For those that are and have been married,did the JW lifestyle aggravate "typical" marital and family problems?

by miseryloveselders 43 Replies latest jw friends

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  flipper

  MISERYLOVESELDERS- Great thread. Very timely. I was married for years ( 19yrs.) to a JW female who was absolutely a JW fanatic. Yes indeed - the JW lifestyle not only aggravated typical marital and family problems - it CAUSED many marital & family problems which might not have OCCURED if we weren't in the JW cult.

  The stress and tension which comes from having NO FREE TIME - is a huge negative effect of being a married couple in the JW's. The WT society keeps ALL Witnesses so busy that there is NO free time to pursue hobbies or interests as a married couple, pursuing fun times with wife OR children due to 5 meetings a week and weekly field service and weekly family studies. Then there is the personal studying with the children in WT publications. It's ridiculous. Married couple eat, breathe, sleep the meetings, service , and study. No time to sleep in Saturday or Sunday mornings. Nope. Couples are expected to be AT the Kingdom Hall by 9:00 A.M. or 9: 30 A.M.

  And the inimate sex relationship between married JW's ? If and when JW married couples even HAVE sex - it has to be quickies or we'll be " late to service ! " A real " lick and a promise ". ( No pun intended ) Of course with JW marriages there is no " lick " for males or females - if you get my drift. Because the elders and WT society instruct you on WHAT KIND of sex you and your marriage partner can have. Having oral sex perhaps once or twice in 19 years can make ANY man, woman of ANY religious belief get very cranky. So the amount of long term stress that builds up in a JW marriage is incalculable.

  Not to mention that JW men are told to be " heads " over their wives- which MANY JW men abuse and misuse that headship. Instead of looking at their female partner as an equal many JW men are trained to view them as a " weaker vessel " even metally and emotionally ! It's disgusting and barbaric. My wife wanted ME to reach out for elder, but I wanted to spend time with her and the 3 young children we had. My wife wanted to have an affair with Jehovah & the WT society - NOT me. That's when I REALLY knew where I stood in her view. Mercifully the marriage ended in 1998. Now in 2011I have a wonderful non-Witness wife who really SEES me for wHO I am , not who she WANTS me to be as my JW wife did.

  Anybody reading this who thinks they are stuck in a loveless JW marriage. You aren't stuck. You only THINK you're stuck. You can control your destiny. Nobody say you have to suffer forever. It's up to YOU what your future will be. No one else
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  Roski

  it'scrap&theyknowit -

  Either we were married to the same man or there are more that behave in the same way. The instances are too numerous to write about.

  I remember 'the elder/husband' telling me he couldn't take a child to the doors as he wouldn't be able to talk to the householder - so I took all three. It was difficult with two in a pram and one toddler, but I'd get into trouble because elder so-and-so said the kids weren't an example

  When they became teenagers it became intollerable. 'We' were the reason he wasn't re appointed as an elder in a new congregation - he didn't have 'freedom of speech' because his kids weren't perfect - actually they were doing nothing wrong at all. Around this time when my daughter was only 14 she visited a deaf sister, who had cancer, every day in hospital - even the day she died.

  The husband was just such a needy/greedy person for recognition I guess some of the elders couldn't help using 'position' as a stick and a carrot - power game. In the years after leaving, my son used to joke about Bloody Sunday - we all dreaded Sundays.

  He made it to elder again after the kids and I left. I only contacted him once after that to tell him that his son was seriously ill in hospital. He never bothered to call and my son died - not sure how he deals with that, but he's still an elder...guess he has 'freedom of speech' - if they're still buzz-words.
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  jamiebowers

  It has been my experience both as a child and adult under cult influence that the Watchtower destroys families. Children raised by jw parents learn early on that they will only be loved if they remain loyal to the Watchtower to death. Look at at the accounts of all the young people who "voluntarily" surrender their lives over the blood issue. Look at the many people on this board who, as adults, know the truth about the "truth" but stay in the cult to keep a relationship with their parents.

  Forgive me if this is too personal of a question, but how is it even possible to be sexually intimate with your husband after such emotional events earlier in the day?

  Imagine being obligated to have sex with a person who has just driven into oncoming traffic or toward a tree and then veered the car back on track just to terrorize you. Think about what it's like to feel pressured into having sex with the man who just hit, kicked or strangled you. Enough said.
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  WTWizard

  One thing I know is that taking 90% of the time and assets away from any couple is going to put tremendous strain. And it matters not whether the Rothschilds are taking the 90% away, or the Washtowel Babble and Crap Slaveholdery. When one is worried about money and/or always in a rush to get from one assignment to the next, and never gets a break, one is not going to enjoy anything.
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  life is to short

  When I got married I loved my husband so much it was unreal. I thought we would have this great marriage, we would both pioneer and everything would be prefect, I would be the prefect wife. The only thing is you can NEVER DO ENOUGH! NEVER.

  My husband was the only elder in the congregation at the time. I came from a very abusive family, never really had a father and was looking forward to having the family I never had as a child.

  Little did I know that I was marrying a married man. He was married to the religion, I was the second wife.

  One of his favorite saying to me was if you do not like this you should never have married an elder.

  Everyone came first over me. We never had dinner together as we lived 30 minutes from the hall and we were so tight on money that I had to make lunch and dinner and after all day in service we went back to hall and stayed there while he studied for the meetings. He was the school overseer, WT conductor, secretory, service overseer. All the friends dumped on him all the time and their problems and needs came frist in our marriage.

  I would answer the phone and be yelled if he was not home. One of the MS's wife got supper mad at me because we did not have the money for a phone the first couple of months of our marriage. She was beyond livid at me and asked me how stupid was I being an elders wife without a phone so my husband could take care of his elder duties. I was so hurt and blown away by her anger at me that I just starred at her not believing she wanted me to really answer her. She demanded to know again how STUPID was I. When I told her I guess I was really stupid as she clearly was not going to go away until I answered her, she said YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!! Oh she was pissed at me.

  When I told my husband he said he could not believe me. He said no JW would ever speak to anyone like that I must have made it all up.

  I am with Magwich and itcrape@theyknowit. The religion destroys marriages. Oh and being talked down to like you are a child, especially in front of other really builds up your love for your mate.

  My husband is truly not a bad man just so taken in by the religion. I finally was ready to walk and he know that I am one step away now. No I was not making up all the hatefulness from the other women. I was his wife, why would he stick up for women who treated his wife like crape. He just says they were always so nice and sweet to him. Of course they were he was the only elder.

  I truly believe without this religion our marriage would have been great. To me the religion destroys marriages.

  LITS
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  JW GoneBad

  'On the flipside of that coin, is it possible that The Truth made your marriage more solid, or helped your family?'

  I know many Mormon families, tons of Catholic families & lots of families of other religions that have more solid families than JWs.

  Back In 1996 the Society came out with the book 'The Secret Of Family Happiness'. The first printing was 5 million copies. It is currently still offered in the field ministry. Given the high divorce rate & other related family problems among JW families, it is obvious that they are not following their own advice from the publications that they print meant to further happy family life.

  In my congregation I personally know of at least 7 families that are either currently going thru a divorce or are on the brink of one.

  JWs do not have a monopoly on happy family life, never have & never will. JWs are a pompous bunch. I know......... I'm one!

  Good topic.
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  life is to short

  JW Goon Bad

  You make a graeat point but JW are so loaded down with things to do that the family members snap.

  I know for my husband he was asked repeatedly asked to move to the hall where he would be he only elder by the CO.The CO put tons of guilt on him. Finally he moved over.

  Then we got married and I even went to the CO and said hey look I am going crazy, we just got married and we never see each other. The CO said we were doing Jehovah's will soon the new system would be here and then we could have our marriage.

  Totally crazy.

  LITS
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  Magwitch

  Life is too short - I sure give you a lot of credit for sticking it out with that man. Very few women would have stayed!
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  Jadeen

  I think a big part of the problem is the young age of people getting married. In the congo that I grew up in, quite a few guys in their 20's ended up marrying women that had just graduated high school. These women never lived on their own, never learned to manage a household or money, and were just not mature. Several of these guys told me privately that while they loved their wives, they wished that they had waited a few years to marry them.

  Of course, that alone would cause stress in a marriage, but then add in trying to look like the "perfect couple" and doing all the things Witnesses are supposed to, how can problems not be magnified?
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  itscrap&theyknowit!

  Anybody reading this who thinks they are stuck in a loveless JW marriage. You aren't stuck. You only THINK you're stuck. You can control your destiny. Nobody say you have to suffer forever. It's up to YOU what your future will be. No one else. Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  @MR.FLIPPER - Thank you, so much for that GREAT "peace" of advice!!! I say "peace" because that is what it is...PEACE OF MIND! We are taught as Witnesses that the only way out of marriage is adultery or death. It amazes me to see the sisters with sad and forlorn faces, who are depraved of their husbands ture love because of this all-consuming cult. I have seen sisters who change their work schedules at their jobs to evening shifts JUST SO THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO ATTEND MEETINGS! Of course, the husband who is an elder MAKES HER COME OFF THAT SCHEDULE OR QUIT HER JOB ALTOGETHER!!!!!! I was one of those sisters!!!

  20 years of marriage just to be divorced...AND CAN'T STAND THE AIR THAT THIS PERSON BREATHES TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH YOU??????? It's time to divorce. We live together as 'roommates' for the sake of our kids. But, that has gotten old because he STILL wants to monitor who I'm out with, choose my friends, make sure I'm not with any dis-fellowshipped people or even just trying to see if I've committed adultery along the way.

  It is a horrible existence. Our kids notice it. I want to be in love again. It's time for me to finalize my marriage.

  But, then he says, "If you divorce me and we have no grounds, you will leave me in lingo as not to marry again." I looked at him and told him to continue screwing the sister he secretly has been seeing and the female at his job....you'll be just fine!