Question for all you Current/Former Elders out there

by dontplaceliterature 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  dontplaceliterature

  The "Situation"

  A brother and sister from my parents congregation committed adultry with one another. He was single, she was married to another brother in the same hall. Her husband divorced her. The two offenders were disfellowshipped, but promptly re-married one another and have been attending meetings ever since. Approximately 2 years has passed, and as far as I know, they have not missed a beat meeting attendence wise.

  I began to question my parents how long they would remain disfellowshipped in consideration of the scripture at 2 Corinithians 2:6,7:

  "This rebuke given by the majority is sufficient for such a man, 7 so that, on the contrary now, YOU should kindly forgive and comfort [him], that somehow such a man may not be swallowed up by his being overly sad."

  My mother then advised me that the reason they are disfellowshipped still is that they have not "done what The Elders have asked them to do." Now, why my mother would know this, is beyond me. My dad isn't even an Elder. But obviously, their being disfellowshipped for such a long time dispite their frequent presence has become a topic of conversation among members of the congregation.

  I asked her what it was exactly they "had not done." She said that The Elders had advised the offending pair to write an apology letter to the vicimized husband. I asked my mother where the scriptural command for such an action was, and I just got a blank look.

  The Question

  In this circumstance, where an active member of the congregation has "cheated" on their believing spouse with another active member of the congregation, does The Watchtower Society require such a letter of apology be written as evidence of repentance on the part of the offending pair, or is this just some fabrication by the local Body of Elders?

  Also, if this is a requirement for reinstatement to the congregation after such an offense and subsequent disfellowshipping, is their written direction of such? Is it in the elder's manual (I did not see it), or in a letter from The Branch?

  Now, I'm not saying I don't personally feel it would be appropriate to send such a letter to the victimized ex-spouse, but, I dont' really see how the organization could mandate such a thing based on Scripture.
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  Violia

  I'm not an elder but will tell you I have seen a number of cases like you describe . The congos I recall this happening in kept them DF as long as they could for SPITE. Many of the brothers/sisters would love to dump their mates ( so blast if they have to stay with someone they hate, so do You) so the congo has felt It has to take a really strong stance on this.They want to put the fear of God in you and let all know that you are thinking of doing this, well, you may do it but they will get even with you. That is why so many couples move if they do this. One I know about included the DF brother could never have privileges, including mikes, until his first wife died or committed adultery in some way, remarrying or whatever.

  It is one of the nastier offenses , esp if the couple remarry and stay in the same KH that the divorced mate is in.

  The requirement for restatement is repentance. how long you are DF depends on the level of SPITE in your cong.. this is one of those crime's where they tell you they will reinstate you but only Jehovah can forgive you and they read the scripture how Jehovah hates a divorce . So this sort of gives them the right to sub their nose at you even if they reinstate you.
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  dontplaceliterature

  Violia

  I can't say that I've seen this happen more than on this occasion, but I can definitely see the SPITE that exisits in the congregation.

  No one likes the victimized husband. He is a reptile. Still, the congregation talks about the offending pair WORSE THAN DOGS. They shouldn't be talking about it at all, but honestly, I can't blame the two that committed adultry. Sure, it was kind of a crummy way to go out.

  She should have divorced her husband first before sleeping around on him, if she intended to leave him anyway. I can't imagine the embarassment of having been "cheated on". However, it is common knowledge that their marriage was a mess, and that he was completely insensitive, unloving, unromantic, unthoughtful, and backward homebody. She is adventurous, fun loving, and spirited. Worst possible combination ever. He married her when she was young and dumb, and she finally got up the nerve to go out on him. She just went about it the wrong way. Fo' sho'.

  I told my mom that the only reason they were still disfellowshipped was because of the notoriety of the offense, and that it had nothing to do with forgiveness/repentance. The only reason they have not been reinstated yet is because certain self-righteous people in the congregation would make an issue out of it.

  Loving organization, right?
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  willyloman

  No, there's nothing in the book about it. Your mother is speculating, passing on gossip she's surely heard out in the car group in FS.

  The elders may take a very long time to reinstate because spouse swapping in whatever form it takes is viewed as particularly heinous in the JW organization.
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  PublishingCult

  A brother and sister from my parents congregation committed adultry with one another. He was single, she was married to another brother in the same hall. Her husband divorced her. The two offenders were disfellowshipped, but promptly re-married one another and have been attending meetings ever since. Approximately 2 years has passed, and as far as I know, they have not missed a beat meeting attendence wise.

  I knew a couple like this in just about every congregation I've ever attended.

  But to answer your question, and I am not an elder, but I know for a fact that such a request is not Scriptural. I think writing letters of apology to the offended ex-spouses would be the appropriate thing to do, but should not be imposed as a condition of reinstatement.
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  inbetween

  The only thing I can think of, why it takes long: The gravity of the offense, it was obviously not a momentary weakness, but rather a schemed way out of a marriage. Some sort of wicked intent, therefore the punishment must be more severe as well. (disfellowshipping is some kind of punishment, although never admitted officially)
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  Violia

  BS in between. adultery is adultery. The scheming thing only matters if the cheated on mate is considering forgiveness. Even then, that is usually how adultery takes place. yes folks get hurt but that's life. it should be " to death do us part and in sickness and health" but it is often not.

  The way jws handle this is just a nasty evil " get back' to those who get a divorce. Some of them want to end their marriages too, but can't. they are such hypocrites it makes me barf.

  I vividly recall a Co looking down my blouse while we were out in service. yes fine upstanding folks but looked at another way- he was human. Please don't interpret this as I am condoning adultery, I am not. But marriages end and adultery happens. Even jws have to deal with reality.

  that part about sending a letter to the offended spouse is a nice thought but that is just someones idea. No rules on that.
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  hotspur

  The whole thing stinks! I've seen it happen so often - things won't change until elders realise they have an accounting for their judgemental attitutdes. (I'm only stating their rules - I refused to live by them)

  In my situation, I was disfellowshipped for adultery. But, this was after I found out my ex-wife had managed to hide the secret that our youngest daughter wasn't in fact mine. This secret was held for 14 years. The irony of all this is my mother can't/doesn't/won't speak to me but can have a conversation with my ex because she was never 'punished'. Go figure?

  I'm so glad I'm out of all this - now to get to grips with the shunning debacle. Some hope! I've been remarried for 3 years now and my gorgeous new wife has never met my sister and yet they have so much in common. I hate it all!
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  inbetween

  Viola:

  BS in between. adultery is adultery. The scheming thing only matters if the cheated on mate is considering forgiveness. Even then, that is usually how adultery takes place. yes folks get hurt but that's life. it should be " to death do us part and in sickness and health" but it is often not.

  adultery may be adultery, but the process of handling it, depends largely on the repentance shown. If no initial repentance, df results. For reinstatement, once more, the measure of repentance is the decisive factor. In the case, mentioned above, genuine repentance will be questioned for a longer time as usual. Viola, let me ask you, did you handel such cases in the past ? You seem very sure of your opinion !!
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  sizemik

  I have been out for about 7 years and not kept up with the Org at all . . . . I did however, very recently encounter a DF'd sister (slander) who had been asked by re-instatement BOE to write letters to victim, as well as 5 other "witnesses", as a pre-requisite for re-instatement. Sister complied and was re-instd 3 months later. There could well have been a letter in the interim years?

  Luvonyall - MS