For those still "in" for whatever reason, how long did it take you to disconnect from the things you were taught?

by Crisis of Conscience 10 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Crisis of Conscience

  I'm coming up on a year of when I first "woke up" regarding the org. I still am "in" because I am trying to weigh out my options. My wife is still mentally "in" and I know way to many people. And I must admit that at this point, as has been said on this site before, it is more of a social club to me now.

  But I attend the meetings regularly with my wife and am still serving in a "position of responsibilty." (TM)

  Yet I really feel completely disconnected from any of the things said at the hall. Certain things I hear only spring up thoughts of disgust. But the words in general no longer reach my heart. And I don't seem to feel a shred of guilt. All that's left is finding MY form of escape, what will work for me.

  So those of you still "in", how long did it take to adjust to having to attend like a robot? (You don't have to explain why you are still "in".) How do you feel when you are at a meeting? And how do you cope in general?

  Aw heck, even those out already are welcome to comment. I appreciate the input!!

  CoC
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  thenoblelodge

  I don't think you can ever adjust to being like a robot. Once you are aware of the lies it really does get harder and harder to stay, and the very fact you have started this topic shows it's time for you to leave

  It took me 3 months before I got up and walked, so for you to still be in after 12 months is amazing. I knew I had to get out because I kept tutting really loudly every time something was said that I knew was a lie, the more research I did the more I tutted. We also had a major problem which quickened our exit.

  All that's left is finding MY form of escape, what will work for me.

  I truly hope you do find something that works for you, but it will never be easy. But you know that don't you.

  All the best.
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  Mickey mouse

  I personally don't think it does get "harder and harder" to attend once you have woken up. For a few months I experienced incredible anger and frustration when I attended meetings but now, it's no different to me than I might find going to a Scientology meeting, or a Mormon one. It's just kind of abstract rubbish to me now. The worst thing about it is the waste of time when I do go (which is not regularly) and I am planning on stopping altogether in the future.
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  St George of England

  CoC - I am in a very similar position to you and having been happily married for 40 years I am in no rush to 'blow it'.

  I still attend regularly even though I found out the 'real truth' nearly two years ago. I think we all have to deal with it in our own way and in some cases plan our exit strategy very carefully. My family is all 'in' but if I could take my wife out with me I would wave goodbye tomorrow!

  All the best

  George
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  notverylikely

  It took years between the time I realized it was bullshit and when i walked out the door. This website accelerated that. You bastards! (kidding)
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  Crisis of Conscience

  I agree with Mickey mouse. I personally don't feel like I just have to leave or that I can't take the meetings anymore, despite being "awake" for a year. My problem, if I can call it a problem, is that I really am a people person. I'm not ready to loose everyone socially. So I play the game. And as long as nobody is shunning me because they don't really know how I feel, it doesn't seem to matter what I believe. I realize it may not be like this forever. But hey, I'll ride the wave!

  Keeping quiet is tough, but I just don't feel the stress that I used to. Sure I hear ridiculous things at the meeting, but I don't go home and "meditate" on them. And yes this site is the major reason I don't have that stress. I can express myself without repercussions!!

  Like St George of England , my wife is definitely a factor. I really, really, really have a good woman. She is not 100% brainwashed and that makes it a little easier. And I don't want to force things and cause problems. Slowly I hope to help her open her eyes.

  @ thenoblelodge - I actually do think almost daily, or rather wish, some big problem would arise in the congregation that would open my wife's eyes and cause her to say, "Deuces! I'm out!" And I would gladly support her. One can dream, aye.

  CoC
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  Doubting Bro

  COC - same with me. It used to really bother me and for awhile I was paying even closer attention to the parts and then rebutting the points in my mind. It was agony giving talks because I tried really hard not to say things I thought were false.

  Once I "stepped aside" from responsibilities, it became much easier.

  Now, I rarely pay attention, just either read the Bible or daydream. Before and after the meetings, its easy because no one talks about "spiritual" things, so you can have a normal conversation.

  I agree that this site is a great place to vent!
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  WalkTall

  It has been almost 5 years since I awakened, and I am still attending meetings. I love my husband and grown children so much, and am stubbornly refusing to leave without them. I parted ways with my parents and sibling when I became a JW as a young adult and I refuse to lose two families in one lifetime because of this religion. So, I take it one day at a time. Sometimes, I get through it, no problem. Then there are some meetings when there is so much glorification of the organization and the GB, so much pressue to conform and obey, that I just want to stand up and scream at everyone "don't you see how they are manipulating you???". Those are the tough ones. Sometimes, I just get up and walk around, go outside, or go in a bathroom stall and cover my ears (since they torturously have speakers in the bathroom!).

  It is odd to sit there and not be in the fantasy world everyone else in the room is in. At times, I feel like a child in first grade at Christmastime and being the only one that knows that Santa Claus isn't real. And I can't tell them. It is a weird situation to be in.

  There are moments when I am so angry at myself for getting involved in this and I can't believe that I have to live my life this way. But, for now anyway, I am willing to bide my time, while taking every opportunity I can to discreetly point out to my family how controlling an organization this is becoming. They do see it, but unfortunately, the cult personality continues to take over when they start expressing a negative thought about the organization. So it's slow going, but I'm not giving up yet.
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  Crisis of Conscience

  @ Doubting Bro - That is my next goal - to step aside from any congregational responsibilities. And this site is really giving me the strength and confidence to do it. Now for timing................................ It's coming. I can feel it.

  @ WalkTall - Thank you. Your example gives me hope that I can survive. At this point I've managed to control any screaming in my head. Their words mean nothing. I wish you the best.

  CoC
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  troubled mind

  Gosh I almost forgot what that was like ....being 'awake' ,but still going to meetings .

  Your comments made me remember how it was for me several yrs ago . I was mentally done with the Witnesses ,but my adult /teenage kids and Husband were all Witnesses .I said nothing ,continued going to meetings ,but felt terrible stress mentally and emotionally .I was mad inside all the time .

  Every convention or assembly I would become so angry when I heard the talks telling young people to fore go college for pioneering . I became more aware of how the talks were glorifying the GB instead of Jesus . I would look around and think 'come on people don't any of you see the manipulations going on here ?'

  I honestly did think it was just me ....then I found this site ! OMG do you know what a relief it was to find other people that were thinking the same things ???

  After joining this site and reading COC and a few other books (Dr Phil's "Self-Matters ") I found the courage to make the decision to stop going anymore . (It was a scary move to make because our whole family were JW.) My two older sons had moved away from home ,and our youngest made it clear he no longer wanted to attend meetings . (after being unfairly treated by the Elders) I finally had ,had enough .....so after a Sunday meeting I told my husband I was no longer going to attend meetings . He was shocked and for about a week he wouldn't talk to me . He thought I was ending our marriage ...after I explained that was NOT the case, and told him I just could no longer stand the hypocrisy of the religion . He just stopped attending too . It took another two yrs before I started revealing the major problems within the religion to him . He still has never made an attempt to investigate for himself ......but I don't hold anything back from him now about what I think about how and what we had been taught all these yrs . (Baptized over 30 yrs)

  Here we are almost five yrs out ,and now all of our sons and daughter in law have faded too . There has been loss of course . It is hard that his some of his family has pulled away from us, as well as my brother 's family .But we have our immediate family intact .

  So give it time do it however works best for you ,but know it is possible !