My wife's anxiety, guilt

by ashitaka 29 Replies latest jw friends

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  zev

  hey ashi,

  I can only speak from my own personal exerience here about this.

  As far as having a direction to go in, I don't quite know, honestly.
  I still believe in God.

  Where I go from here in the persuit of that relationship, I cannot say. I know I will never follow man or an "organization" of men. I still have a ways to go, and I'm not to worried about the immediate future. I still have soul searching to do, and time to sort things out. I'm under NO pressure, I can develope this as I go along. You and she need to take that time, and do this together. Your being very supportive of her, and I'm sure she appreciates that. Take your time. Examine everything, and make your best decision. Don't run headlong into something, because you need to fill a "gap" in your lives.
  I know I'm probibly telling you things you already know. You seem like a decent person, and without the stresses in life so many have to carry around. Enjoy your life together and take your time. After all, whats the rush?

  -Zev
  Learn about the Wtbts and the U.N.
  ** http://www.geocities.com/plowbitch69 **
• 

  OUTLAW

  Hey Ashi,If your wife dosen`t make a break with her dub friends,they will eventualy make a break with her.If she hangs out with them they will play on guilt.Scumbag Sexy teen/Yo-yo is a perfect example of that,as you can see in its post to you..>>>>>Hey Yo-yo,Still playing the sexyteen bullshit eh?What a good example of truth,NOT!You can`t even follow the rules of your own religion,other wise you wouldn`t be on this board.You are a Decietful Hypocrate!You wouldn`t recognize truth if it were a flaming telephone pole stuffed up your ass...OUTLAW
• 

  SexyTeen

  I was not poking fun or making light of the situation, but stating my personal opinion on the problems his wife is facing.

  You should try to control your anger, you're going to have a heart attack someday. Peace to you.
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  ashitaka

  Well, folks, I've been reading all of the awesome info you've been tossing my way. I think that all of you have good points, but my wife is wary of joining a club right now. She always says that she just wants to move away and start over. She almost begs me to sometimes.

  I'll look at the books, and I appreciate all of the great stuff you guys posted.

  And YOYO, she's not mourning 'Jehovah' but the structure her life had. I'm a very carefree guy, and let the wind blow me wherever, but my wife grew up in the chains of cold rigidity, but it made her feel secure, as well as inferior.

  What my wife needs are people who are non-judgemental right now, and she won't find that in the JW's. Her whole life she was molded by other people, never allowed to be herself. With me, I let her be what she wants to be, but she needs a direction first, I think.

  I'm going to encourage her today to either go to a therapist (like she had suggested a while ago), start a journal, maybe join a club.

  You attached people know how it is. You want to badly to help those you love. Listening, and JUST listening seems like a crime sometimes.

  Myself, I haven't been depressed since I met my wife. It left the day I met her. But, I do get sad when she seems so careworn from all of the sinister looks, snotty comments, and base views people throw on her. I would like to get her away, or perhaps help her find some meaningful friends other than me.

  I'm going to tell her she never has to see another JW again. I've been limiting my visits to my friend to once a month, if that. But, I don't want to betray him like I've been betrayed.

  Yes, he's been 'encouraging me', but it's been all very subtle and non-confrontational.

  I swear, guys, I just need a break. I need someone to hold me up for a while. It gets so tiring being the one in charge all the time. Every crisis, people come to me. And, I feel smart enought to help my wife, but I can't comfort her here. It's frustrating.

  Thanks again for all your comments.

  ashi
• 

  joelbear

  Hi Ashi,

  I had to move away and start over. The 3 months between my DFing and leaving Jacksonville were horrible. I kept running into people I loved very much and having to watch them turn away, shake their heads or even worse snicker at me.

  I moved to Atlanta with 0 friends and started from scratch. I'll never forget my old friends but having to see them would be 10 times worse for me.

  take care

  Joel
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  JBean

  Ashi... definitely do look into getting those books for your wife. The Simple Abundance one is EXCELLENT! I read it myself daily (takes the place of the "text"). Maybe you should look into joining a "club" with her... not just have her do it on her own. You can start slowly... many cities have Adult Education classes that are held in local schools or community houses in the evenings. Pick out a course that interests both of you, i.e., ballroom dance, wine appreciation, intro to a foreign language, etc. These courses are VERY cost-effective and lots of fun. She's sure to make new friends quickly when she's around folks that share her interests!
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  Marilyn

  Ashi, This is so sad. I hope you tell her how much we all feel for her. You say you can travel the world, but have you? We have traveled the world since leaving and travel certainly helps put it all in perspective. Especially the 3rd world countries. Getting away, along with seeing all the incredible people of other persuasions is humbling.

  Also do you engage in a regular exercise regime? I believe exercise is very calming on the spirit - but it must be part of a very regular routine. It can give the day a purpose - for some strange reason.

  Pity you don't have kids. They tend to take up the thoughts and energies of a woman. Though it's a bit of a drastic cure I know.

  After I read C of C, I felt much more settled about my decision to leave - I presume she's done that.

  Finally time is the only cure. Your wife reminds me of my daugher who is trying to recover from a broken romance. I think leaving the Org is very, very similiar to that. A lost love, as it were. Sometimes it's just time and readjustment from the sadness of what you thought you had. some people deal with change more easily than others. It's in that catagory of moving countries, divorce and death of a loved one. Find books about how people deal with these situations and you'll find information on how to help your wife.
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  Scully

  Ashi:

  I had feelings similar to your wife's while going through the process of leaving the JWs.

  I stumbled over a book that was the most therapeutic read I could have asked for. You see, my depression at the time was related to the overwhelming demands of being a JW, and no matter how hard I tried, it never seemed to be enough; the congregation always demanded more, as if Jehovah was unsatisfied with the best we were able to do. When I read the book, I saw what was wrong with the WTS for the first time, and it was not "me" at all.

  The author is Jeff Vanvonderen, and the title is Tired of Trying to Measure Up. I believe it's available from Amazon.com. He goes into the dynamics of a 'shame-based' and 'works based' belief system and compares it to a 'grace-based' belief system. He is a Christian pastor, so be aware of that slant to his writing; however, I found the principles he described, as they applied to the JWs and the WTS, to be extremely eye-opening and liberating. I read this book before I even started delving into the theological and doctrinal problems in the WTS, and it was pretty much the starting point in my exit from the JWs.

  Ginny mentioned Fr Leo Booth's book When God Becomes A Drug, which I have read, and recommend it.

  The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse co-authored by Jeff Vanvonderen and David Johnson, is another good one.

  Love, Scully

  PS - I'd be happy to correspond with her via e-mail if she's interested.

  In the desert things find a way to survive. Secrets are like this too. They work their way up through the sands of deception so men can know them. - The X Files
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  Yadira Angelini

  Ashi, please try to get a doctor prescribe her CELEXA. It is wonderful and not addicting. My daughter has had a brain tumor that left her with a short term memory damaged three years ago. She was a Pediatric Nurse and have lost her career; plus she has four children and there are other damages from three surgeries on her brain... my brother who is a Psyquiatrist recommended CELEXA for her depression and another friend of mine used it for a year and it did excellent; my daughter and I call it the 'wonder pill'. Now she is again getting involved with her family; and also decorating the new house she and her husband have bouhgt months before this trial. I'm in charge of her and her family, but since she started with this CELEXA life has been a lot better... besides, JWs or not, it seems as your dear wife has needed a antidepresant... right? I will be praying for both of you and please follow God's directions; He certainly speaks in this forum... as for YoYo and teen sexy or whatever, it looks like she or he needs our prayers, agreed? I love to see God's working on him?her too, let's be merciful with him/her too.
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  ashitaka

  Thanks for all the responses, I'm reading them all....as for drugs, she's not depressed, just wanting for direction. She's confused and gets upset easily by her past.

  When we're around each other, or just participating in the daily rind, everything's OK. It's just when the JW's rear their ugly head, is when she gets upset and says she wants to move away/nver see them again.

  Joel,

  We just might move away. We're still seriously considering the option, butwe're ok for right now, because we live quite some distance from our old friends (about one hour), so we're rarely bothered. That's why a drastic move seems like it would be more detrimental than helpful at this point.

  Scully,

  I'll pass on the email invite to my wife, along with the recommendations. Thank you.

  Marilyn,

  I had the privilidge of seeing the United Kingdom a few times, and am planning a trip to India, a tour of Iceland, Germany, Hawaii.

  Kids? Please....my wife laughs at the thought. We need to be VERY selfish for a few years to make up for the sacrifices we made as kids.

  My wife does have a regular excercise regimine, and she's felt better since she's started back up again. I've changed what I buy at the store, and I make healthier foods, as well as get her her major weaknesses, chocolate and ice cream (I can't stand the stuff).

  Both she and I haven't read COC or ISOCF, but we will. You're right, that may help her solidify her decision.

  Again, thanks for all the help, guys.

  ashi