(If you ever were) Was getting DF'ed a relief? Did you lose patience with 'the fade'?

by Sapphy 10 Replies latest jw friends

  • Sapphy
    Sapphy

    I was wondering about this.

    I'm doing a slow fade, I don't want to lose friends and family - but it's frustrating. Wasting time going to meetings etc when my heart and head isn't in it anymore. It feels like a game played by everyone elses rules but mine. I'm considering making a false confession about having committed fornication or something, on the basis that if I ever wanted to, it's easier to come back from a 'sex crime' than apostacy or a DA.

    So, did you get tired with 'fading'? Or did you get disfellowshipped on purpose? Was it a relief?

  • mamalove
    mamalove

    I am not sure you can have you cake and eat it too. A slow fade eventually turns into a full on, Where is Johnny? And then they will likely pursue you, especially if you were somewhat popular. That is just the way it is. Will your family still want you around if you are not going to meetings? They will do their utmost to get you back. So you might have to take a stand. You don't have to get DF'd, just quit going to meetings cold turkey. What can they do?

    Sure they will call you and want to know what is going on. I would just avoid as long as you can, make new friends, those worldly people are alot of fun I am telling you! It depends all on your make-up and what you can withstand as far as starting over. But it is so much better after. If you need help and support, PM me anytime!

  • blondie
    blondie

    There are "fades" and then there are "fades." A fade is meant to be a temporary period to allow you to position in your new life, new job perhaps, new area, new friends, to build a foundation for your new life. Then when your family avoids you despite your fade (10 years out for me and minimum contact with family, almost 0), you have an emotional, spiritual and physical base to support you. Very few will have the same relationship with an inactive person as they did before. They might "encourage" you to attend meetings, "not to leave Jehovah" but eventually they will give up.

    So use your time wisely. I have never confronted my family about my new ideas...a road that can lead to df'ing. When they are ready they will come to me.

    Love, Blondie

  • 3Mozzies
    3Mozzies

    I lost patience with 'the fade' after only one meeting!

    I was going to fade, but that one meeting made me sick, I left and never returned.

    I play by my rules, I don't need to DF or DA myself, That's their dorky rules, I still see my JW friends (ones that haven't dumped me) and I see all my JW family members.

    The freedom of still being able to see them and plant little seeds of doubts thrills me, helping them see the BS (little bit at a time) makes me so happy.

    I'm not going to leave the people I love in this Cancerous Religion without a fight.

    But every person leaves/handles this differently, or gets DF without asking for it.

    I would love to DA myself in the future.... once I've helped as many as possible.

    I'm considering making a false confession about having committed fornication or something, on the basis that if I ever wanted to, it's easier to come back from a 'sex crime' than apostacy or a DA.

    Why would you want to go back???

    That blows my mind, once you know it's all BS, why go back and feed on that $hit again?

    Just my 2cents . . .

    3Mozzies

  • alanv
    alanv

    There are several ways to fade. Personally I simply stopped going to the meetings and on the odd occasion the elders turned up I just gave a non commital answer. In time they just left me alone. Of course if they new I regularly post on ex JW forums they would soon disfellowship me.

    It is hard having to stay under cover as it were, but if you have family in as I have, then I feel it is better not to formally disassosiate yourself

    Just my own view.

  • its_me!
    its_me!

    I was df'd several years ago, and then reinstated. (I committed adultery because I thought it was the only way to get out of a marriage that I was miserable in.) After a few months of being disfellowshipped, I was very relieved. I got reinstated because I loved my mom and I knew how much she wanted it for me. That was a mistake on my part. I don't think I was ready to face the fact that I had spent my life banging my head against a wall to be a "good girl", and all it had done was make me miserable.

    I got re-married to a "worldly" man. And of course I was publicly reproved for that. But it didn't matter anyway, even when I was reinstated, I was still treated like a leper. So, I tried the fade for a while, and let me tell you, that is exhausting! I finally just stopped going, and I haven't had any trouble from it so far. The elders have not tried to meet with me, and if they do, I will refuse. I don't care if they disfellowship me in absentia or whatever. You don't have to fade, just stop going. Thats what I did after a while, and I am so much happier now!

  • IsaacJ22
    IsaacJ22

    I wouldn't recommend a long fade unless you see an honest advantage to it--one that's better than wishful thinking, that is. Congregations and families do vary. But in most cases, I wouldn't bother. It just delays the inevitable pain most of the time and offers no real advantage. Some faders tend to hang on forever, never fully embracing the Society and never fully leaving it. They end up being the blacksheep of the congregation and their family either way.

    Even if you move before you stop going to meetings, you are only delaying the inevitable. Families always seem to find out eventually. Of course, moving will make it harder for them to hound you afterward, but otherwise, it doesn't do much for most except to delay the inevitable even further. Even if you aren't DFed, you might wish you had been if your family gets mean about it. Many do. In my view, it's best to get the whole ordeal behind you rather than waiting to yank the bandaid off a little at a time.

    It's obviously your decision. I didn't fade--I just left and never looked back. It took about 2 weeks for the wolves to descend. It was a drawn out, senseless pain in the neck. But it wouldn't have been any better if I'd waited. The sooner you quit, the sooner that part will be over with.

    I do suggest you prepare yourself first. Make some new friends, start hanging out with people and build up a new support group. Not just online, but in the real world where you live. You'll need those friends if your congregation harasses you as mine did to me. In my view, that's usually all a fade is good for; it gives you time to build up a new life outside the WT by keeping up minimal appearances.

    As I said, your situation might be so different from most that a fade really does make sense. I'm not in your shoes. But in most cases, a fade just delays the unavoidable problems. It's still up to you. No judgments intended.

  • BluesBrother
    BluesBrother
    I'm doing a slow fade, I don't want to lose friends and family

    If people are important , then in the long run it will be worth it.. However, I would not bank on J W "friends" remaining thus after you have become a "bad association"???.....but family are family, after all. Some say that family have chosen to shun them anyway even though they are not d/f'd, but I have never known that to be the case around here, or advised in the U K

    Set your own timetable so that you know where you stand and how much longer you have to go

    IMHO, of course !

  • I quit!
    I quit!

    I wouldn't do anything to get yourself df'd until you are sure you are ready to handle the backlash that will follow. As far as lying to them to get yourself df'd there really is no need to do that. Just do something like attend a church a few times or start celebrating the holidays. That should do the trick. In the Watchtower's eyes doing those things is far worse than a little hanky panky.

  • nelly136
    nelly136

    I'm considering making a false confession about having committed fornication or something....

    if youre looking for a 'lesser sin' ...smoking worked for my dad, my mother wanted him dfd for adultery, he got dfd for smoking instead.

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