After Reinstatement

by NewChapter 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  NewChapter

  I never had anyone close to me d'fd when I was still in my jw daze. But I know that once it happens, good friends are crushed and desperately want that person reinstated. When they are reinstated, there is a lot of (quiet) celebration. But afterwards, friendships just never seemed to truly recover. It looked like the df process ruined the friendships even after reinstatement.

  Was that a false impression or were freindships still broken after reinstatement? Any stories? And if they were still broken, I wonder if it was because the freindship had been interrupted or because the reinstated one can't forget the sting of shunning. Or any other reason---still looking for stories
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  cyberjesus

  cuz you are a sinner.
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  ProdigalSon

  I think the shunning leaves a bad taste in everybody's mouth. It's a wake-up call that the friendship is and always was conditional upon being in good standing with a publishing cult.
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  Mad Sweeney

  It is also a result of three indoctrinated things: fear of DFing and DFd people, lack of empathy and compassion, and the concept that to be DFd one must be a truly evil and unrepentant sinner against Jehovah.

  How are they supposed to fully and completely forgive someone with all that going on? They don't even know how.
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  Hoffnung

  "afterwards, friendships just never seemed to truly recover. It looked like the df process ruined the friendships even after reinstatement."

  This also my experience. I think the fear of attaching themselves too strong to somebody who once "left", is putting a strain on relationships (he could do it again). It should not be forgotten that the R&F believe that only unrepentant ones get DF'ed, that the punishment is deserved. They will never know how far away this is from reality.

  From the reinstated point of view, I also have to say that the shunning by family and friends is not easy to forget either. Being confronted with the fact that their love is conditional, is holding me back from getting too close with them as well.
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  NewChapter

  Yeah, now that some SEEM to be informally shunning me, I just can't get over how conditional our friendships had been. I mean, until it happens, it is hard to understand. They always quoted that scripture about friends sticking closer than brothers, and I really viewed it that way. Until now. Even if they were talking to me, the gap between us has grown too much to really be good friends. Most of them will spend the rest of their lives saying goodbye to friends they loved.
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  EmptyInside

  When I was in my teens and a friend of mine was disfellowshipped,I was quite crushed. I was very happy when she was reinstated. But, it wasn't the same,mainly because we were at different places in our lives. I was still the naive pioneer,and she had a baby and was a single,young mother.

  She eventually got disfellowshipped again,and I recently got in contact with her. And it is nice catching up,but it will never be the same,mainly because we were so young when we were friends.
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  Pitchess Co-Gen

  I think the shunning leaves a bad taste in everybody's mouth. It's a wake-up call that the friendship is and always was conditional upon being in good standing with a publishing cult.

  @ProdigalSon

  It definitely left a bad taste in my mouth .lol . I didn't realize that all the friendships I made over the years were really conditional. But when I come back Im going to help change it from within.
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  NewChapter

  But when I come back Im going to help change it from within.

  I'm not sure exactly what you mean, but the WT cannot be reformed. They aren't like a local church. With them, you either believe exactly as they do, or you can leave. It is a shame that years of effort to build strong friendships can be cast out like garbage by these people, but you won't change how things are run.

  We may know intellectually that our friendships are conditional, but we don't really get it until we lose them. I will never be close to the friends that are shunning me informally--no matter what happens. MAYBE if they left, but they are judgemental little bitches that don't even have to shun me. (I'm not df or da) I'm sure they feel justified. I'm sure their friends (conditional) support their decisions. I'll never make another friend that would walk away from me because someone told them to. Too much wasted time.
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  mamalove

  I do not think things can be back to normal right away. Maybe as time passes. DF people who then are reinstated always have that black mark on them that people can recall, think about and attribute any shortfall to. They love to judge.

  One of my friends shunning me, who actually happens to be DF herself wrote on an internet site something all inspiring like " when you judge another, you define yourself" and I thought, OMG, take some of your own advice!

  They are all brainwashed, it is the JW culture to be that way. Some are not like that, but many are.