I was reflecting today on just how it happened. How did I, a man who believed himself to be a clean worshiper of the Most Holy God, have a Crisis of Faith that resulted in my current state of affairs? How did I get here, when I was not sure even which way the wind was about to blow me?
The process has been more complex than I can fairly convey in a few words. But it all began with 'doubt', which lead to 'doubt' about more and even larger matters of faith, which lead to even larger matters. As far as I can tell, in the whirlwind that has whisked me to this point over seven years, it happened like this:
Doubt : That Jehovah's Witnesses were displaying the love that Jesus stated would be a Hallmark of his followers. Embracing the reality of that doubt, lead to Doubt: That the prohibition demanding that I dare not examine my religion, as it was above reproach was acceptable if the persons claiming exclusive access to God, through his son Jesus, were not showing an exemplary level of that love. That lead to examination, in the following order of:
- Churches of Christianity
- Then Christianity itself
- Then the basis of Christianity, the Bible
- Then Religion in General
- Then the basis of those religious systems and their Holy Writs
- Then philosophy
- Then scientific methods, the fossil records, Darwin's theories
- Then the ideology of the God-Divine idea itself
- Then atheism, agnosticism, humanism
In the end, though of course in seven years one could not overturn every rock or pebble in such examination, one can overturn sufficient evidence that one may accept a conclusion, if not an absolute one.
Along the way, epiphanies of sorts have crossed my pathway, touchstones that have shaped my end view. Like an onion, one finds himself peeling layer after layer, finding each layer still rotten, until one gets to the heart of the onion, and finds that every view, every opinion that was ever held, was held in blind, unblinking credulous sanctity that it did not deserve. He then casts the entire rotten onion away and begins to shape opinion based on reality instead of credulity, on fact instead of fantasy, on rock instead of sand.
There is no certainty in this life. The atheist and the believer in god walk the tenuous pathway of life, never able to absolutely 'prove' what he believes, or in the case of the atheist, what he doesn't believe. For me, that is both acceptable and fair. There is not enough time in a hundred lifetimes to ever 'prove' whether god created man or man created god. But for a certainty, there is ample time in this one lifetime to see clearly that at least of the gods I have observed, they are all man-made. Whether there is divine, I cannot know. And so why should I try and know what no man has ever known?
Much as did Thomas Jefferson, I would like to see mankind remove the supernatural aspects of life from both his Holy Writ and his nightmares. I cannot affect such as that of course, but can certainly do so within myself. For the morals, positive outlook, dignity presented within the words, not the works as attributed to Jesus, have great value. For that matter, so do the writings and words of many men and women who have graced this earth. For why would one reject the wisdom of Camus or Gandhi or Breslov or La Rochefoucauld while accepting the words of Jesus?
To be sure, this journey is not one of ease. Some who read these words have undertaken a similar journey. Others have met a different fork in the road and chosen that. Some perhaps are just beginning a journey, a new life, new understanding, building new perspective. Perhaps some, like myself, are standing at a crossroads, almost as if in a fog, wondering where this will all lead them. Maybe one or two readers of this thread are just this very day feeling the earliest pangs of doubt clawing at the cockles of their minds.
Seven years ago, had anyone told me I would stand where I am today, embracing a pathway that began with doubts about my choice of religion and now bringing me to places I could never have envisioned - I would have suggested that they had gone mad.
A quote that will perhaps forever shape my thinking was this:
"It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative." John Burroughs
He was correct. It was far easier to just waddle through life believing in god, waiting on god, expecting god to arrive or deal with the serious problems that plague mankind or ourselves individually. But god has become the Great Absentee Father to me. And I am quite grateful that his followers cannot muster any significant evidence in support of him. For that inability to rationally prove that god made man, rather than the opposite, has been the single most compelling wind in my sails away from him.
My mind is now free for whatever years it will be allowed to function, to roam reality instead of superstitious hallways of fantasy. Then one day my molecules will return to the earth. And as it was before me, so it will be after me, billions of years will pass and this speck upon a speck will have been forgotten entirely.
One thing is certain: Previous to my doubts I missed life. I watched it pass me by, waiting on god to act, when I should have been acting.
I will not take for granted a moment of the glorious experiences called life.
Peace to all this night.
Jeff