys every second, someone who enjoys those leisurely walks and lazy days where a book is your only companion and feels no guilt about what you should be doing, not what you are enjoying. Maybe I won't be running on pure adrenaline and preparing my heart for an early demise...
Does/did anyone else suffer with the ''I should be doing something for jehovah, not wasting my time enjoying my life with mindless recreational activities?''
Peace
