Ive come so far but I cant move on

GoingGoingGone

Chariklo - So much useful info here! I'll be back to comment more later, hubby is home now though so I have to go... Thanks!!

GGG

lil.lady.03

@GoingGoingGone: First off! YAY for being cancer free!!

Secondly, I totally understand what your saying. I'm 23, born in the JWs and I just drifted away about 8 months ago now. The friendship thing is a huge deal with me. Especially now, because I'm at that PARTY PARTY stage of life. LOL.

I posted a while ago (I'm not on here too much either) asking how can I go about making non-JW friends. Like bumble bee said, the meetup.com is a great start. I joined a book club. Most of the women are older than me, but that's ok. Its a good outlet. We were taught to make friends with older ppl, anyway. LOL.

For me the one problem I still have been having is trusting non-JWs. Basically, forging up a friendship. I think it has to do with the 'trust factor' that we were bred to blieve in; that all non JWs are NOT friends. They are NOT trustworthy. Only JWS are and can be true friends. We supposedly can go anywhere in the world and BAM! just like that, we have a true friend. When its put like that, yeah it can get pretty lonely stepping into the unknown world. That does induce stress and health realted problems. That is probably why so may who have left, go back and deal with the crap just so they can say they belong to somethig and have a social life and not be so wigged out.

I'm staring to understand why so many formar JWs cling to each other. When I was in, I used to balk at the idea of former JWs only hanging out with former JWs, but I see why now. I get what it feels like to be in a inbetween place. Not totally free and someone else understands that feeling.

This website is good for that. A place to vent and to be understood. But again, aside from the internet forum, it would be nice to have tanglibe friends to go out and spend time with.

I understand your frustration. Hang in there. But if possible make time for you and still have set away time for you and your hubby. Also, if you have any realtives that are non JWs, that is a good place to start rekindling relationships. Espcially if you haven't had the closest relationship with them becase of being a JW. I have noticed a lot of my "worldly' cousins, aunts, and uncles are actually ok ppl. Go figure!

Lozhasleft

Oh GGG your post has made me so sad for you. Its so hard to move on. I have different circumstances to you but I still find it difficult...I'm not sure if that helps you but I'll share it hoping it will...

Following a divorce from my abusive JW ex and then a disfellowshipping, a cancer from all the stress..I subseqently 'lost' all my friends and family in the WTBS. I have remarried to a wonderful man (an atheist) and moved away and am now in my final year at Uni as a mature student. I have friends ...mostly acquaintances, just a couple of close ones, but still, I dont know if I'll ever really 'get over' the past...the 'old' life...the lost years...they will always be there just over my shoulder.

You should be so proud about what you've done for your children, really proud, I wish I'd done it for mine before it was too late.

I'm sure your marriage is valuable and I think you must be pretty exceptional to have held onto it feeling as you do, but, I just want to repeat some words my hubby reminds me of frequently...'this isnt a rehearsal...you have to jump in and take a swim in the sea of life'.

I hope you can..just one day at a time...you owe it to yourself. Hugs.

Loz x

unshackled

GGG...I don't have any great advice to pass along. But I can offer you are not alone in feeling stuck in a moment. I've pretty much shed all my JW indoctrination, been completely out for years, remarried to a great woman.....but....still feel like I'm not fully living my life yet. I call it the magic-carpet-ride-to-paradise mindset. Waiting for something that's not coming.

Guess I'm not as unshackled as my username suggests. Hang in there...and congrats on being cancer-free. What a victory.

bartj

Hi GGG,

How long have you been cancer free for? I'm a mad cyclist and finally read that Lance Armstrong book "it's not about the bike". I knew all about the cycling side but very little about his battle with cancer. One thing that he struggled with was survivorship, you focus so much on getting through it all and then ... go back to living a "normal" life , scared of what the future might bring etc..

Have you checked out the livestrong org ? I think they have a lot of material dealing with this . It sounds like you have some many different issues. I'm new here but have been recently looking into religion in general , JW's in particular mainly because I think that having knowledge of their questionable claims has really helped me put their influence on my life in perspective.

The other thing I would suggest is trying to talk to your husband about some of your worries ( like your feelings of lonliness and desire for work) , he may just listen. All the best .

Quandry

How wonderful that you have accomplished such great things; first, the education of your children, then the beating of cancer, third, you know "the truth about the truth."You are obviously a strong person.

I know the feeling of not having friends. In the congregation we had instant friends and lots of them. In fact, sometimes I felt overwhelmed because I knew so many people and felt that I couldn't properly keep up with them all to the extent I should. Now, none of them speak to me or my husband, because we are "dangerous." Yes, my husband is "out"with me, but he doesn't want any friends...well actually he does, but is afraid of being hurt. At any rate, it equals lonliness for me. I feel that I can't leave him at home and go places or he'll be upset.

My advice to you is get a part time job. That way you could get rest in between the times you had to work. It would also get you out of the house and talking to people again.

The second thing is that you need is to compromise with hubby. At least one weekend a month, go do something together as a couple instead of going to the meetings. Maybe he would relax and feel that he could be a bit more open with you about his doubts.

Wishing you the best. I know that we are all just connected by computer but I hope you can see that we care about you.

Found Sheep

Nugget-so true

It is hard because as JWs we are taught how to make converts but not taught how to make friends.

I'm new but not too new Think I made my 1,000 or almost

I have no idea how to move on if 1/2 your family is still JW! You are stong a real stong Woman to be in your shoes! All I can say is God Bless! And big hugg

sizemik

Hi GGG . . . wow! there's some great advice here. I have little I can add, except to say the void you are in is something I have experienced as well. I know how irritating it can be to be getting counselling from someone who doesn't quite "get it". You might ask yourself "Are the areas in which I am getting some value that important?" If there is value in continuing to see your therapist . . . you may have to confine your expectations to those areas only, and mentally forego those areas where there is no connection. I have a long-time XJW friend who does "get it", and talking certain things out with him is far more valuable than trying to get someone else to understand it fully. Having a confidant who knows the experience intimately is of great value I believe.

The encouragement to find an interest group or volunteer work is a good one . . . it doesn't need to be a lot of your time and you don't need to meet heaps of people all at once . . . just set the practice in motion with small steps. All the best to you. We know what it's like.

skeeter1

I am sorry you've had such a rough time. It's good to hear from you.

I agree that volunteer work would be good, perhaps something that is cancer oriented. The JWs can't say all that much if you volunteer for a cause, especially a good one. And, if they do, perhaps your husband will see the JWs in a different light (ok, I had to throw that in). Plus, you'll meet new people.

If you want to do work, look for jobs that you can do "at your time." Something freelance, like writing articles for the local newspaper. You'll get out and meet people and get paid something for your story. As your health improves, you may be able to feel like you can work part or full time again.

Anyway, glad to see your out and that you helped your children.

Skeeter

Will Power

(((GGG)))

Did you lose my number????

There is so much great advice here. I can also totally relate to how difficult it is to take the next step. (I'm struggling myself) You've been through alot and have accomplished so much. Sounds like you're in a state of limbo (I know the feeling) a transition phase between the break free and the moving forward.

The empty-nester is a real issue for women our age + the rest of things it all adds up. You've been so busy protecting your kids, seeing them off, dealing with your health issues, the "fade" - PHEW. Now it must seem like there's nothing to do.

Exercise is a great way to increase those endorphins and raise that seretonin level!!. Have you ever tried a yoga class, or Tai Chi? Its an awesome tool to get your insides motivated.

Sounds like you need a gentle push with ideas and support (this board is so good for that) a GREAT BIG HUG (steal this from your hubby) and maybe progress buddy. You can count on me for that - amazing things can be done over the phone :-) - I could actually use a progress buddy myself!

Remember that old Loreal commercial - YOU'RE WORTH IT!

and you are sweetie.

Lets talk soon - I'm going away for the weekend and I'll call you when I get back.

xoxo

Ive come so far but I cant move on - WHY NOT??