Fading and the Blood Issue

by brotherdan 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • brotherdan

    Hey everyone,

    So most of you know my story and gave me the advice of taking things slow with my wife and not rushing her in regards to leaving the "O". So I have been taking things slow, saying things that I appreciated from the meetings, and keeping my mouth shut in regards to everything that makes me want to vomit.

    Last night we were talking (very amiably) about some things that I said on a youtube comment, which she busted me about. It was just talking about how if my son needed a blood transfusion I would no longer be able to keep quiet. I'm not going to let him die for something I don't even believe in. Well she brought that up saying that even though she will never stop loving me, don't I think that that would be a marriage ender.

    Guys...I pussed out. I told her that we would be on the same side of the issue. I kept trying to change the subject, but she kept bringing it up. I just said that to move on to a different subject. But now I feel like I've compromised. Keeping quiet and taking things slow are one thing. But saying you agree with something that you don't feels wrong to me. That's why anytime I say something about a talk that I appreciate, it's only on things that are about the family, or morals or something like that. But now I'm feeling bad about it... :-(

  • NiceDream

    Sorry you're feeling bad about it brotherdan. You were just trying to diffuse the situation. Perhaps you can mention your point of view the next time it arises?

    When I told my husband there was no way I would refuse a blood transfusion for our child based on one scripture he freaked out and couldn't handle it. So maybe it's a good thing you didn't press it at this time.

    I told our doctor that I recinded my decision on the 'no blood' policy for myself and our child, and the doctor made a note of it. I told the doctor that my husband wasn't in agreement and I didn't want him to know about it and he was ok with that and reassured me that the doctors will give a child blood even if the parents disagree.

    I hope you're never in a situation where you need to deal with this issue. Or if you are, that your wife will change her mind.

  • brotherdan

    I hope I'm never in that situation too. Don't get me wrong. I will stand up for myself if this horrible situation was to happen. I just hate hate hate having to sneak around with my beliefs. I see the necessity of it, but I just wish we could be on the same page. Or at least agree to disagree for now.

  • agonus

    What you will probably eventually need to do is prepare to defend your belief that the policy is unscriptural with, well, Scripture. That and the WT's own articles that totally shoot holes in their own teaching. Of which there are plenty... you just need to know where to look. Get out your library CD... ;)

  • superpunk

    It's good for you to take it slow, bd. But, given how this makes you feel (i.e. you're lying and feel deceptive - you can't be completely honest with the ONE person you're supposed to be able to be completely honest with, etc) eventually the shit is gonna hit the fan. For the sake of your wife possibly leaving, hopefully that's at the best possible time for it - when it will impact her the most, hopefully getting her to see what's up. Alot of us know that feeling, it kind of eats you up inside and makes you feel terrible.

    Eventually it's going to come out, because it must - and then whatever happens is going to happen. You can only control your half.

  • undercover

    It's the ability to compromise that makes a man noble...

    So said some slimy ole Scotsman in a movie once...

    But anyway, seriously, you do have to choose your battles...and when you fight them...carefully. The blood issue is probably the most controversial and dangerous doctrine of the JWs. Lives can be at stake. Hopefully it'll never come up but you do have to be prepared for if it does...even if you don't make your intentions perfectly clear at this time.

    Just apply Theocratic Strategy and keep your true thoughts to yourself until such a time it is either necessary to reveal them or the time has improved to where you can share them.

    I've been there...it's hard as hell.

  • AnnOMaly

    BD, if it ever came to it, with your son being a minor, the courts would likely take it out of your hands and insist the boy get a transfusion anyway. By the time your son formed a position about blood transfusions for himself, hopefully your family's outlook will have changed by then.

  • just n from bethel
    just n from bethel

    BD - just so you know, you didn't puss out. Avoiding arguments and keeping peace in your home, sometimes means temporarily letting your wife hear what she wants to hear. You're at a place where you need to find words that will allow you to present your new understanding of this matter in a way that she can accept. She doesn't have to believe it herself- but she has to accept it - and as long as there is not a pressing medical issue at the very moment, then the acceptance could be allowed to come gradually.

    "It was just talking about how if my son needed a blood transfusion I would no longer be able to keep quiet."

    If this ever happened, you would likely actually have the right to keep quiet. (HIPPA) That is, nobody has to know what medical procedures you and trained medical staff decide. Instead of saying you won't keep quiet - why not point out that, over and over the WT has emphasized how medical decisions are a personal and private matter. While you have no intention of promoting any particular medical procedure to other JWs, What you personally choose will remain between you, the doctors, and God.

    Another thing that might help is to look at the various articles where the WT has changed their belief on certain medical uses of blood, i.e. fractions, autologous, etc. Note the wording - it never says "It is now permitted" - rather it says " Some have felt their consciences would allow [xyz fraction, etc.]". This means that prior to the article being written making previously forbidden procedures a conscience matter (i.e. Acceptable) - "SOME" went ahead and accepted the forbidden fractions or whatever. Does that make sense? Basically the articles have stated that even though certain procedures were forbidden by WT policy - some went ahead with them according to their conscience. Were they condemned? No - actually the WT eventually brought it out that IT WAS A CONSCIENCE MATTER and presented it as new light so to speak.

    So when things are nice and calm between you and your wife, and you can build up to a non-antagonistic conversation on her part and yours - ask her how is it some felt their conscience would allow things that the previous policy had forbidden? How was it they were not DF'd or reproved - but rather left alone and eventually used as an example on how it would be ok to view certain procedures?

    Anyway - there are a lot of ways to approach this topic and it's very important to do so. But just remind her that husbands and wives should be allowed to have different consciences on matters like fractions, etc. If a spouse demanded that they have the same conscience on such matters and felt otherwise they shouldn't be married, that spouse certainly would not be respecting the sanctity of marriage. Once, perhaps after time has passed, she truly has accepted your stance on conscience and fractions, then she should also be willing to accept your understanding that a fraction might include RBCs, and plasma since the your trained conscience can't find the Bible-based definition for fractions to exclude such.

    Anyway, pm me if you want to discuss this more.

  • Odrade

    I believe one of the reasons my mother is shunning me (I'm not df'd or da'd) is because I told her that she and dad needed to put their wishes regarding blood and medical treatment in writing. I told her that if I were the one tasked with making their medical decisions for them, I would decided based on what was medically sound, if there were no other documents to the contrary outlining their wishes. The discussion occurred because my mother was telling me that, under no circumstances would she take any fractions, even if they are now supposedly a conscience matter.

    At the time, I found all of this especially ironic, as her best friend at Bethel was one of the primary researchers who wrote the pamphlet/article (4 years ago?) explaining and outlining a large portion of the "fractions" policy. A year or so prior to the conversation, I had opportunity to view the final draft of this article and its accompanying illustrations. This was before my mother became aware of the fact that we were never going back, and that I would prefer to rely on the advice of real physicians, rather than researchers for the WT writing department.

    They simply don't think rationally about the subject. They react as though you'd requested them to eat a meal of dog poo blended with strychnine.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite


    You didn't puss out, it's called "theocratic warfare". You have your "Study Edition" response to keep peace for the moment at home. And you have the "Public Edition" where you tell the doctors and judges that you won't let a cult kill your child.

    Like Watchtower has never lied to us?

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