Randy Newman might say, in this moment, "I was on top of the world, actually had money in my pocket. I was living the life, finally about to be free. When from out of the sky, like a bomb, comes some little cult with a Watchtower, and then all of a sudden, some strange things are happening to me."
Moving on, had to get that out of my head, um...so. Hi. I feel like this is the worst time to be writing anything, as I'm in a rather foul mood today. It snowed just enough around here to be annoying, not enough to get a day off from work. But hey, plenty of folks would've had to go anyway. What're ya gonna do?
My mother-in-law is getting baptized tomorrow. I just found out somewhat recently. We rarely ever talked, even before I got compromised as a double agent. She has every reason to sign up. Instant friends, sense of direction and meaning. My wife is in it. Why not, right? I feel a little guilty, as if I could've done something to prevent it, but I couldn't. I started this whole situation with living a lie, and fornicating, and trying to sweep it all under the rug by getting married. I lost all credibility once I started making stupid mistakes.
My wife asked me last night if I was going to attend the circuit assembly, to see her mom get baptized. I admit I was thinking about it. But that troubles me. My last recent visit to the Kingdom Hall left me with very powerful emotions to sort through. And most of all, a yearning for worship and for a spiritually united family. But I can't have a spiritually united family without selling my soul and compromising my values. I never claimed to be a good person or a 'holy one'. I'm just a man, and as too many here are aware, not much of one.
Attending a full day of indoctrination would be at the very least, a waste of time and at the very most, potentially dangerous. Letting them reach into my head and attempt to access and activate the Borg subroutines could be a serious threat. It's difficult to have a sense of...a fullness of life as it is now. I don't feel right, and I'm trying to maintain order in my heart and my head without falling over the edge and really just...becoming something I'm not ready to face. Being human has consistently been unacceptable for me, even now, after all that I know.
Today is especially poignant for me. It was 13 years ago on this day that the first girl I ever really fell for rejected me in no uncertain terms, and...it was 13 years ago yesterday that I tried to kill myself and perhaps, perhaps was somewhat close to succeeding. It highlighted my weakness, my desire to have my worth validated by a female. The same mistake seems to have repeated itself and reached its most notorious iteration in the form of my wife. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps...I really just wanted someone who would treat me like I treated myself. I think, at least, I finally found her. Strange as it is, perhaps I love her far more than I know, because she uncovers more and more of the things I hate most about myself and shows them to me for what they are. She holds up a mirror and shows me what I have always seen and known to be true all along. That I am not a good person, that I'm...I've become in reality what I always was in my heart, a monster. A weak one, spineless, selfish, cowardly. But still a monster.
Last night, I asked her if she had a program for the circuit assembly. She gave me one--I didn't realize they were passing them out in local congregations now, is that an organization-wide thing?--but I took a look. "You Are No Part of the World" is the theme. I was disappointed. I feel like that's the theme EVERY year. Although the theme is quoting Jesus, only ONE of the talks on the program even mentions Jesus in its theme. And that's the talk geared towards the public. I had to strain my eyes to find it, even though it's in bold. Why are true Christians neglecting to use the name of Jesus as the theme of their parts on the program? I just don't get it. Oh, right, as they would say in a baseball stadium, duh-duh-DUH-duh-duh! CULT!
Anyway, I looked down at the floor, beneath the glass table. It was stained with...Kool-Aid? Milk? All of the above? It had been there for maybe three days and my wife hadn't cleaned it up, even though she's been at home all week, except yesterday when she went out in field service. Not to mention that we had to waste more resources to buy dinner because she didn't have time to cook because...you guessed it, field service.
I've wanted to avoid saying anything needlessly negative about her simply because, well...we kind of had an unfortunate flaming incident on Facebook where she hijacked my account and indicated that I was telling everyone how much I hated her. I've said some admittedly foolish things, but I never meant to make it seem like I don't think she's a good woman. I value what she does in the home and understand that it's not easy to take care of a toddler and cook and clean all by herself.
But to be sure, this was a moment where I felt I had to do something, as I saw a roach crawl across the floor into that sticky stuff. I guess I just assumed that my wife would take care of that instead of taking action as I should have days ago. The roach was a sign that things had gotten too out of hand and if I didn't act now, inaction would result in problems for all of us. Of course, she didn't particularly like the way I was doing the mopping, which would be fine if she was going to do it herself, I guess. But it's done, and there's no more stains under the table. That's all I wanted. Beats feeding bugs, right? That would've been the alternative.
It was somewhat irritating, but...look, my wife DOES mop the floors every so often, and she DOES cook dinner on most nights. She is normally pretty good at keeping things clean. I respect her efforts in this regard, so this one isolated incident doesn't mean much in the long run. If anything, I wanted to contribute to keeping things clean, as I'd been doing by washing the dishes and cleaning off the table and countertops and sweeping the floors on most nights of the week. I do take offense when she is in good health and doesn't prepare a meal for us, and it doesn't have to include any arcane ingredients to qualify as a meal, mind you. I only say that because I went through the effort of buying food from the grocery store so that she could prepare it. Eating out would cost us $10-$12 or more, and eating in would cost us maybe $4 or even less, really.
These are really quite minor matters and I don't bring them up to highlight her faults or mistakes, maybe just to blow off steam because I'm in a bad mood, I don't know. I think she's just excited about the assembly and distracted by it. Her congregation is hosting the district and circuit overseers this week, so...guess that's why she went out in field service, which she almost never does during the week despite not working. Sorry.
Um...at least we got to go to the thrift store last night. They were showing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II on VHS on one of the TV/VCR combos. I'm impressed that there are so many VCRs still around, but I'm pretty sure I've not been reduced to VHS-level yet. There was a lovely leather office chair on sale for $15. Might be nice to get it, just to have a chair that no elder has gifted to my wife and then told her to tell me not to sit in it in my own home. Okay, that's a story I won't tell here....
I think I'll go back for that chair, clean it up, maybe. Heck of a lot better than sitting on that stool to use the computer. But then, that'll upset her collective feng-shui, is it? I don't know. Whatever.
I just skimmed over the study article for this weekend. It was kind of the final straw. It just sickens me to read counsel about not using devious methods or hiding things from the elders. I mean, coming from people who use their position to hide their serious faults and then punish people wo find out, that's like...I mean, even the government has more accountability than that. Then again, who elected the Governing Body, after all? Dumb comparison.
I guess...maybe I ought to do more to help my wife out. I mean...she wants me to do what I think I'd need two of me to accomplish. But I can still do better with just the one.
I remember the days when I couldn't breathe without her. I only wish there wasn't so much confusion about what to do. There was a time, perhaps a few months ago, when we had a terrible fight and she was going to leave. I guess she went out in field service the next day and they must've talked her into reconsidering--or at least making sure it was my decision to separate instead of hers so she could have plausible deniability. I'd even called a lawyer to ask about divorce law and all that. But I decided not to, and in time, I decided to try and stick it out. It's not like anyone chose this for me, I chose it myself. I spent years waiting to get her back and I don't want all that to be for nothing. Although, for me, it's not nothing, it could be never be nothing. Even if she'd left then, I would've cherished and missed the times we shared. She'd take all the life and love and energy of the home with her if she ever left. And all I could do would be to turn up the noise of various gadgets and movies and books to try and drown out that reality, like I did before, with the religion. But I couldn't keep that up forever.
I just wish I didn't have any feelings. I hate having feelings. My sentimentality and weakness are what created all this. I just want her to feel like she is worth a lot to me, and yet I seem to keep finding ways to hurt her at every turn. She told me that she thought I married her because I knew I would be unhappy. I hate to say that there are many sides to me, each with their own reasons for marrying her, and that yes, that was one of the reasons. But it wasn't the best reason. There weren't that many good reasons because there didn't need to be. I suffered through a process of waking up from an illusion that I deeply loved, and I was willing to enter it again for her. I may not like some things she does or says or whatever, but I love her just as she is.
Tomorrow's a big day for her, I'm sure she'll be happy. I'm in such a foul mood today and worn out from the week and last night's shoveling my parking space out. But...I guess I have to sort out how to handle this. I think, even if I go to the assembly, with just me and my Bible, I know I'll come out just fine. I am reading it more and more and learning more and more these days. Been reading Revelation lately. I'm glad to realize that the bowls of anger and the trumpet blasts have nothing to do with Watchtower literature from the 1920s. I'm really not sure how I ever believed that in the first place. I don't think I really paid that much attention, it was kind of like my brain would go all static when they'd say stuff like that.
Well...on the other hand....I do want to see how 'Caprica: Season 1.5' ends. And maybe even watch 'Takers' and 'Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps'. I'd very much rather do that than waste valuable time hearing things I know are built on a shaky foundation. There was something else. Hmm. Well, I guess Natalie Portman's new movie 'No Strings Attached' is probably not something my wife would be thrilled about me seeing. The subject matter is rather anti-marriage, at least on its face. Perhaps 'The Green Hornet' if I do go to a theater. But I don't really want to blow money on a theater, I can't spare it. Renting is just smarter.
Hmm. So, let's see. I'd like to thank everyone who said it like it is in the past. Especially kurtbethel. His advice was the best. But...at least in this timeline, got to ride the ship through whatever uncharted waters are ahead.
I guess this one will result in me getting flamed or whatever. I suck, okay? I know that. Whatever. I'm just talking about what's on my mind, that's all.
I saw a JW in the subway station the other day. He actually said hi to me. I can't figure how he doesn't know about me, so maybe he just doesn't care. He was a smart one from an early age, just like his parents, so maybe he already knows. I hope so. Nice guy, too. I think there was a JW who used to visit my old Book Study group who greeted me unknowingly in the thrift store awhile back. I saw her again as I was waiting in front of the KH for my wife and she stared at me like she'd just figured out I was a serial killer or something and walked on past. I can just imagine what my old group overseer must've said to her. Now there's a guy who was instrumental in helping me realize how much I hated the legalism of this religion.
(sigh) Feeling a weight on my chest. This is my last safe haven to just unload my stupid, idiotic thoughts. Yes, I know it's the Internet. Big whoop. Nobody cares. Who's going to read all this stuff? You? God, I hope not.
--sd-7