Rudolph Reindeer III issued a statement this morning that has resulted in a great deal of controversy, but so far has prompted no comment or any official inquiries of any kind from law enforcement authorities.
"I am making this statement now, in the hopes that the Claus family will release the hold that these events have had on myself and my family for three generations. The time has long past for someone to stand up and speak out. Understand that I do this with great hesitation and considerable fear for the safety of my family, but with determination to see justice served.
"My grandfather, the original Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, wrote a detailed expose of Santa Claus' illegal and immoral activities in the North Pole. I believe that, once this information comes to light, he will be released from prison and allowed to see his family once more.
"Unfortunately, I lack my grandfather's skill with words. Brilliant as he was, my grandfather passed down by way of song what really happened. If you will permit me, I would like to sum up this unspeakable conspiracy in the form of traditional holiday music, as it is all we were exposed to while indoctrinated in Santa's community:
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a really shiny nose
As it turned out, he also
Had a knack for writing prose
Rudolph had witnessed Santa
Popping like a pound of speed
And then there's the fornication
With someone who's cheerleading
Rudolph wrote an expose
And ran it by the Mrs. Claus
Mrs. Claus then restated
Rudolph's non-disclosure clause
'Rudolph', the Mrs. stated,
'Why're you causing trouble here?
Did you eat from the wrong dinner?
'Cause my prescription drugs aren't here...'
Then one groggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
'Rudolph, you'll retract your lies,
Or your whole family dies tonight.'
Rudolph did not remember
Signing off all his book rights
To Santa Claus Corporation--
He was framed for homicide
A man working on a rooftop
By a reindeer was impaled
Dangling from Rudolph's antler
With a note that said 'I failed'
Rudolph got life in prison
And lived it out in misery
Santa denied involvement,
And thus the tale is history!"
Response from Santa Claus has been limited only to a statement from his lawyers. "Santa Claus loves both his wife and the entire family of loyal workers at the North Pole. He has honored all of them for many decades and was deeply saddened by Rudolph's incarceration in 1971. A thorough internal investigation of all allegations was conducted at that time, and Mr. Claus' character and activities have been corroborated by multiple witnesses. Law enforcement authorities also conducted their own independent investigation and found Rudolph guilty of first-degree murder. This was established in a court of law, and Mr. Claus and his family stand by and support our legal system."
Man-on-the-street public sentiment has resulted largely in backlash against Reindeer. "It's bad enough for people to claim that Santa doesn't exist, but now he's a pill-popping philanderer? Sometimes people, especially people whose parents were in the limelight, want attention for themselves, and they take it too far. I'll bet my money that Mr. Reindeer III is looking at child pornography and shooting up on heroin as we speak," says James Jones, a father of four. Joe Smith, a grandfather of three, said, "I grew up with stories about Rudolph, and not the kind you heard in them kiddie songs. And I know he was a booze-hound, from experience. When I met him, we partied together at Yale. He wasn't shy about the ladies, either, one on each antler. So it wouldn't surprise me he'd have a heck of an imagination. I hope he rots in that jail the rest of his life for trying to destroy my grandkids' dreams. Telling them the truth about Santa is MY job, not his." Wise words, perhaps, for us all.
When asked of photos that recently surfaced of Santa Claus spotted in various nightclubs with actresses Kirsten Dunst, Hayden Panettiere, Christina Milian, and Ashley Tisdale, Santa's representative declined to comment.
