Long Distance Adultery and Other Issues

by buddhaisbetter 21 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • buddhaisbetter

    Allow me a moment to introduce myself: First of all, I am not a member of your faith as surely can be garnered from my choice of user name. I joined this forum with the intention of getting some information on a situation I'm forced to contend with that concerns my son. My questions are not designed to bash your beliefs, regardless of my personally held opinions and I hope that any discussion can be conducted without contention. I will in time be showing this to my son or directing him here so that he may read for himself. That said, here is the situation and I welcome your insights.

    My son who lives with me is 23. He suffers from depression and tragically low self esteem. He is very overweight in conjunction or perhaps due to these factors. He has little to no social life. He cannot seem to hold a job. He hasn't had a girlfriend - except for the following situation.

    He met a girl online and in talking with her there and on the phone, developed deep and abiding feelings for her, and supposedly she for him in return. I'm very supportive of online relationships, because I've had many close, almost intimate friends that I never bet but for online and I consider some of them my best friends to this day. In this past year however, he has gone from Ohio to California to visit her. They shared a hotel room, though according to him they didn't "do" anything but snuggle and maybe kiss and just "hang out". He now wants to move to California, and in fact has his name on a waiting list for apartments. She calls him or he calls her every night, sometimes up to three times a night, and the text messages never cease. All of that wouldn't be a problem I guess but for the truer facts:

    She is married. Supposedly there is "no love" in the marriage blah blah and she suspects him of cheating. Wait - it gets better.

    She has a daughter, almost 3 yrs old - I have to wonder where this child is and how much she's being neglected while her mother is on the phone and texting - maybe not physically neglected, but mommy might not have so much time to spend with the child when she's cooing on the phone.

    She....... is a Jehovah Witness. Or so she says. She claims she was raised as such. Here's where it starts to really irritate me and again I mean no disrespect. I have said all along that this woman has free will, as we all do, to make choices. IF her man is a dirtbag, IF she doesn't love him, IF.... you know, then she knows where the door is either to walk out, or to kick him out. Then - whether she had my son move in or not, at least she wouldn't be promoting that situation, and worse yet, putting her daugher in the middle of it. So eventually, she supposedly went to the church elders and "confessed" this situation (after my son's 2 visits) and they told her to break off any contact, period. Ha. Okay. My son says "They saw how she flipped out and told her it was ok if we talked or texted as long as the husband knows about it or is there at the time." --- Now I mean really? I don't believe that a religion, particularly one that seems very strict and disciplined, would make such a concession. I've also talked to people in the know, and they seem to believe that JW would not make such an exception. Even if it is true, they do talk and text when he's "at the store", or "leaving for work" - so it's still very suspect.

    Bottom line - I would like to know from YOU people here, what your thoughts are on this situation so I can fill him in - because honestly, he's blinded by this woman. Actually, he's not I guess. The sad truth is that he knows it should end. He's sat, almost or literally in tears and said as much. With his insecurities, he feels like no one, let alone another woman, will ever love and understand him as she does. Of course I've assured him that this is false, and tried to persuade him that HE needs to love HIMSELF first. Still, he's just more content to coddle and coo with her insipidly and ignore the facts.

    Another factor here is that she has him now going to bible study and sunday services at a local JW hall. Again, despite my personal opinions, his going to services aren't the problem. That's not exclusively what angers me, because really, as far as beliefs I wouldn't care if he was a Catholic or a Druid. The irritating factor is that if it were not for HER, then he wouldn't look twice at JW. Now he's what....... converted? Please. He was a self proclaimed "pagan" before she came along and while some of you might cheer for such a conversion, I call it nothing short of sycophancy. It's like me, an avid anti-smoker, meeting the man of my dreams but oh gosh golly, he does smoke so since I LOVE him, I might as well start smoking!! My son, like I, believe in gay rights, he is pro-choice and aside from what he's being fed in bible study, I am 80% sure that he still does not believe in a central, unified, all powerful, wrathful "God". So what's the reason for attending? I'll tell you... so he can have more in common with this woman. So he can feel "accepted" and part of something. Again - that in itself is understandable, but there are many, many other --- more honest venues in which he could find such acceptance.

    So that's the situation and I'll leave it at that for now. I'm anxious to hear your feedback and thank you for patiently reading.

  • liz_south

    The woman is lying - the only reason anyone (elder or otherwise) would tell her to keep in contact is in order to "convert" your son in an effort to salve her conscience. She is committing the equivalent of adultery and should be reported to the elders where she lives if in fact she practices as a JW. Feel free to send a letter to the local congregation. You can usually find an address on the internet. No repercussions for you - you are an outsider. Your son should run for his life because this will surely ruin it whether he ends up with this woman or not.

    My family has been destroyed because of this religion.

    Take care - I hope your son listens to you...


  • lisaBObeesa

    Oh man, oh man.

    First off, most of us are EX-Jehovah's Witnesses. You came to the right place.

    There's NO WAY they told her that she can still text and chat as long as her husband knows.

    Please undestand the the JWs are a high control group, some say a cult. Yes, she has free will, but...she is trapped. She is ...screwed. Also, like many people raised JW, she is a mess emotionally.

    IF she admitted the affair and the elders found that she was repentant, they might have let her stay a JW. However, if she is found out for continuing the affair she will be disfellowshipped...kicked out of the JWs and treated as though she is dead, probably even by her own family..maybe even her own parents...(ask around here...many posters here have been through this). She will lose everything and everyone. IT is very, very serious and probably the reason that she can't just leave her husband.

    The most troubling part of your story is that your son is studying with this dangerous group. You must be careful how you deal with this because depending on how far into it he is, opposing him could drive him deeper into this group. Others here will give you good advice on how to proceed...

  • JWoods

    Well, first of all - almost everybody here is an EX-JW. This forum is primarily for people who have broken out of the cult. Reading some of the threads here will give you a picture about how hard it is to leave this religion once you have gotten involved in it.

    Aside from the JW issue, it sounds to me like both of these people have some serious life issues - in my opinion, low self esteem is just the beginning. This relationship, as you have probably guessed, is nothing but trouble - besides the fact that she is getting him involved into a high-control cult.

    I would continue to research the witnesses here, and have a serious talk with this boy about exactly what he is getting himself involved in.

    You are, by the way, right about something being wrong with the supposed instructions from the elders which was given to the girl - I cannot believe that they told her it was OK in any way, shape, or form to continue to have contact with your son. Probably she has fabricated that. In strict JW rules, this girl could have been disfellowshipped (JW version of excommunication) just for being in the hotel room with him alone overnight.

    It is hard for a normal person to believe that the girl could both break the rules of her own religion, and at the same time try to get your son involved in it - but, it is not that uncommen because this is a mind control cult and very difficult to break away from.

    Good luck, hope you can help him see the danger of this religion.


  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    To me there are two relationship problems that are only going to make your son's other issues worse:

    1. His relationship with this woman is toxic

    2. Any relationship with the JW religion is toxic

    Few here are going to take offense at your post or your questions. There are mainly EX-JWs and disgruntled JWs here. We know the dangers of the Watchtower Cult.

    For him to be able to address his depression, self-esteem, and obesity issues, he needs to be free of the two poison relationships mentioned above. Others may have more specific advice and commisseration for you. Keep checking back here; there is a lot of support to be found.

    Good luck helping your son.

  • minimus

    As ones who have little use for JWs, might I say, people hear what they want to hear. They also lie too. I doubt the elders gave this woman any approval.

    Your son, God bless him, needs to grow up, recieve some therapy and recognize that for him, these "relationships" are usually not for the best.

    The Witnesses are a CULT! Get him away from it as fast as possible!!!!!

  • tenyearsafter

    First of all, welcome to the board buddhaisbetter!

    Though there are many active JW's on this board, there are more that are ex-JW's. This board affords everyone to share their experiences and offer their opinions and observations about life and the JW experience, so please don't feel you are offending anyone with your questions or comments.

    Your story is not an unusual one...online relationships can be more complex and complicated than face to face relationships! Where I am skeptical of the JW lady's story is that she was given the go-ahead to maintain a text and e-mail relationship with your son. The position of JW's is very strong in maintaining the marriage relationship, so it is unthinkable that the elders would give her that option. My guess is that she was told to cut off the relationship or face expulsion from the congregation. The fact that this relationship continues in a less than open manner is indicative that the lady is not playing straight with your son, her husband or the congregation. I would also say that if she were caught in this relationship again, especially after being disciplined by the elders, she would be expelled from the congregation. She is not a straight shooter...

    If your son is studying with JW's with the eye to being with this woman, he is setting himself up for disappointment. The congregation will not accept this type of manipulation on her part, and it will paint your son in an unfavorable light if he were to "step up" his association with the JW's. If he were to become a member and gets involved in what is considered "wrongdoing", he will be expelled and shunned by all members. From your description of him, that would be very damaging to his self confidence. He needs to study EVERYTHING about JW's, not just what they teach about themselves. Have him research sites such as this one, www.freeminds.org and www.jwfacts.com He needs to know ALL the facts before he makes a life altering decision such as joining JW's.

    i wish you and your son the best in working through this complicated situation...

  • FlyingHighNow

    Yikes. Bottom line is, our kids do what they want to do when they are 23.

  • CuriousButterfly

    What she told your son is a lie. No elder would ever give the green light to continue contact while she is married. She is "scriptually" not able to remarry at this point. I am an active JW and your son needs to run VERY fast. He cannot change who he is for her then he loses his identity, which seems like he does not have much of due to his low self esteem. I wish him the best but they both need to work on themselves first before entering in a relationship then mix in she is married with a young child is a recipe for disaster.

  • nelly136

    **Probably she has fabricated that. In strict JW rules, this girl could have been disfellowshipped (JW version of excommunication) just for being in the hotel room with him alone overnight**

    pretty much sums it up.

    **My son who lives with me is 23. He suffers from depression and tragically low self esteem. He is very overweight in conjunction or perhaps due to these factors. He has little to no social life. He cannot seem to hold a job. He hasn't had a girlfriend - except for the following situation.**

    its a pity that your son who sounds like quite a nice sensitive guy, for wanting to up sticks and take care of this person, save her from her horrible husband etc is probably being taken advantage of. i wonder if he's truly considered the practicalities of supporting himself and two other mouths miles away from his home support system.

    taking on a ready made family isnt easy at the best of times, doing it while youre depressed will be harder, and low self esteem will make interviews for jobs to keep said woman and child (cos its very likely that will be a requirement) more difficult.

    so my suggestion would be that your son needs to concentrate on making himself stronger before he leaves home.

    doctors counselling whatever for the depression low self esteem, if he is considering baptism he is leaving himself open to being shunned the california end, so maybe giving her a little time to end her marriage and clear the decks before he arrives.(least she can do to show commitment)

    if keeping a job is a problem thats a disadvantage when he arrives in a strange town, so maybe set his mind to get and keep a job in ohio for a period that will give him a good reference when he moves. it will also enable him to save up a bit of money cos moving is expensive.

    if hes truly serious about going then he should be equally serious about planning and preparing.

Share this