I was a born-in like so many others here. I went with the flow my whole life, but I can honestly say my relationship with "god" pretty much ceased to exist when I entered my teens. I got baptised, thinking it would all eventually sort itself out. well, it didn't. I got tired of the exclusion...at the Kingdom Hall as well as at school. I didn't fit in anywhere. Going door-to-door was misery for me. I was always afraid I'd run into someone who would want to argue and I didn't feel like I was good enough, mentally strong enough, to refute any objections. I was always told "Oh, Jehovah's Holy Spirit will give you the words!"...never happened.
After a while of defending my religion against nay-sayers, I started to really think about what they were saying...could those things be true? So I started looking, really searching, discreetly. I found Freeminds, as well as some other sites, and the experiences I read knocked me on my ass. Along with a few articles that gave the overview of what a cult is...the puzzle pieces started clicking into place. I was scared. I had grown up in this, my parents were both JW's, hell I MARRIED into it as well...my ex husband's family were mostly JW's. I was in deep doo-doo if anyone found out.
I tried more than once to fade, but having a nutjob zealot for a husband didn't help matters at all. I started with lowering my service hours, skipped a meeting here and there and blamed it on having to stay home with the kids, etc. I got to the point where I hadn't attended any meetings or service in a couple of months...and then we got a Shepherding Call (or as I like to call it, a "Re-recruitment Meeting"), which I skipped out on. Eventually my husband found out about my "apostasy" and dragged my sorry ass to the elders. I was reproved. I tried making an effort again to be a JW, but you can't unring a bell. I knew too much. Eventually I tried fading again, we separated and divorced, I tried getting back into it AGAIN just because I wanted to be SURE...no regrets, ya know? But once they made yet another generation change AND it was such a weak and addle-brained explanation, I decided I would be a fool no more. I began slowly fading, blaming my job...then I went to the DC last summer, heard the bullhonky for myself, and quit altogether. I went to one more meeting, but I had to walk out halfway through and stand outside. It literally made me ill.
Now I am almost fully faded. I haven't been to a meeting since the first Sunday of July. I refuse. I know the Memorial is coming up and I really couldn't care less. I know my parents will ask me to go. I know the elders are going to try to come around and invite me (they keep trying to catch me at home and when they do, I always tell them I'm busy and send them away). Not gonna happen. I'm officially DONE.
