The effect of this religion on my children & the action I had to take - Part I

by jambon1 18 Replies latest jw experiences

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  jambon1

  I have been meaning to tell this story for some time now. I feel that I would like to share it so that it may serve as a warning to anyone who thinks that the JW religion does not have a negative effect on children.

  I have been out of the religion for 4 years now. I wasn't brought up in the organisation. At the point I left only my wife & I and our 2 little children were active JW's. You can search my post history to see the varying degrees of bitterness that I have felt toward the JW religion. I left completely disillusioned with the whole thing. Badly treated & hurt by the actions of many witnesses. At the same time I had a few good friends who I still care for & love.

  I left the organisation because I felt that what I was taught as a bible study ten years previously (I was 18 when my wife & I studied) was not what was practised in the religion. I felt a gross lack of love. I saw very angry & frustrated individuals in many congregations. I saw families that were a mess. But mainly, I was averse to believing & practicing some of the things that I was introduced to AFTER I became a baptised JW. I knew the day that I bacame a parent that I couldn't withold medical treatment from my kids if required to do so. I knew that I would rather cut my right arm off than SHUN my flesh & blood baby girl if she transgressed this religion as an adult. I hated having to look down on non witnesses & believe that their lifestyle sentenced them to death at the hands of a bloodthirsty god of 'love'.

  As I progressed as a pioneer & ministerial servant, I saw a side of this religion that disturbed me greatly. My disbelief in god grew day by day. My disgust at what I was supposed to believe & teach my children who were very young just escalated. I became depressed & even suicidal.

  One day in January 2006 I walked out of our kingdom hall & I knew I was never, ever going to return. It sounds pathetic but it was one of the bravest moments of my life. If I hadn't taken that action back then, I could very well still have been a part of the organisation today. I had attempted to leave before but couldn't do it. This was my time now. I believe my action back in January 06 saved, at the very least my sanity, but very possibly my life.

  When I put it to my wife, she was naturally upset. Things were hard in our family for many months.

  As time passed, I became more & more opossed to the whole thing. I hated the fact that my children were being infected with this dispicable belief system. A set of beliefs which teach young children that their whole world, including non-JW relatives, schoolmates etc is soon going to be destroyed by god because they are evil, wicked people. I was becoming more & more aware that what JW's are prepared to teach children, MY children, is wholly inappropriate.

  I reasoned that if this religion could take me, a happy go lucky 17 year old & turn me into a paranoid, depressed, anxious wreck, then what could they do to my children by means of this gradual drip, drip, drip that happens as you soak in their words & phrases? Their sectarian beliefs.

  You see, I was lucky to have been raised in a loving, happy family. I grew very much closer to my non-JW parents after I left the org. I began to understand just what an effect my being a witness had on them. I began to respect my parents as I matured as a person & related to all that they carried out & went through to raise myself & my sister. I was enjoying happy times with them again. Birthdays, new year (which in Scotland is a big thing), mothers/fathers day. My respect for my parents, despite any mistakes they made when raising us, was completely restored. I was having a relationship with them again which had been 'put on hold' during my ten years as a JW. It was alll good.

  Except my kids were still being raised as witnesses by my wife whom I love deeply. My daughter (aged 8) who is very, very bright was being drip fed this illness every single week. I could gradually see that it was having an effect on her. Here was me, the father she loves & respects being a part of celebrations that she is being taught are wicked & deserving of death (yes, celebrating my fathers 60th birthday really is viewed as being worthy of death!). I didn't realise it at the time but my daughters head was a mess. One day, last year, it all came to a head.

  What I heard from my daughters lips convinced me that action needed to be taken. She came to be in a state of severe agitation that day. She was delirious. What I saw & heard from her made me cry & weep like a helpless little boy once she had fallen asleep that night. The whole sorry sitiuation is a sad indictment on the JW religion.

  I shall tell part II of the story very soon.

  J
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  nelly136

  hurry up, hooked here
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  Heaven

  My heart goes out to you and your family jambon1. I see so many similarities in your story with the things I've experienced in my life, having JWs in the family.

  Once my parents decided to become baptized things slowly deteriorated. It has not been an easy life. There is a loneliness, an emptiness, and a deep sadness because they pushed us away and treated us with disrespect, anger, and disdain. To this day I am very wary when I interact with my Dad.

  One of the things I have observed about the JWs in my family is this: none of them are prepared to deal with getting to an age where they can no longer function as a 'witness'. All of them fully expected to be in the 'new system' by now. They are conflicted and depressed people.
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  Billzfan23

  Wow! That was quite an experience - still waiting on Part 2 but so far your experience is not unlike mine.

  I will try to give you a couple of pointers or suggestions that I think might help. I left in December of 2006, so a few months after you did. My daughter just turned ten and my son is twelve. The things that you are dealing with are going to linger for quite some time - probably until you see the day that your children take a stand for themselves to never allow that drip drip drip to influence them any longer. It's a long and tough road. My two kids are torn, my son just went to his first meeting in 2 years last night and my ex-wife doesn't give him a hard time about not attending at all. He spends somewhere around 150 of the 168 hours per week with me or at school. My daughter is a different story. She's two years younger and is extremely close to her mother. She tries hard to please her, but is also torn.

  For me, the healthiest thing that I can do for my kids is get them to appreciate that I fully understand the teachings of the borg. They remember the 2004-2006 time frame when I was conducting the book study at the kingdom-hell and was the school overseer. My son had his first talk under my tutelage and recently laughed and asked me if I remember his counsel point after his talk. Both of my kids are aware of my disdain for the faith that I previously had. So the first and foremost important thing for me is awareness - they need to know how I feel and they need to know why.

  The second thing that I try to give them is balanced exposure to other things. Last year my kids and I went to a congregational church with a family in town that I am close to on Easter Sunday. It was the first time my kids had been in a church other than a KingdomHall. I am not particularly religious, and I did it for no other reason than granting the kids an opportunity to have a fun, "Sunday School" kind of environment and a place where they get to see where their classmates from school go to church. Birthday parties, Christmas, my worldly family are all major features of their life and activities. Without being bitterly negative about the religion, or making personal attacks on those they encounter from the KingdomHall, I ensure that they are involved in every extra-curricular activity that exists at school and in clubs. I take them to the mall where all of their friends hang out. They seen (within reason) whatever their tastes are in music and movies, all on my time with them and outside the confines of group-think and the brainwashing that they get from their mother, grandmother, as well as aunts and uncles on their mother's side.

  The third thing I give do is empower them to make choices for themselves. Within reason they can essentially do whatever they want. As long as they get good grades, stay out of trouble, and are respectful of others - I let them make tons of decisions for themselves. I generally always let them decide what they want to do on a weekend night, what they want for dinner, the clothes they want to wear, whom they choose to have as friends, etc. Many of the things that I allow them to do are far too "worldly" for their mother's laughable "bible trained conscience" - but the kids are getting a well rounded, all encompassing view of the world from me and they couldn't be more grateful and appreciative of that.

  Go slow, be patient, and try hard not to be negative. If you trash their mother's faith, they will view it as an attack and see it as an opportunity to demonstrate their allegiance to the borg. Ask viewpoint and leading questions to get them thinking for themselves, and if nothing else - they will determine that there is room for interpretation and plenty of room for differing opinions out there.

  I'm excited to read part 2!
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  awildflower

  Can't wait to hear the rest of the story. My kids are the reason I'm officially out too. Things that happened to my son just sent me over the edge. I too at one time felt so depressed and suicidal. Thankfully with some really good therapy I came out of that. But it's very different to hear from a child their experience at the meetings. As adults we stopped "listening" a long time ago and just kind of go through the robotic motions. But kids, when they are old enough to really hear what's being said, hear it in a whole new way. I remember my daughter telling me (much later) that at one of the meetings the PO from the platform said that people who aren't jw's are going to die at Armageddon. She said that affected her so much that she came home and cried but didn't want to talk to me about it, out of fear of course of saying anything, god forbid, against the meeting. It broke my heart and for the first time I started really listening again at the meetings and convention as to how a child might hear this crap. The last thing my kids and I went to, son 17, daughter 12, was a circuit assembly. We were all listening with our ears wide open, me for the first time in years. We all looked at each other and shook our heads in disbelief. (The whole thing was about Satan). I thought "how scary for these poor kids here." It opened my eyes, we left, and haven't been back to any of it since. You are a good dad to get your kids out of this mess now.
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  God_Delusion

  Hi Jambon,

  I've sent you a PM.

  Please continue your story!

  Regards

  Carlos
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  Gayle

  I am thrilled to read these stories of you parents, having such sensitivity for your children and their dilemma. Billz' example efforts to integrate his children into the 'real' world, with positive and fun, yet healthy structure, encouraging his kids to 'think' and have choices creates a very good success.

  Motherhood started a re-evaluation for me (after pioneering & Bethel). Raised 'letter of the JW law,' my childhood as a JW came back up for review. I realized I didn't want to teach my 5 children Armageddon, didn't want to show such horrible pictures to my 'perfect' (?) children. Didn't want them 'segregated' by JW rules. Started getting them very much into sports or school extracurriculars, as they were an energetic/hyper bunch. I completely stopped by mid-80s but their father (my ex later), though inactive by then, realized I wasn't going to teach them or take them any more. Then, he tried taking them some, and they didn't like it and he couldn't deal with their 'thinking' attitudes and he gave up.

  I think you can have a 90-100% success rate if you truly are involved and consider it your mission to have a close relationship, with positive thoughts and activities. I remember with JW boys with a loving, involved 'unbelieving' father would leave almost 90%. The daughters often would become a JW with their mother. But with your extra perception as an ex-JW father and the inside experience your success rate will be higher. Also, you have the advantage to show and speak of your "unconditional" love for them, and the JW parent won't. You can 'win' as you have the better tools and incites.

  All my 5 kids are grown, two have married and are very happy. The 3 sons are single yet & happy. All 5 put themselves through college and have graduated. None of them ever baptized and are very thankful for their freedom of thought and lives.
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  greenie

  BTT
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  Mad Sweeney

  Great writing, bro!

  Keep it coming!

  Also, you might consider submitting your story to Freeminds when it's complete.
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  QuestioningEverything

  Looking forward to the second part. I am so thankful that my boys don't have to live the off the wall way I did as a teenager. They are getting to experience normal, fun teenage things.