Back ground: been Da'd for 17 years, bio mother and step father uber Jw's, Step father Elder. Since DA'ing my mother has ALWAYS sorta kept in contact with me...until recently.
Three years ago I started dating a guy, my bio father and step mother did not approve of. My mother loved it, she fed off it. She would invite us over (when Step daddy was away of course), and was more of a mother to me during this time. I could talk to her about anything, and she wasn't getting all upity on me and for the first time in my life I was actually feeling some love from her.
When my bio dad and step mom saw that my relationship with my boyfriend was quite stable and not just a fling, they started to warm to him. We started doing normal family things together, going camping, having family meals and taking long weekend travelling as a famly. Well now bio mother decides she does not like this, and SLOWLY starts the shunning process again. Leaving my boyfriend bewildered as to what is going on. Opening up a whole can of worms, cause boyfriend (who at this point is agnostic), wants to know why the heck my bio mother is not talking to me, or seeing her grand-daughter. So I try the best I can to explain it to him, saying they somehow think this is scriptural. So he starts reading the bible himself, only to become a believer and to see for his own that this shunning thing is bunk.
So as the storey continues boyfriend and I decide to get married, we decide it will be very small and out at bio dad's house. Boyfriend sends a invite out to bio mom and step dad...they do not respond. He is hurt that they do not respond, as for me...I take it for what it is.
So Wedding day comes...a beautiful day I might add, filled with family that care and only close friends. And wedding day goes...19 days now and not so much as a card, an e mail, or a call congratulating us. Just nothing!!
So Sunday night I spiralled into depression. Crying and feeling all so alone, thinking in my mind that this will be how it is. That my mother has completely chosen her religion over me, that I will never share my joys with her, never share my struggles with her. And yet she HAS NEVER been that person to me. Its always come with "conditions", and those "conditions" I refuse to adhere to. I cried for a mother I never really had, I cried knowing that if she does not open her eyes, this is how it will be till she dies.
So yesterday, I was sent out on a task for work...and had to go to a store to pick up a birthday cake for my boss. As i pull up I see a man that looks so familar to me, but I just am not SURE. I walk inside the store and kind of hang by the doors, when the man turns I see it is my step father, he looks right at me, turns to my mom and says something, and my bio mother who was about to get out of the car, gets back in closes the door and drives away. For a second my heart broke, but through it all I realized that this was my closure. I had spent 3 days in bed crying my eyes out, craving a mothers love...and the final dawning that I had that, I had that through my step mother. She has been my rock through the past 17 years of my life, through all the crap through all the good...through it all!!
I can only put the depression i felt and the sadness down to a form of mourning over my mother, and yet I know if I run into her again or see her, that everytime this happens, the wounds could reopen and I could go through this all again.
Sometimes its hard not to let the bitterness take over, and not send her angry e mails. I know that there may be only one thing that may win her over, and that is love, unconditional love , but in even saying that...do i live in hope that she may one day open her eyes, or do I move on and think of her as dead?? I just don't know what to do!!