by Nickolas 43 Replies latest jw friends
I did change terms or marriage when i woke up.. We are both born in's and im the one who has changed..
Freewill, means that some people will never leave the KH- Many, many JWs, won't accept any evidence that destroys their belief in the WT dogma of a New System of Things, New Order- whatever they call it, they will hang on to the stubborn end.
Yeah. Cognitive dissonance. One of my many JWN learnings.
Good night.
I'm not in the immediate situation but do understand since I have similar issues myself.
For the JW they will stay because of their obligation to the watchtower society and Jehovah and of course the family itself. If its the man who is the JW he may loose his prominanace in the congregation as well.
For the non-Jw partner, they don't have the support of the WTS unless they decide to join - but if you analyse your situation carefully it may be due to your own co-dependancy, or fear of not finding someone better, or simply apathy - it's all too hard to leave.
The situation would be no different if one partner was addicted to alchohol, or had a terminal condition, or belonged to any other fanatical religous cult.
Being in a dysfunctional relationship soley for the kids is tanatmount to martomdom and suffering of personal abuse of one's self.
If your not happy, I can't see that the rest of the family would be happy, as feelings can be contagious.
nickolas, I stay because in our relationship we are working toward respecting each other's separatness.
labmik you raise some interesting issues that mixed marriages would have to face - a chief one being as you point out that "If its the man who is the JW he may loose his prominanace in the congregation as well" . This was a huge issue for me but nowadays I think of it as that all of us have at some time to face our vulnerabilites and when we do we are truly living.
As to co-dependency - this is a valid thought. Mind you my husband and I have become more independent as a result of holding different opinions.
as to alcohol addiction - I would definitely leave if my husband became addicted to alcohol and if he did not seek help that enabled him to stop being addicted. I simply would not tolerate having to put up with my children tiptoeing around him. So yes if my husband became so wrapped up in his jw beliefs that he completely lost his ability to reason and became very very self centered and destructive as one would if one became an alcoholic - I would definitely consider leaving him.
Being in a dysfunctional relationship soley for the kids is tanatmount to martomdom and suffering of personal abuse of one's self. If your not happy, I can't see that the rest of the family would be happy, as feelings can be contagious. |
I think this would need to be evaluated as I believe that some unhappiness is good for the soul - it means we are human. But I think it is important to assess whether or not the unhappiness is causing actual irrevocable harm. In my family there are tensions and there is suffering I guess but these are not damaging to that extent imo.
thank you labmik for raising these issues.
OHHHH dear Nicholas!!! my heart goes out to you. Brings me back to the years when my husband and I were in the same situation. Him, fully understanding what watchtower truly was. Me, staunch, devoted pioneer. How many times i threatened to leave him, if he became an "apostate". Being an apostate was equal to being the devil with me.
He stuck around....he did suffer in silence and later physically too. But eventually I figured things out too. Be patient...your wife will see things for what they are.
For now--try not focus of what could have been or should have been. Concentrate on the now and try to find something in your day to find joy. Don't let Watchtower ruin your internal joy.
Thank you for that, wannaexit. Very much appreciated.
as to alcohol addiction - I would definitely leave if my husband became addicted to alcohol and if he did not seek help that enabled him to stop being addicted. I simply would not tolerate having to put up with my children tiptoeing around him. So yes if my husband became so wrapped up in his jw beliefs that he completely lost his ability to reason and became very very self centered and destructive as one would if one became an alcoholic - I would definitely consider leaving him.
Chicken and egg. I am cognisant of consuming more alcohol when my mind goes to the subject of the OP. My doctor advises that my usual level of consumption is not a health risk, but she also advises that periodically consuming alcohol to numb one's emotions is self medication that can lead to abuse and attendant health issues if the emotional issue is not held in check. After all this time I know it's not going to happen to me, but if I got to the point of alcohol abuse it might be me who is faced with the same decision you're referring to, Curtains. Again, not my situation, but if it's your spouse who's driving you to drink excessively, on who's shoulders does the problem belong? Is it not both?
nickolas, I think each person needs to take responsibilty for themselves. I think alcoholism drives itself and I simply don't believe that a person or situation can drive a person to alcoholsim but then again I don't have much experience in this field. However I would put my children before my husband if he became alcoholic. And if he decided to blame me for his alcoholism then this would be an even stronger incentive for me to leave - and he would prolly be happy to see me go
This is a bit of a tangent from the OP, but interesting enough to prolong for a little while, Curtains. The common situation is two people married to one another who are polarised with respect to their belief systems and how that affects their lives together. Where we may not be the same is the sentiment expressed in your last statement above. The end of our marriage would be devastating to both my wife and me, so neither one of us would be happy in the circumstance. If, to extend the hypothetical, a husband becomes so obsessed with the divide that separates him from his wife that he takes to drinking excessively, the most logical perspective for the wife would be to urge him to seek counselling rather than threaten to leave him. The next most logical thing might be for her to consider closing the divide in some way, compromise, to get her man off the booze. The problem is not that each partner believes something different, it's that they are living their lives in ways that are incompatible. Back to my particular circumstance, my wife would need only give ground in a few key areas, far less than I have had to compromise myself over the years, to close the divide. It is when there is no further room for compromise that marriages go south.
agreed - and to repeat
| I would definitely leave if my husband became addicted to alcohol and if he did not seek help that enabled him to stop being addicted. |
and I'll add that part of seeking help would be to consider marriage counselling for both of us.
edit: but I'm not sure what to say about your own situation.
I left the cult and left my wife 6 months later. She wasn't content to let me exercise my own freedom of/from religion without constantly barking at me, and I wasn't content to be a second class citizen in my own home. I might have stuck it out, but I had reason to believe she was planning to leave me anyway, and was just waiting for my mom to die first so she could get her hands on my inheiritance. She was just asking too many questions about what I was planning to do with the money once my mother "finally kicks off" (her words). I was offended by her attitude towards my family the entire 16 years we were married, and I was determined that she would never benefit from another cent of my parents' money.
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