ExJWs and NonJWs Ask: Should I Try to Change My Mate?

by pirata 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  garyneal

  I guess I thought that since I could listen to reason and agree with them on certain things, I could expect the same back from my spouse.

  NOPE

  It is frustrating to say the least but it does illustrate the two personalities inside every cultist. I just wasn't aware of them before. It has also opened my eyes to the fear tactics present in the beliefs I was taught and I have been reexamining them too.

  I have been refraining from speaking about the religion. I just recently told her that I did not want religion to divide us but I did want our faith in God to unite us. I find it amazing that we supposedly read the same Bible, worship the same God, and yet my religion and hers calls each other false. The Christian religion needs to grow up.
• 

  GLTirebiter

  "If he does not listen even to the congregation [which was obliged to disfellowship him], let him be to you just as a man of the nations and as a tax collector [to Jehovah's sanctified nation]."

  Oh, how they mutilate that passage with their insertions! They take a message of charity, and twist it into an excuse to treat your spouse like a household fixture! First, let's read it without the WT modifications (Matt 18:17 from NJB):

  But if he refuses to listen to these, report it to the community; and if he refuses to listen to the community, treat him like a gentile or a tax collector.

  Ask yourself: did Jesus treat the gentiles? How did Jesus treat the tax collectors? He dined with them, He showed them love and charity, He forgave. That is exactly what loving spouses do: they love, they are kind, they forgive, and then forgive some more--because they know they themselves are far from faultless, so their partner is forgiving them too. Without that mutual love and forgiveness, resentment would suffocate the marriage.
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  jgnat

  All great thoughts.

  Band, I had to smile when you put the D in dysfunction. I think my manipulative mother made me immune to the Kingdom Hall charms. As soon as the "well-meaning sisters" tried to guilt me in to regular attendance, all defences were up. I can "support" my husband just fine, thank you, without joining his delusion! Not that I told them that. I gave them the enigmatic smile I reserve for in-laws and nosy parkers.

  I recall the grief of the sisters concerning their husbands. Do you look forward to Armageddon when your beloved will die horribly?

  I regularly poke holes in hubby's assumptions, as a gentle reminder to be human. I regale him with tales of paradise, the fruit trees that will be in our orchard, the fluffy white dog, yadda yadda. He hasn't had the heart (or the guts) to contradict my expectation that I will always be at his side. It's my way of interrupting the steady flow of cultist dogma circulating in his head.
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  pirata

  *bump* for any others who are/were in the situation of living with an mate of different beliefs, and how they best make it work.
• 

  Paralipomenon

  I'd say try to remember why you married them. Hopefully they aren't just a trapped mind you feel obligated to free. If your spouse tollerates your not being a witness, I think it's only fair to tollerate them being one.

  Matching an "informal witness" with one of your own is good advice as well. Getting your spouse out of the organization should be a goal not the purpose.
• 

  pirata

  Mickey mouse posted this video in another thread regarding how a Mormon Couple survived a rift in faith. Definitely worth a watch.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr3JYFX1Czg
• 

  Crisis of Conscience

  Thanks for sharing the video above pirata. The situation of the couple reminds me of what I've gone through and am going through now.

  It's not terrible, and my wife has admitted that it has gotten easier for her after some time now. But a crisis in faith can definitely put a rift in a marriage.

  I don't push to have my wife change her views. I only hope. But I stress the importance of research and often let her know that I am just trying to be honest with myself. The JW's do not have the truth, and so I can longer support their beliefs.

  CoC