I'm not the biggest fan of Depeche Mode, but a couple of their albums were actually ok. There's one track by them I've always loved called, "Strangelove" from their Music For the Masses album, and the lyrics remind me of my own thought process at times. The lead vocalist sings at one point, "I give in, to sin, because you have to make this life livable." You ever feel like that? Like this life is so miserable that you justify certain behavior for the sole reason that you're owed something for all your troubles in this existance? I'm not questioning this from only the JW born in perspective, but also for anyone who has faith in a God that demands a moral code. For instance, I enjoy boxing, and occasionally MMA. I would have loved to box for a living. I just think its a beautiful art requiring alot of talent, grit, heart, and physique. But it bugs my conscience because lets be real, its violence for the entertainment of people. Granted, its not quite as bad as watching Roman gladiators in the coliseum, but its close enough to question it. People have even died from participating in the sport, see Ray Mancini vs. Duk Koo Kim. I'm under the impression Jesus probably wouldn't watch a boxing match over a six pack of Heineken and mild buffalo wings. At the most, maybe if we ran out of beer, he could miraculously make some more.
This past Saturday, I tossed that reasoning aside temporarily, so I could watch the Bernard Hopkins vs. Jean Pascal fight. I'm a Hopkins fan, and it thrilled me to see him at age 45, school Pascal. The fight was wrongly determined to be a draw. While I didn't agree with the decision made by two out of the three judges, I was still satisfied by Hopkin's performance. For a 45 year ol man, Hopkins still whoops ass. I was on a high from Saturday to as far as Monday evening because of watching that fight. I was even feeling good at the Sunday meeting. The speaker who under any other circumstances would be bland to me, was exceptional. I thought his talk was worthy of raising my hands to chest level and clapping. The WT Study was even tolerable. I never ventured out in the lobby to shoot the breeze, and even participated more than once! Looking back on it, I feel that I needed to watch that fight. I needed something other than alcohol and pills to take the edge off of me. What bothers me, is that I'm not really that bothered by my actions. I feel that it was necessary.
Last night, I rationalized again. There's a couple folks that are under the weather so to speak. So last night on the way home from work, I stopped at a CVS and got a couple of greeting cards to give to them when I go see them. I don't know if you can relate to what I'm about to type, but have you noticed that when you're browsing through the greeting cards aisles, the reality of being a JW has a stronger impact than typical? The far majority of the categories of greeting cards consist of holidays, celebrations, and moments viewed poorly by the WT. There's only a few categories that are JW appropriate. Most are for birthdays, Christmas, or other holidays. Even graduation cards have limited value in WT land since a college education is tantamount to grieving the Holy Spirit. While browsing through the cards, I got irritated, and the straw that broke the camel's back was when I got noticed the cards related to romance. I'm single, and somedays I'm all too aware of my status. Not to sound arrogant, but I can go get a JW gal, but I'm hesitant to do that as I don't know how long I'm planning on hanging around this religion. It wouldn't be fair to her or mysef. The posts and threads here by those aware of the problems with this religion but still have spouses mentally in makes me all the more resolute to not get involved with a JW female. So some days my need for the affection of a woman becomes overwhelming.
There's a woman I'm attracted to who works at a nearby restaraunt near the office building I'm in. I'm at times clueless when a woman is giving me the go-ahead. They have to make it painfully obvious to me before I get it. Well, this girl has given me the go-ahead and there's nothing to doubt. One of the cards I purchased was a Thank You card which I intended to give to her, along with a gift card to The Olive Garden which she told me is her favorite restaraunt. I believe she was giving me an opening, and under normal circumanstances, I would have asked her out. Now I'm hesitating because I don't want to give her mixed signals. It might be inappropriate for me to give her the card, but considering its the holiday season, I'm thinking I can give this to her under the guise of me just being in the spirit. She knows I'm a JW, and at first I thought she just found me somewhat intriguing kind of the same way we find strange looking fish on the Discovery Channel. She asked me the typical questions nonJWs throw at JWs, but our conversations as of late have extended beyond that. It's to the point that I'm rationalizing again. I purchased the gift card as a diplomatic approach so as to satisfy my desire to do something nice for her, without crossing the line that would potentially leave her hurt and me reproved, or worse.
1 Cor 7:39 is ringing in my head like a cowbell. I'm arguing with myself, "Marry only in the Lord Misery! Marry only in the... Oh shut up!! Do you want me to masturbate to thoughts of pioneers too since they're in the Lord?!?" This is deeper than watching a boxing match, but in principle its the same internal struggle. I'm thinking to myself, "I need this. I want this. I know its wrong, but what else do I have in this life? Field Service? Meetings? The Faithful and Discreet Slave? No, I need this! I owe it to myself!" Then I regain my senses, but the thought lingers. It reminds me of James 1:14,15 where he talks about desire giving birth to sin. So I have this card, and I'm tempted to give her the card, and a whole lot more, but I'm hesitating because of the consequences. I'm thinking maybe I should give the gift card to one of The Friends? Maybe a married couple in the hall? I don't know.
You ever have these conversations with yourself while still a JW? Or even if you've moved on to another faith, do you still have these struggles? Even if you're not of any particular faith, do you struggle with your own code of rights and wrongs? It's like a real life sililoquy. I had to google that word as I can never remember how to spell it.